Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Diaper Chastity

Miss H has been battling some form of strep throat/virus/bubonic plague on and off for weeks now. It gets almost completely better then suddenly the sore throat and general feelings of fatigue, aches, etc kick right back in. We seem to be in the midst of another outbreak, this time her doctor saying it's a virus and not strep. So anyway to make a long story short she has been a trooper but she really isn't feeling quite up to snuff. Last night, as usual, I was straining in my cock cage from being overly horny. I started massaging Miss H all over and occassionaly rubbing up against her with some dry humping on her leg. She always seems to get some amusement from this and gently rubs my head while I slide against her fully clothed leg like a dog in heat.

I think she just likes to screw with me because I can never tell what her true intentions are. I'll be rubbing against her and gently playing with her nipples and she'll just continue on reading a magazine like I don't even exist. I start to feel guilty like I'm just being overly needy and hounding her so I back off. I'll start to calm down and then a few minutes later out of the blue she'll roll over next to me in bed and start whispering the dirtiest fantasies I can imagine into my ear. I instantly get all charged up again and try to start something with her once more. She might continue, teasing the cock through my shorts with a few strokes before dismissing me with a, "I'm bored with you, that's all for tonight". I'll try to do as she asks even though I'm leaking pre-cum every where by this time and groaning in pain as the CB-6000 cock cage clamps down tight around me. She might continue on like this for the next hour or so or, she might just roll over and go to sleep that very minute. 

By the end of the night I was practically delirious I was so horny. If Miss H made even the most subtle sexual comment or just lightly touched my leg with her beautiful toes, I was off like a rocket to snuggle up with her and try to put my hands on every inch of her sexy body. At some point I guess she had enough of me following her around like a little puppy needy for attention so she told me to flat out roll onto my side of the bed, go to sleep, and not try to touch her again. She was in no mood for any more of my fumbling sexual advances. I don't remember exactly what I said, probably just complaining and asking for more attention from her, when she finally got fed up. "I guess I'm not going to get any sleep or will you as long as you want me to touch that little clit of yours", she said. "I suppose the only answer is to put you in a diaper to keep it safely tucked away so no one will be able to touch it anymore tonight." I immediately started back tracking, telling her not to worry, I would leave her completely alone now that I realize she wasn't in the mood to play any more. "No, no it's to late for that. I like that idea, go get your diapers for me", was her only reply.

When I'm pretty deep in subspace, the thought of diapers just sends me through the roof. When we're just kind of chilling out in bed as vanilla couple though, it's a bit different. I don't hate the idea of diapers but the humiliation they arise in me, especially in front of Miss H, makes them a much less enjoyable experience. Two minutes before bed and having pretty much calmed down from anticipating there wouldn't be any more fun to be had is not exactly the perfect mind set for the embarrassment I feel of getting diapered in front of Miss H. Within minutes I was getting my regular diaper ensemble ready, a pullup, extra liner insert, thick plastic ultra absorbency diaper, duct tape to run around the top to keep things nice and tight, and pair of plastic panties. All of which hidden beneath my regular shorts and t-shirt that I normally wear to bed.

I assumed the new rules Miss H implemented the last time she diapered me were still in effect and I was right. Any time I had to pee during the night I was to wake up Miss H and ask for her permission and then do it while I stood up in front of her. I was only allowed to take off the diaper once I had peed before taking my morning shower before work. If I had not peed then I wouldn't be allowed out of it and would have to wear it to work and keep it on until I had. Not wanting that to happen I drank some water before bed, a *lot* of water, just to be safe. I would soon regret that.

The first time I woke up was around 2 in the morning. I didn't really want to wake up Miss H because I knew she wasn't feeling well but at the same time I didn't want to disregard a direct order so I did as she asked. It didn't take long but the mental burn of standing there wearing a diaper and asking permission from the woman you love to be allowed to piss yourself was rough. Thank god the lights were off and it was dark because some times she makes me look her in the eyes when I'm peeing and that just kills me. Anyway, the diaper was soon warm and full but not really wet as the inner material seemed to wick most of it away. I fell back asleep quickly and hoped that would be the last time.

It wasn't.

