Friday, January 25, 2013

Better safe then sorry.

If you live anywhere near Pennsylvania then you've probably seen that public service commercial about gambling addiction. The one where the dad drives up to the casino with a car full of presents and balloons for his kids birthday and in a happy, upbeat mood, proudly announces he's going in for a few hands real quick. Fast forward a few hours and he comes out to the darkness and realizes he's missed the party. He freaks, the gambling help line number pops up and you think "holy shit" to yourself for a few seconds before you're distracted by the next commercial that pops up for some new, overpriced, piece of shiny crap.

While I've never got to that point of desperation, I was thinking of that commercial earlier tonight and about how important self control and honesty is in the type of relationship Miss H and I have. While I do wear a cock cage every day to ensure I don't mess with Miss H's "property" if I haven't been given permission to masturbate, I'm not on total maximum security lock down. At night, Miss H will usually unlock my cage and allow me to go to bed without wearing it. Initially it was because I had epididymitis but more recently its been because I find it can be difficult to go to sleep with the metal cage I currently wear.

Because of this freedom, I actually have plenty of opportunities to masturbate if I wanted to "cheat". I could do it in the shower in the morning, in the middle of the night, etc. I don't though, because part of the rush of the FLR relationship is having Miss H in total control so sneaking around behind her back kind of defeats the purpose. Just knowing I could if I wanted to but I don't because I'm worried about what she would do if she caught me turns me on. To be perfectly honest though, in the past year or so I've slipped and masturbated at least twice without her permission. I confessed to her both times because I felt guilty. Once she had a rather severe punishment, which at the time I didn't enjoy at all (but isn't that the point of a punishment?), but in the long run the fact that I was punished so severely really drove home the FLR and was a big thrill. The other time it was more of a slap on the wrist and that was kind of a bummer but at least I didn't have to feel the sting of the cane or anything like that.

Obviously, the more she teases and denies me and the longer I go without being able to cum, the hornier I get and the harder it becomes to remain masturbation free. About an hour ago I decided to take a quick shower, and like I always do when I'm going to take a shower I take a few minutes to check out Tumblr. I wasn't locked anymore (Miss H usually lets me out if I'm going to take a shower) so while scrolling through pic after pic of the most deviant porn I could find, I felt myself starting to leak pre-cum. One thing led to another and while I wasn't technically masturbating, I found myself gently rubbing myself through my panties. I knew I shouldn't be doing it but I couldn't help it, I was horny as hell, dying to dress, and generally in a super kinky mood.

I pulled my pants down, lowered my panties, and and just looked at my rock hard cock, pulsating slightly with excitement as a large drop of pre-cum shined on the tip. I used a finger to rub the pre-cum around the head of my dick and down and around my shaft. The feel of my finger gliding across the underside of my penis made me audibly grunt with frustration. For a good thirty seconds I stood there perfectly still, a raging debate going through my mind. Just a couple of minutes, I told myself, then I could cum real quick and finally relieve some of the crushing sexual pressure I felt inside me. Miss H would never know (other then perhaps my sudden lack of sexual interest and lack of proper manners over the next few days if I did cum and lose my sub space "high").

I took a firm grip of my cock and stroked myself once, the slick pre-cum spreading up and down. It felt out of this world. I did it again. Then I stopped, things were starting to go to far. At that moment in time there was nothing more I wanted then to feel my hand jerking off my cock and to soon afterwards spray a huge load of cum everywhere. To feel that most elusive pleasure of an orgasm, a pleasure that I haven't felt in way to long. To clear my head of the unrelenting sexual urges I've felt non-stop over the past month or so that Miss H has denied me any release.

I cursed softly under my breath as I knew what I had to do. There was no way I was going to be able to deny myself the thing I wanted any longer. My will was weak tonight and it was fading fast. I cursed once more when I pulled the cock cage back out from the bathroom closet. When I was finally soft again I put the cage back where it belongs and locked myself up tight. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

A Day of Humiliation pt. 3

Miss H's final task of the day quite merciless and cruel if I do say so myself. She knew that after hours and hours of dressing and kink I would be in a state of horny euphoria and willing to do just about anything in order to quench my thirst for sexual satisfaction, and of course she was right. Almost since the point I had first started dressing earlier that day, I had been dripping pre-cum like water through a rusty down spout.

Miss H hadn't given me permission to masturbate so about the only touching I did was hold my cock for some of the pictures I took. I was going nuts browsing my Tumblr and feeling the soft silky stockings across my legs and the tightness of the stilettos around my feet so I was dying for release. Miss H txted me to say I was finally allowed to masturbate for twenty whole minutes. The catch? I was only allowed to touch myself if I did so while watching gay porn.

