Friday, March 30, 2012


A combination of an absolutely shit-tastic week at work and a new injury have kept the kink on the back burner this week, much to my dismay. The work thing is just a matter of dealing with a bunch of crap that will hopefully soon get better. The injury was an accidental byproduct of a recent spur of the moment tease and denial session by Miss H. While still in my cage she started running her hands around my waist, slowly working her way down till she was kind of masturbating me, or more accurately, the plastic cage encompassing the cock that she controls. She was making me crazy as she tormented me with details of what she wanted to do to me in the near future.

It was uncomfortable and even painful as my erection struggled against the unmoving plastic. It felt like either I was going to explode or the cage would splinter into a hail of shrapnel as I tried to get hard inside of it. I don't know about other cock cages, but with my CB-6000 when I try to get hard it immediately starts to yank pretty hard on my balls as the bottom ring is pulled up by my growing attempt at an erection. Then once I'm about as hard as the cage allows me, it starts to act like a cock ring, keeping me semi hard as the blood flow out is restricted. The ball tug alone isn't enough to cause a major problem except for the fact that it always ends up messing with my scrotum piercing and sissy dog tag attached to it. Invariably the ring and tag end up getting twisted in some ridiculous contortion. This time, for the first time, the tag itself actually slightly cut me, opening up about a 1/2 cm cut which I didn't even really notice till the next day when I saw the scab.

Although the piercing itself didn't look to bad, I knew I had annoyed it in some manner because it hurt and was letting out some white, pus type stuff which it tends to do when I play to rough with it. To help it heal I was allowed out of the cage for a while until it got better. Today it's looking a lot better and I'll probably be back to the reassuring comfort of the cage in another day or so. Its hard to imagine missing wearing a cock cage and giving up control of your orgasms, but I do. I miss the feeling of not being in control, the excitement of waiting for Miss H to release me, and just the little rush of doing something kinky that none of my co-workers or anyone else realizes I'm doing.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Needle play

Over the past year or two there have been a lot of changes in my views of certain kinks. Things that I wasn't necessarily grossed out by but was at best neutral about have now come full circle. Diapers being a perfect example of that to just mention one. A lot of that has to do with realizing that emotions like fear and humiliation play a huge role in determining what really turns me on. Fear particularly provides a rush of adrenaline and sexual excitement that few things can match. Things that I normally don't associate with my regular kinks like catheter play or needles don't turn me on because of the feelings of pleasure they may provide, but by the emotional head fuck they bring.

I bought a small box of surgical needles on Amazon a few months ago on a total whim (odd thing to by impulsively, I realize) and they've been sitting in our closet unused ever since. Last night Miss H and I were in the mood to play so while I was getting together some toys that we could use I saw the box of needles and decided to grab one. It was a relatively small needle, a 25 guage, and about an inch long, but it looked menacing enough. I wasn't going to push it to much on Miss H, instead I just mentioned that I grabbed one and left it on the dresser by the bed.

One thing led to another and about an hour into things Miss H had me dressed, butt plug in ass, and laying on my back while she stroked the cock with her gloved hand. She didn't say much but I knew she was getting ready to use the needle. Having had my scrotum pierced a long time ago I'm familiar with a needle piercing me down there, but that was a quick push and it was done. This was going to be different. I tried to get all zen like by having slow, controlled breathing but I was still pretty nervous. I kept waiting for that huge stinging pain but I never really felt that.

To be perfectly honest, I suppose you can say I cheated a little bit because Miss H had previously applied the penis numbing gel to the cock so she could ride me (more on that in my next blog post) so I think when she was playing with my balls before using the needle it may have numbed up the area to a certain degree. That being said some combination of that and Miss H's expert technique made it virtually painless. In fact I was still laying there preparing for the worst when Miss H put her phone in front of my face and showed me the following pic.

The needle had been in for almost a full minute and I hadn't even noticed. I quickly sat up and looked down between my legs and was amazed at what I saw. Here I was with a needle stuck through my scrotum and it was just sitting there, no pain, no blood, nothing. 

