Monday, June 25, 2012

A cruel game.

While I was never a huge fan of movies like Saw, I did find the evil rules and horrible choices they had to make, appealing in some weird way. Having to do something so unpleasant in order to earn something they so desperately wanted kind of played into the submissive streak inside me. The one that craves abuse (not on the Saw type level of course), humiliation, and utter lack of control. I like the feeling of being pushed passed my level of comfort in order to receive some relief or as a means to get something I want.

This tends to happen all the time when I get beyond the level of my normal horniness. Now I'm horny on pretty much a 24/7 basis but the thought of drinking my own cum doesn't really get me going till I reach that place where I'm "really" horny. For instance, when Miss H has spent a good portion of the night relentlessly teasing me with both her hand and her verbal abuse, I start out by begging for release. Asking for her to allow me to cum or to perhaps even be inside of her. This is of course just lip service because I know she's going to say no but I still have to try, because every now and then she'll allow me a ruined orgasm if she's feeling nice.

Like I said though, that's rare, so before long I try to bargain with her. I don't really have a lot of chips in my corner so I offer up the only thing I do have, the willingness to degrade myself in order to receive the brief pleasure of an orgasm. I'll offer up drinking my own cum from a glass if she'll just let me have even a ruined orgasm. She makes me do that anyway when I'm milked every two weeks so that offer is usually met with immediate scorn from her. So I ramp things up a bit, sexual release in exchange for a a larger then normal butt plug inside me. Or being made to lay naked in the shower and forced to pee on myself. Anything that I can think of that make pique her interest enough to give me what I want so badly.

She almost never relents to my offers, I'm not sure if that's because she simply won't negotiate and "no cumming tonight" means exactly that, "no cumming tonight" under any circumstances or if my offers of humiliation aren't severe enough for her to enjoy. I've subtly suggested that I really get off on the idea of having a truly nasty humiliation/punishment of her choosing available to me in order to trade for the opportunity to cum. It would have to be something that really pushed me into uncharted territory, a task that pushed the line of what I was willing to do. The idea of having one orgasm any time I wanted to take it, just as long as I was willing to face the consequences. 

A task like walking into Target to buy a designated item but having to do while wearing some obvious piece of women's clothing (bright pink ballet flats or women's jeans and frilly shirt) or dress in my normal guy clothes but be forced to wear my big double D breast forms under a tight t-shirt with my nails painted neon pink. Perhaps made to wear full diaper gear and made to wear them for 24 straight hours before being allowed to take them off. Who knows, the possibilities are endless, anything that straddles the line between turn on and causing a near panic attack would fit the bill.

The idea of the stress and internal arguments I would go through as I struggled to decide if I was really horny enough to do something that terrible to earn that pleasure. Every time Miss H teased me and stroked the cock knowing I could get what I wanted, all I had to do was just say yes to what she offered me. Each passing day making the decision harder and harder until it becomes almost unbearable to not do it yet at the same time being scared silly of actually having to do through with it. It's one thing to deal with the hopelessness of being denied something, it's another to know you have the power to get it, you just have to be brave enough to reach up and grab it.

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