Around 5am I woke up again and had to repeat the whole process once more. Then again a third time just as I was getting up to take a shower. That time I did it myself alone in the bathroom because technically I had followed her orders as far as peeing before taking my shower went. When I finally did cut off the diaper I noticed not only that I was still surprisingly dry (probably could have gone an entire day if I had too) but that the cock was fully hard and dripping pre-cum like a leaky garden hose. Here's a picture I snapped when I was finished.

Being forced to wear the diaper was hot, but the thing I enjoyed the most was just the sheer spontaneity of it. We hadn't planned anything for that night and in fact her diapering me was probably more to shut me up and give her some time to sleep then it was to try and get me off, and that's what's the biggest turn on, having a beautiful, dominant woman, who is just as comfortable diapering me to keep me quite as she is picking up a prescription at Walgreen's. The fact that things like this are becoming interwoven into the fabric of our daily lives and not just a "game" we play on the occasional weekend, is more awesome then I can really put into words. Life is good.

Monday, June 25, 2012

A cruel game.

While I was never a huge fan of movies like Saw, I did find the evil rules and horrible choices they had to make, appealing in some weird way. Having to do something so unpleasant in order to earn something they so desperately wanted kind of played into the submissive streak inside me. The one that craves abuse (not on the Saw type level of course), humiliation, and utter lack of control. I like the feeling of being pushed passed my level of comfort in order to receive some relief or as a means to get something I want.

This tends to happen all the time when I get beyond the level of my normal horniness. Now I'm horny on pretty much a 24/7 basis but the thought of drinking my own cum doesn't really get me going till I reach that place where I'm "really" horny. For instance, when Miss H has spent a good portion of the night relentlessly teasing me with both her hand and her verbal abuse, I start out by begging for release. Asking for her to allow me to cum or to perhaps even be inside of her. This is of course just lip service because I know she's going to say no but I still have to try, because every now and then she'll allow me a ruined orgasm if she's feeling nice.

Like I said though, that's rare, so before long I try to bargain with her. I don't really have a lot of chips in my corner so I offer up the only thing I do have, the willingness to degrade myself in order to receive the brief pleasure of an orgasm. I'll offer up drinking my own cum from a glass if she'll just let me have even a ruined orgasm. She makes me do that anyway when I'm milked every two weeks so that offer is usually met with immediate scorn from her. So I ramp things up a bit, sexual release in exchange for a a larger then normal butt plug inside me. Or being made to lay naked in the shower and forced to pee on myself. Anything that I can think of that make pique her interest enough to give me what I want so badly.

She almost never relents to my offers, I'm not sure if that's because she simply won't negotiate and "no cumming tonight" means exactly that, "no cumming tonight" under any circumstances or if my offers of humiliation aren't severe enough for her to enjoy. I've subtly suggested that I really get off on the idea of having a truly nasty humiliation/punishment of her choosing available to me in order to trade for the opportunity to cum. It would have to be something that really pushed me into uncharted territory, a task that pushed the line of what I was willing to do. The idea of having one orgasm any time I wanted to take it, just as long as I was willing to face the consequences. 

A task like walking into Target to buy a designated item but having to do while wearing some obvious piece of women's clothing (bright pink ballet flats or women's jeans and frilly shirt) or dress in my normal guy clothes but be forced to wear my big double D breast forms under a tight t-shirt with my nails painted neon pink. Perhaps made to wear full diaper gear and made to wear them for 24 straight hours before being allowed to take them off. Who knows, the possibilities are endless, anything that straddles the line between turn on and causing a near panic attack would fit the bill.

The idea of the stress and internal arguments I would go through as I struggled to decide if I was really horny enough to do something that terrible to earn that pleasure. Every time Miss H teased me and stroked the cock knowing I could get what I wanted, all I had to do was just say yes to what she offered me. Each passing day making the decision harder and harder until it becomes almost unbearable to not do it yet at the same time being scared silly of actually having to do through with it. It's one thing to deal with the hopelessness of being denied something, it's another to know you have the power to get it, you just have to be brave enough to reach up and grab it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Fun in the sun.

Today is just balls ass nasty outside. Temperatures in the 90's, humidity like a sauna, and just an unpleasant experience to be outside. Luckily yesterday was a bit nicer when I had the day off. Still, it was pretty hot out then too so not wanting to just sit inside all day, I decided I'd take a quick trip down to the beach. Didn't want to go all the way down to Rehoboth, Delaware or any where that was going to be to packed with obnoxiously loud crowds of people, I instead figured I'd head off to a small tucked away beach that for the most part quite serene and quite, except for the occasional bird watcher or fisherman putting their boat into the water.