After another minute or so she carefully removed it. I was expecting perhaps a little blood, but again there wasn't anything. Miss H seemed to enjoy the whole process as she mentioned how it it would be cool to see a bunch of needles in there instead of just the one the next time we do it. Then this evening she brought it up again, this time saying how she thought it would be cool to run rows of needles up each side then connect them with string to form a little mini corset type creation. 

I'm already looking forward to next time but now I'm a tad worried about how it will feel without any numbing stuff. Of course that only makes the anticipation that much more intense, and just makes me that much more horny when I think about it. I'm glad I still have 99 needles left in the box, wonder how long they'll last now though... 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Not exactly the reward I expected.

I had the day off from work today so last night was the first time in a while when I didn't have to go to bed kind of early. My job requires that I be up and rolling at an ungodly early hour so 11pm is usually bed time for me. We both intended on staying up a little later last night, initially because we were going to get into some kinky fun but when that did seem to be in the cards, just hanging out seemed like a good plan B. Well our chill out night quickly slipped back into some kink. The bottle of Everclear I opened for myself may have had some part in that too, but I digress.

Miss H gave the word to get dressed and it only took a hot minute before I was in stockings, platforms, and a short little dress. She then told me to run into the other room and get two rubber gloves, a bottle of penis numbing gel, my inflatable sex doll, and two condoms. Wasn't really sure what she had in mind but after being locked up for days without the slightest bit of attention being paid to the cock, I was desperate for anything, whether it was a plastic pussy or the real thing. I placed the doll across the bottom of the bed and gave her the rest of the supplies. She took the gel, squirted some into her gloved hand and began stroking me. I was writhing in pleasure, thrilled that she was finally touching me again. I felt a slight tingle from the cream but was still enjoying myself even though I could tell it was starting to work somewhat.

Miss H then slipped on the first condom, the feel of it rolling down my shaft making me groan with sheer joy. Then she unrolled the second one down the quivering cock before her. I was rock hard and out of my mind horny but I tried to remain still. I knew that if I tried to touch her or move she would get pissed and stop. I sat there frozen as I watched her squirt a big load of lube into the blow up dolls pussy. "You have one minute to fuck that doll as hard as you want. You're free to cum if you want and I don't mean a ruined orgasm either. You can have a full blown orgasm in it if you can. Your time starts now", she calmly explained to me.

I was shocked at how nice I thought she was being so I ended up mumbling something like "a real orgasm?". "Yes, but you better hurry up, you've already wasted some of your time", she replied. Like a hungry cheetah going after a wounded gazelle, I pounced on the doll immediately and furiously began fucking it for all I was worth. Miss H just sat back and watched with a smirk on her face as I attacked that plastic hole like a mad man in heat. Between the multiple condoms, the numbing gel, and the alcohol, it was hard to feel all that much so even though I normally can't last for more then maybe 20 seconds, here I was almost a full minute into it and wasn't even getting close. At one point I thought I might cum but I'm so used to holding back that I temporarily stopped just for a split second, but that was enough to break my momentum and the opportunity was lost.

"Time! Pull out now!", she yelled with a mix of amusement and disgust.

I did what I was told and pulled out. What I thought was her being nice was actually just cold blooded shit, for lack of a more precise term. When she told me I could fuck the doll till I came, my biggest concern I thought was going to be managing the post orgasm let down, but instead it turned out to be the frustration of physically not being able to do something I was given free reign to do. I know I must have sounded like a hurt little puppy when I pulled out because I was begging and pleading, whining and almost crying I was so horny and desperate for relief. "Aw, poor baby", she said sarcastically, "would you like another two minutes?". My eyes lit up and I pleaded for the opportunity even though I figured she was just toying with me and would soon say no.

"Ok, why not", was her reply. "Thank you Mistress", I blurted out before reentering the slick plastic folds of the doll. I pumped into it over and over again, sure that I would finally be able to feel the release I so desperately desired. Harder and harder I fucked it, grabbing her fake tits and like an animal slamming into it nonstop, occasionally looking over at Miss H while she just sat there with a look of utter disdain on her face.

