You may have noticed a recent lull in posting on my blog over the past week or so. It's unfortunately due to a bit of a rough patch Miss H and I have been having in terms of our FLR and kinky life in general. Don't worry, nothing catastrophic, just as this post is titled, a bump in what was other wise a very smooth trip. I don't know what exactly is wrong but I just seemed to have totally lost the energy for sex, specifically kinky sex. That is naturally a problem when our relationship has been rather kink focused the past year and a half.
There wasn't really one incident that caused it, it was more of a perfect storm of circumstances, I think, I'm not really sure because I can't exactly pinpoint the exact cause. Work has just been crazy as usual with my hours taking a toll. I'm staying up to late and getting up to early and by dinner time I'm dragging and just looking forward to going to bed to sleep. "Free" time to play with Miss H is always a challenge so we never get nearly as much kinky time as we would like. This causes days to go by with out any FLR type interactions and kind of puts us out of the zone so to speak. Dirty txt's or internet links that we would shoot back and forth to each other without a moments hesitation begin to slow down because you don't feel quite as comfortable sending stuff like that when you haven't even seen each other naked in half a week.
Then there's the issue of me having an injured penis would required us shelving all sexual activity for about a week and a half. That was like throwing cold water on an already small flame. By the time I was healed up and ready to go, things like dressing, getting diapered, or fucked with a strap-on seemed like distant memories, far from the life we were living now. Sorry to sound like such a drama queen, but in a way that's really how it feels like two separate lives, the one we once had and what we're living now.
I blame myself for this because Miss H has tried everything to kick start the deviancy but I just can't seem to get it going. I'm interested in my mind but I can't seem to get the body moving to do it. I'll check her out when she walks out of the shower naked or I'll browse Tumblr all the time, and while I get turned on, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. Then on those times when I am really horny it's always at the most inopportune time. The middle of the night when Miss H isn't feeling well, when I'm at work and can't get a hold of her, or any of a million other times when it feels like destiny is keeping us on different wavelengths.
I hate feeling like this because I know it's filling Miss H with all sorts of doubt, doesn't he find me attractive anymore? Is he interested in someone else? and all that sort of stuff that can creep up when your sex life changes so drastically. I need to do a better job of communicating with her, to let her know that it really isn't her and that I still love her very much, now so probably more then ever. Things are looking a bit brighter however, we had sex the other night, nothing kinky, just regular sex between a couple in love and it was great. I miss that connection with her and it was nice to feel it again. I also jerked off a few times in the past 4-5 days. I didn't let myself cum but it was nice feeling that wave of horniness swell up again, even if only for a little while.
I'm worried that subconsciously I'm kind of sabotaging our kinky side because I feel uncomfortable engaging in it after such a long time away from it and more importantly to a much lesser degree then we did during our FLR peak last year. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully accept that someone can be as awesome, sexy, and understanding as Miss H in regards to my kinks so any drop in the intensity level just ramps up my panic meter and my paranoia about her "just doing it to please me".
I'm also considering go to my Dr. and asking him to check my Testosterone levels. Who knows, maybe my lack of energy and sex drive has an easy explanation and easy fix. I'll keep you posted, but for now I'm going back to bed because my head is killing me and I need to slip off into some blissful sleep.