It was low tide when I got there so the beach stretched on for a couple of miles or so (it's much smaller when the tide comes in). It was quite the picturesque scene with seagulls running along the edge of the water and the waves gently lapping at the shore. I walked for a while along the beach admiring the sites and saying hello to the random people who popped up now and again.

It's amazing what a few days in chastity can do to you however, because even among all that beauty I couldn't stop thinking about the caged cock tucked inside panties that were neatly concealed by my cargo shorts. On a whim I decided to txt Miss H and let her know what I was up to. She enjoyed the pictures I took, hopefully you will too.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Back in the cage

Miss H and I have been slowly but surely moving back into a full time FLR again and it's been going quite well. I don't think either of us are exactly back to where we want to be, but like I said, they're heading in that direction. I haven't been wearing the cage at all in at least the last month or so. A combination of health issues in regards to the penis (all of which are now resolved and healed) and a minor disconnect between Miss H and myself led to putting the cock cage on hold for a while. A week off for some penis chafing, a few days because we were fighting, etc and before you know it I had to take a minute to remember where the CB-6000 even was.

Miss H has tried gently nudging me into wearing it again for the last few days but it just never seemed to happen. It wasn't because I was directly refusing her suggestions, but more because it was something I meant to get around to but just never did. That came to a sudden end yesterday when Miss H laid down the law. Since her subtle suggestions weren't working she went back into Dom mode and simply told me the cage would be on me Monday morning or else. There wasn't a discussion about it, just an order to do as she commanded.

Having finally gotten back into our FLR and more specifically into our kinky life again, I was a bit reluctant to have to have the CB-6000 cage back on. I had gotten lazy and used to having complete control of my penis again. If I wanted to pee I would just walk into the bathroom and stand up. If I wanted to jerk off I could. That level of control was like a power rush and probably didn't help my submissive attitude toward Miss H. Having my cock back again meant I was emboldened to occasionally get snotty with Mistress. If I didn't do the chores I was supposed to, it wasn't as big a deal because that fear of no sexual contact was suddenly gone. The shift of power had swung in my direction.

A small part of me however did miss the cage. I missed the thrill of trying to keep Miss H happy, the challenge of trying to earn even a few minutes of her stroking the cock after releasing me from the cage. I loved the uncertainty of never knowing when my next orgasm was going to happen. It must be a sign of how submissive I really am though because even when I wasn't caged and could have cum as much as I wanted, I didn't. I jerked off a few times but it just didn't feel right to orgasm without having Miss H's permission. Sitting at home alone, horny, and Miss H would have never known yet I still couldn't do it.

Today though none of that really matters because of this.

The cage is now officially back on and this is day one of who knows how long. I thought it might be uncomfortable to wear it again full time but it's been like reuniting with an old friend.

An old friend who'll be close by me for a long time if Miss H has her way.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Full speed ahead.

A few days ago Miss H and I finally got the opportunity to spend some time together without the pressures of work or anything else hanging over our heads. We had an entire night set aside without the slightest responsibility to worry about. Based on her previous txt's and emails, I had assumed we would be going straight back into the kink and FLR with full force. One day prior, boring old vanilla life, that night, crazy kink filled fetish fest complete with dressing, maybe a little strap-on play and who knows what else. It didn't quite turn out that way but it turned out much better than you might imagine.

The night started with a shower and full body shave to get that neat, clean, appearance I prefer. We had a couple of drinks afterwards and just basically chilled out in our bedroom watching TV. I expected at any time she was going to stand up and start barking orders at me. "Go get dressed, sissy" or "find a nice diaper for you to wear". Instead we found ourselves just enjoying each others company and finally talking things over about what had gone wrong with our FLR recently. The misconceptions we had both had, the things that were troubling us, and so forth. It was nice to clear the air and see that an FLR relationship was still something we both wanted.