"Done!", she shouted as I pulled out even more frustrated then before.

I had now gone three entire minutes without cumming which may not seem like much to most people, but was absolutely herculean for me. I rolled over to Miss H hoping that perhaps she would be in the mood to maybe touch me herself but she quickly put an end to that idea. "No, I don't think so", she dismissed me with her hand, pushing me away. "You can get into a diaper now, I'm done with you for the night".  Not exactly what I wanted to hear but I did what I was told.

I soon returned and laid up against her after removing the condoms and diapering. I tried dry humping her leg a bit, hoping she might at least let me do that for a few minutes as a reward for being so compliant tonight. After a few seconds of rubbing against her outer thigh she leaned over and in a quite voice gently spoke, "how'd you like to cum in that diaper?". "Yes Mistress, I would love a ruined orgasm", I eagerly replied. "Not a ruined, a real one", was her response. It was almost to good to be true. I dry humped her leg from inside my thickly padded diaper while she verbally degraded me, calling me every humiliating name she could think off. It took a little while but eventually I felt an orgasm rising up and went for it. I could feel the I was cumming but the orgasm itself was very, very weak. I must have had so much numbing gel still on me that although I technically came I could barely feel it. I fell asleep soon afterwards, my cum filled diaper and lingerie making me feel so warm and content inside.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The diapering gets more strict

Miss H is well aware that diapers are one of the most effective means of humiliating me and just crushing me emotionally. The mere mention of the word both gets me dripping wet in my panties and cringing in shame to the point where I want to run off and hide in a hole somewhere. It's the that emotional edge that just seems to do it for me and Miss H plays me like a finely tuned musical instrument with them. Recently she's started introducing them more and more often into our life, both during kinky play and occasionally during the most mundane times just to mess with my head and make we wallow in the love/hate relationship I have with being diapered. Like most other things with our sex life, new kinks start out slow, then once it becomes more comfortable it quickly picks up the pace and gets taken to levels neither of us had originally intended. That's a good thing by the way ;)

In terms of diapers, that means they becoming much more common place. If she doesn't feel like engaging in any type of sexual contact at all, she might just order me into a diaper as they make effective, if only temporary chastity devices. No way to get any real type of easy access to the cock when it's neatly trapped behind layer after layer of thick padded diapers. If I get to "bossy" or start acting up, a diaper is perfect for knocking down that attitude a few pegs. Or even just to simply reinforce my sissy status, a good diapering does wonders.

Last night was a new first when it comes to me being in diapers and it was both deliciously exciting and dreadfully embarrassing, just how I like it. Normally Miss H will put me in a diaper before bed if we've been playing and I'm to wear it until I have to use it. At which point I'm to ask Miss H for permission to pee in the diaper while she watches (she knows it utterly humiliates me to have to do it while she's watching me). Then I'm allowed to go into the bathroom, remove it, and shower. The shame ends, I can go back to telling myself that I'm not actually a perverted little fuck who gets off being a diapered sissy, and life marches on. This time though it was about 5am when I woke up with an overwhelming need to pee so I gently awoke Miss H, asked for permission and when I was done got ready to get up to go change.

"Not so fast, you can keep that on till 9am. It's only four hours so that shouldn't be to bad", she said with a chuckle as she then rolled back over to go to sleep. I sighed slightly under my breath and returned to bed. I wasn't worried about a leak, there were so many layers of padding and plastic panties on top that a gallon of water wouldn't have been able to make it through that level of protection, but the thought of having to be like that made me curl up into a ball under the covers, hoping Miss H wouldn't have to look at me in this sad, pathetic state of affairs. Around 7:20am I had to go again and had to complete my ritual again, asking for permission, dealing with the humiliation and wetting that same diaper once more. The only good thing that physically at least, it wasn't really all that uncomfortable or wet surprisingly. The diapers had done a wonderful job of keeping me dry, or at least much dryer then I had expected.