Uh-oh. This didn't sound good.

I enjoyed watching "sissy" porn and transvestite porn which usually consisted of Female Dommes and the occasional male used to abuse the submissive cross dresser, so I asked if that would be acceptable to watch. The answer was a resounding no. That would be to easy, if I was really that horny, I was to watch  regular old man on man porn or nothing at all. 

Feeling a bit weird about the whole situation but undeniably horny, I didn't put up much of an argument and instead quickly fired up google to see what was available. It wasn't to long before I found something that fit the bill and like an animal in heat quickly grabbed hold of my hard cock and started stroking like a madman.

While not my first choice for porn viewing, the fact that it was bondage porn (and kind of rough sex at that) helped make it more acceptable, combine that with the fact that it felt so good to finally touch myself again that virtually anything sexual at that point would have turned me on to some degree. I edged myself over and over again, desperate to cum whether it was hot chicks or some muscle dude in leather chaps face fucking his submissive.

The feelings of embarrassment and humiliation didn't really hit until after I was done and had to text Miss H to tell her I was finished and to thank her for allowing me to masturbate. Miss H likes pushing my buttons and messing with my head and this was one task that really did that.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A day of Humiliation Pt. 2

Picking up where I left off on my previous post, after my return from WalMart I quickly slipped into the bathroom at home to remove the plug and jump in the shower. I was already shaved pretty smooth but I wanted things silky so I grabbed my trusty razor and got down to business. The next thing up on Miss H's list of tasks for the day was to be dressed for the remainder of the day. I'm quite partial to my silver dress and white stockings with matching platforms, but today I opted to go a different route.

Black wig, pvc dress, a black stockings and garter set (with cute little pink bows near the top), and some sky high stilettos. It felt wonderful sliding back into some sexy slut clothes and as soon as I was done I ran to my makeup box and started applying my foundation and everything else. I was a little out of practice with my makeup skills, Miss H usually prefers me to dress without any additional makeup or wig, but I managed to pull off a pretty good look if I do say so myself. Now I would love to share the "full" pictures with my face included so you can see for yourself but unfortunately for the sake of privacy, for now at least, I have to be somewhat careful with what I post. In the mean time you can at least enjoy the outfit I was wearing.

It didn't take long before I noticed that my cock was just dripping with pre-cum at the thought of finally being able to be dressed again and I was just absolutely out of my mind horny at this point. Which coincidentally, was probably what Miss H expected would happen and why her next task was so difficult. I would finally be allowed some opportunity for pleasure, but not in the way I necessarily wanted. That will have to wait until the next blog post though because I can't sit around all night blogging, not when Miss H has unfinished housework waiting for me to get done. That laundry isn't going to put itself away so this is the end for now.


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A day of humiliation.

I knew I was going to have today off for a while and I had originally planned to try and be productive and get some errands done, work around the house, etc. Boring stuff, but stuff that needed to get done none the less. I had gently hinted to Miss H about possibly getting dressed during the day my last day off and while she was receptive to the idea, I never got around to doing it (it was my fault actually). She must have remembered my innocent little request because last night she not only txted me that I was to definitely dress on this day off, but a long list of other tasks and humiliations as well. I've only recieved the first four things on the list so far (it's around 11am as I write this entry) but already there's to much to cram into a single blog post so what I'm going to do is break them down over a few days and give each the attention they deserve.

The first thing on the list was to wake up bright and early and head to Walmart to pick up a few things that Miss H needed. It didn't seem that bad until I read exactly what she had in mind for me. I was to take a butt plug and single use packet of lube into the bathroom at the Walmart near our house, edge myself for at least five minutes, then insert the butt plug, and finally go shopping for the items Miss H requested. It's been a while since Miss H wanted to engage in these tasks/humiliations again and while I was super turned on by it, I was also really nervous because I had done anything like this in probably almost six months to a year.

It was about 8:30 when I rolled into the parking lot and was actually more crowded in the store then I had expected. I quickly walked over toward the bathroom, found a clean stall and proceeded to go in and get ready.

I was pretty nervous the first few minutes so I just shut the door and sat down and waited. There was a steady flow of people in and out and it both freaked me out and turned me on to know what I was about to do. I pulled down my pants and started playing with myself and I looked at Tumblr porn on my phone. It wasn't long after that I was getting rather excited and ready to move on to the next step.

I waited till the coast was clear and then stood up to insert the large butt plug into my ass. Considering how anxious I was it slipped in surprisingly easily and I let out a small groan of pleasure as the plug pushed deep inside of me. 