Of course one thing led to another and before long we were cuddling, then licking, then fucking. I could feel myself getting ready to cum and although I already knew the answer, I asked anyway, "Mistress, may I please cum?". "Not a chance sissy. Not a chance", was her only reply and it was at that moment that I knew things were once again right in the world.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Like flicking a switch

While not a complete 180 degree turn around, my sex drive is suddenly renewed. A couple of days after writing my last blog post I got that little "itch" again. I'm not sure exactly caused it, the usual issues (lack of sleep, stress at work, etc) are all still there but all of a sudden I got the overwhelming urge to get back into things again. Sliding into some silky lingerie, feeling the confinement of the cock cage, hearing the ridicule from Miss H. I wanted it all again.

I'm not quite back to the "been in chastity for three months with no release and I'm fucking dying here" level of sexual need but it's definitely better then it's been for the past few weeks. Miss H and I have talked a bit since I wrote that last blog post and although we haven't had the long in depth conversation we probably should, it at least feels like we're on the same general wave length again. I'm sure at some point real soon we'll sit down and really hash things out but for the time being I'm happy we're at least easing back into things.

We've set aside tomorrow night as our first time to play in a long time. She's pretty insistent that I'll be dressed, probably paddled and who knows what else. It's going to be a bit awkward at first seeing as how we've been so vanilla lately but I don't think it will take to long to settle things down and get to the point where we can both enjoy ourselves.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

A bump in the road.

You may have noticed a recent lull in posting on my blog over the past week or so. It's unfortunately due to a bit of a rough patch Miss H and I have been having in terms of our FLR and kinky life in general. Don't worry, nothing catastrophic, just as this post is titled, a bump in what was other wise a very smooth trip. I don't know what exactly is wrong but I just seemed to have totally lost the energy for sex, specifically kinky sex. That is naturally a problem when our relationship has been rather kink focused the past year and a half.

There wasn't really one incident that caused it, it was more of a perfect storm of circumstances, I think, I'm not really sure because I can't exactly pinpoint the exact cause. Work has just been crazy as usual with my hours taking a toll. I'm staying up to late and getting up to early and by dinner time I'm dragging and just looking forward to going to bed to sleep. "Free" time to play with Miss H is always a challenge so we never get nearly as much kinky time as we would like. This causes days to go by with out any FLR type interactions and kind of puts us out of the zone so to speak. Dirty txt's or internet links that we would shoot back and forth to each other without a moments hesitation begin to slow down because you don't feel quite as comfortable sending stuff like that when you haven't even seen each other naked in half a week.

Then there's the issue of me having an injured penis would required us shelving all sexual activity for about a week and a half. That was like throwing cold water on an already small flame. By the time I was healed up and ready to go, things like dressing, getting diapered, or fucked with a strap-on seemed like distant memories, far from the life we were living now. Sorry to sound like such a drama queen, but in a way that's really how it feels like two separate lives, the one we once had and what we're living now.

I blame myself for this because Miss H has tried everything to kick start the deviancy but I just can't seem to get it going. I'm interested in my mind but I can't seem to get the body moving to do it. I'll check her out when she walks out of the shower naked or I'll browse Tumblr all the time, and while I get turned on, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. Then on those times when I am really horny it's always at the most inopportune time. The middle of the night when Miss H isn't feeling well, when I'm at work and can't get a hold of her, or any of a million other times when it feels like destiny is keeping us on different wavelengths.

I hate feeling like this because I know it's filling Miss H with all sorts of doubt, doesn't he find me attractive anymore? Is he interested in someone else? and all that sort of stuff that can creep up when your sex life changes so drastically. I need to do a better job of communicating with her, to let her know that it really isn't her and that I still love her very much, now so probably more then ever. Things are looking a bit brighter however, we had sex the other night, nothing kinky, just regular sex between a couple in love and it was great. I miss that connection with her and it was nice to feel it again. I also jerked off a few times in the past 4-5 days. I didn't let myself cum but it was nice feeling that wave of horniness swell up again, even if only for a little while.

I'm worried that subconsciously I'm kind of  sabotaging our kinky side because I feel uncomfortable engaging in it after such a long time away from it and more importantly to a much lesser degree then we did during our FLR peak last year. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully accept that someone can be as awesome, sexy, and understanding as Miss H in regards to my kinks so any drop in the intensity level just ramps up my panic meter and my paranoia about her "just doing it to please me".

I'm also considering go to my Dr. and asking him to check my Testosterone levels. Who knows, maybe my lack of energy and sex drive has an easy explanation and easy fix. I'll keep you posted, but for now I'm going back to bed because my head is killing me and I need to slip off into some blissful sleep.