Finally when the time came I was allowed to head into the bathroom and change, but not before I had to go one last time (it probably would have been smart to cut down on all the water I drank all night but to be fair I wasn't expecting to be diapered so I wasn't really prepared). I could have just waited until I was in the bathroom, taken things off like I was then allowed to, and peed, but instead I did it in the diaper one last time. I'm not sure if it was because I didn't want to "cheat" or just because pissing in their diapers is what sissy diaper bitches do, but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to degrade myself once more.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Busy is kind of an understatement, the past week has been crazy busy with family functions, a new job title (and all that encompasses), and the daily rigors of day to day life. I'm going to try an update in the next day or so with a bunch of new pics Miss H and I took last weekend. I finally got to be back in diapers and a dress so that was a long wished for relief and couldn't come soon enough.

Miss H has kept me in my cock cage full time since last Sunday with virtually no "playing" at all. In the past she would tease me almost every night either with her hand or just allowing me to dry hump her leg or ass. So far that hasn't been the case and it's throwing me for a loop. It's hot that she's so in control and more dominant, but damn, I'm getting desperate here and the lack of teasing is a bummer. I'd love to expand and write more but typing this on my phone is getting tiresome and I've unfortunately got to get back to work.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

A big turning point.

I feel as though Miss H and I have come to a major fork in the road that will begin to redefine exactly what our FLR means to us. Is it a little game we play to spice things up, a major part of our sex life, or one of the biggest things that define who we are as a couple. Miss H had mentioned in passing over the past week or so how once we get back into our FLR after our short month long break, things would be serious. We were taking things up a few levels and it was unlikely I would be allowed to cum before 2013 at best. Ruined orgasms/milkings would still be given to maintain health, but a real orgasm would be out of the question. I was excited to say the least at the potential changes that were upcoming.

A few months ago I forwarded a blog post (can't remember the site right now, sorry) to Miss H and the topic was financial domination in the couples FLR relationship. Both husband and wife had high paying professional jobs but all decisions were strictly made by the wife. Both their paychecks were deposited into a joint account that only she could now access. She not only paid the bills,etc from that account but used it to provide a modest allowance for her husband. It was barely enough to buy anything other then perhaps a meal out once a week or so. If the husband wanted something he had to properly go through a humiliating ritual  that was part of the process of asking  his wife to have the money for what ever particular item he wanted to buy. If she said no, that was it and the discussion was over.

I was never a fan of financial domination, it always seemed like a scam for a dominatrix to basically just act bitchy and flat out tell people to buy her stuff as a means of "tribute". This on the other hand felt different. It wasn't fleecing somebody for a cheap sexual thrill, but another means to totally emasculate the blog author's husband. The money wasn't wasted, she used it for regular household needs and the occasional special purchase for herself, but it just provided one more way to ram home the idea that she was in charge and he simply wasn't even on the same level as her anymore.

I forwarded the link to Miss H and she seemed halfway interested in the idea. Not going crazy over it but certainly at least intrigued by it. As the weeks went by she would now and again mention something about how perhaps we should do the same thing. My check would go into her account and then she could properly dole out a suitable allowance because often times I'm more concerned with buying things I want then saving for our wedding or other bigger, more important things. The idea turned me on but I dismissed the whole idea as nothing more then "pillow talk" Miss H was using to trying and turn me on. It sounded good, but would unfortunately never amount to anything, much like some of the other fantasies we often talked about.

Today I got a txt from her and the message basically said that she was sick of me watching sports all the time (I do tend to get obsessive about watching sports, so she's got a point) and that she had been thinking about our previous discussions in regards to financial domination so starting this Sunday, I was free to watch as many games as I wanted. The catch was from that point on, any game would cost me $7.50 to watch. Didn't matter if I watched a five minutes or the entire game, the price was the same. At home, on my phone, at a bar, anywhere I saw the game I was expected to be honest and report it to her and at the end of each week tally up my bill and present her with payment. Now $7.50 may not sound like too much, but I watch at least some portion of 2-3 games a night, more on the weekends, so it can add up real quick. Miss H told me that at my current rate she'll be able to afford a trip to see part of her family in barely over a month.