Pulling up my panties, I took a deep breath and told myself to relax, no one could see the plug through my pants and certainly nobody would ever suspect what I was doing. After washing my hands I headed out with a smile across my face as I could feel the wetness both in front of my panties (precum) and in the back (squishy lube). No one gave me a second look or paid much attention to me at all as I shopped.

I finished the rest of the shopping without incident and drove home, the butt plug still secure inside me, as I could only imagine what Miss H had in store for the rest of the day...

Friday, January 11, 2013

My safe place?

For roughly the past two weeks or so Miss H and I have been back in a pretty regular tease and denial groove. Things have been quite good because of it too, we haven't really had any major disagreements or fights, we've both been happy, and it's been a fun time. Now while that hasn't really changed to a huge extent, I did run into a bit of a hiccup in the past few days which kind of really reinforced something I've known for a while.

This past Tuesday night I had a wicked migraine so I ended up going to bed early. This was the first time in a while where Miss H and I hadn't really had any sort of physical contact of some time. The next morning I woke up and although I felt better, the day turned into one long, giant, trek of hell, and subsequently my overall mood took a nose dive. It was one of those days were everything went wrong and the slightest thing seemed to just get under my skin and drive me crazy. Work sucked, the filter on my big fish tank started making this horrible grinding noise, and the list of annoyances kept getting bigger and bigger as the day went on. By the end of the night, I was in full on hissy fit/meltdown/asshole mode and sex of any kind was about the last thing on my mind. I was a total beast to be around and Miss H, to her credit, tried to put me in a better mood and not kick my ass in the process, but to no avail.

Thursday I was in a bit better mood but strangely I wasn't feeling the kink all that much. Maybe the three day break from our normal fun had snapped me out of my cozy sub space feelings? I was thinking about that this morning when one of my coworkers called with a bit of juicy workplace news. To make a long story short, where I work we are big time overstaffed and yet on our last reviews/audits the marks were quite poor. My particular unit was fine but overall, the entire organization was not meeting performance standards. To rectify this, my big bosses decided they implementing a much more stringent, weekly auditing practice that goes into effect next week. They were not shy about explaining that these audits were a way, to put it bluntly, cull the herd and get rid of the deadweight. My particular job position is for the most part safe (the overstaffing is minimal and they actually hired more of us recently) but anything that could potentially leave me without a job isn't exactly news I want to hear about.

While not in freak out mode, it did put me on edge a bit (which is not the kind of edging I like, btw) and started getting a bit anxious. When things like this happen I usually end up obsessing and panicking and get myself all worked up for a while, I'm a bit of worry wart if you haven't picked up on that yet. Then, something strange happened. I started to get a sudden urge to get kinky, not jerk off in the bathroom to fetish porn kind of kinky, but throw on a dress, fuck my ass with a huge dildo, then wear a diaper for the rest of the day kinky. It sounds odd to be suddenly turned on that much when what appears to be a black cloud of doom is forming over head, but thinking about it more, it makes sense.

When ever I've had a stressful or rough patch in my life (divorce, break ups, etc), the only thing that would ever snap me out of it or even just let me think about anything else for even a minute was my kinky side. Exercising, hanging out with friends, engaging in a hobby I enjoyed, none of those things even would enter my radar when I was really depressed or worried about whatever was troubling me at the time. All I could focus on or pour over in excruciating detail was the current problem at hand.

That or kink.

Not to psycho analyze things to much, but I think it's because dressing and enjoying my many fetishes is an escape from the "real" world for a little while. The more the cane stings or the verbal abuse from Miss H makes me shudder, the more I focus on that instead of my other problems. It's not like an alter ego, but it is nice to sometimes step into the role of a sissy whore and allow my priorities to switch from paying the mortgage, making sure I have a job, and keeping an eye on my cholesterol levels, to seeing how long I can stand being mummified in plastic wrap, enjoying the feel of Miss H's strap-on, and hoping she'll release my cock cage long enough for me to pathetically fuck my fleshlight while she ignores me and reads a book. Some people use alcohol or drugs to escape for a while after a rough day, I guess I prefer putting on some silky stockings and dressing like a horny little slut.

Looking back, for as long as I can remember, stressful situations always kicked in an even more intense need to dress and get kinky then usual. It's not that when I'm happy and comfortable I don't want to get kinky, in fact quite the opposite, but when things get stressful it just gets pushed up a notch. All things considered though, if that's the worst thing that happens and all it takes is a butt plug and orgasm denial to recalibrate my emotions on occasion then things could be a lot worse. I'll take vinyl dresses and sissy maid outfits to anti-depressants any day.