The idea resonated with her for three reasons, first because it's going to deeply curtail the amount of sports which I love to watch but she hates. Second, it's a way to show once again that she's the one in charge, and three, the idea of getting an extra little paycheck each week certainly is a motivating factor. I figured she was just playing around because the day before I was droning on about how psyched I was for March Madness and the ensuing onslaught of college basketball games that would bring. I sent back a few "sure, whatever, you're funny" txt's in response but it soon became clear that she was pretty serious about the idea

To be perfectly honest, I was immediately torn about the idea. On the one hand, that sounds super hot and anything at all Miss H does to become more dominant, more aggressive, and generally more of a ball busting bitch is just plain awesome in my book. The flip side to that though is, well, I love sports and there is going to be a precipitous drop in the number of hours of TV watching I'm going to be able to afford. It's going to be hard to give all that up, especially with the tournament about to start and baseball coming soon.

I guess my biggest worry/turn on/anxiety is how this is all going to play out in the long run. I'm taking Miss H at face value that she's becoming much more comfortable with her role as a Domme and with our FLR in general and this is honestly a first step into a much more serious and complete wife led marriage. The wetness in my panties right now from all my precum is a testament to how much the idea of it gets me excited but I'm just concerned how I'll feel with things once I have cum and I'm not thinking so much with my little head instead of my big head if you know what I mean. I actually think it will be ok, well more then ok and probably one of the best things I've ever done. However I'm also a bit freaked out by big changes and I think that this is probably just the start of something a whole lot bigger and much more intense in terms of all aspects of our FLR.

That being said, I really don't know how much of a say I have in the matter any way. I suppose I can just say no, I'm not paying you and I'm going to do what I want. Miss H wouldn't yell or throw a hissy fit over it. She would just say ok and act like nothing major happened. Of course that would probably be the last time I ever came close to any type of sex or kink from her again for a very, very long time. It's kind of all or nothing, especially now as she seems to actually want to get more extreme as opposed to doing it for my benefit. It's hard to tell her that I flat out refuse her order then the next night ask her to please spank me. She's of the school of thought that once you burn a bridge there's no coming back.

I want to see just how far Miss H is going to take things and if opening my wallet is the first step in that journey then in my mind it's a small price to pay both literally and figuratively. It should be an interesting journey.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Denied once more

I've been caged again since this past Sunday morning and it was kind of like riding a bike again after a long lay off. Kind of wobbly to start but then back in a zone shortly afterwards. I had missed the feeling of security and comfort the cage provides. It's a weird feeling to explain to someone who isn't submissive and has never experienced it, but it's like a security blanket. Mentally it makes me feel good to have it on. It's like a photo in my wallet, a way to sort of carry around a reminder of Miss H with me where ever I go. Every time I have to sit to pee or yelp when the cage fights back another attempted erection makes me think of her. Physically there are a few things I don't miss, the occasional pinching of skin of the extra maintenance required to keep it clean but those are minor quibbles when it brings me so much joy in other ways.

Last night Miss H started in with a bit of dirty talk and of course within seconds I was grunting and groaning, partly from how turned on I was, and partly because the erection I was straining to achieve was becoming painful against the plastic cage. Beyond the initial pain of seemingly bursting through the openings of the cage, the device tends to act like a cock ring and maintain an erection longer then I would have liked based on the pain I was getting from my confinement. I'm thinking about dead puppies, old people fucking, anything to calm myself down and nothing was working. Miss H ushered me off to bed and even then it was still about 5 minutes before things chilled out enough to the point where I could totally relax.

I wanted out of the cage *big time* last night but Miss H was having none of it. She let me cuddle up with her for a few minutes, teased me mercilessly, and that was it. A condescending "sorry honey, not tonight", and she was through. One part of me was annoyed I didn't get what I wanted but the mental rush of really having my sexual pleasure back totally under her control was amazing. This wasn't her denying me because she thought I would enjoy it, but her denying me because she was simply tired and didn't give a shit about getting into things with me that night. There was no "gee, I'm really sorry, do you mind if we skip sex tonight?" or anything like that, it was purely a "my needs come first and I don't feel the slightest bit bad about it" mentality. Even though it's early, we're definitely back on our way to a full FLR relationship. I'm in heaven.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Final blog writing assignment

As the title says, this is the last writing assignment Miss H has given me while she's out of town on business. There's no real topic today, she said I was free to write about what ever it is I want so I figured I would switch things up from the sort of deep emotional posts I've made over the past few days and instead go for something more visual and physical. One of Miss H's orders for when I was by myself this past weekend was to be dressed from early Saturday night all the way to Sunday morning.  I could anything I wanted to while dressed with the following rules in effect - 

  1. I was allowed to drink if I wanted, I just need to txt her for permission before each shot I chose to take.
  2. Along with dressing I was required to paint my nails, wear one of my wigs, and put on full makeup.
  3. I was allowed to masturbate as much as I wanted to but at no time was I allowed to cum.
  4. I had to send her a picture at 11pm showing that I was doing as told.
I chose a shiny, slick, white skirt, a dark pink top, white stockings and platforms, a shoulder length blonde wig, and of course some slutty makeup to match. I was a little nervous getting dressed again after being away from it for nearly a month but after the first shot of Everclear (yes, I know that's what poor college kids and the homeless drink, but I don't care) miraculously found myself crazy horny and ready to jump into just about anything.

I started out just casually doing some house keeping with my FetLife account, answering some messages, adding new friends, and so on. I played around on Twitter for a while then when I started to feel the precum leaking down my leg I couldn't help myself any longer and started to masturbate. Slow and gently at first, not wanting to get to excited and have an accident. Spent a good 45 minutes on Tumblr just reblogging and jerking off to pictures I liked. Then moved on to the huge stash of porn I have on my laptop and continued the fun there. A few more shots ensued and I was going nuts, hyper horny and unable to do much about it.

Just for kicks I checked out Craigslist to see what kind of crazy personal ads were posted. Not that I was going to respond to them or anything like that without Miss H around but it was an amusing way to kill a half hour or so. Then it just became a vicious cycle of masturbating, tweeting, checking FetLife, going on Tumblr, seeing what's on the web, and then all over again. I eventually stopped long enough to change outfits before getting right back to it. There was more then one time where I was so horny I thought about cheating and just letting myself cum. I could have done that and never told Miss H. After all she would have never known. But the problem is, I would know, and if she can't trust me to do what she says then that's a kind of Dom/sub bond I've broken. So instead I just kept on doing what I was doing, trying to fill an insatiable desire that won't be quenched again for a very, very long time if Miss H has anything to say about it.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Blog writing assignment day #4

The topic for today is "Reread your blog from the beginning and reflect on how things have changed and what you would like to see a year from now". Looking back through all of the 170 posts I've made since I started this blog there are a few things that become quite apparent. The first being that I really need to spend more time proof reading my work for grammatical errors ;) I tend to get on a roll and type just about as fast as the words pop into my head so it becomes a sort of stream of consciousness thing and going back to edit at the end seems to rarely happen. It drives Miss H crazy because writing is one of her specialties so I'm sure that when she's reading my post she must be gritting her teeth and cursing me under her breath.

One a more serious note I think the biggest change from then to now is that I'm starting to get more comfortable with both Miss H and my kinks and consequently things are slowly inching more extreme with each passing day. That's a good thing in my mind and shows me that we're exploring new things and expanding what our comfort level is. I have to laugh when I think about the things I used to worry about telling Miss H. The first time I told her I wanted to be forced into wearing a diaper or having to drink a cup of her piss. They seemed like they would be instant relationship killers. That would be taking things one step to far and it would be the breaking point that would cause Miss H to finally just say she's had it and that would be the end of things. Instead, she's about the most understanding, awesome person you could imagine. If you're a fan of sex columnist Dan Savage then she's the definition of GGG.

The other big change has been Miss H's evolution into a true dominant. She was very hesitant and self conscious when we first starting our FLR. She seemed to be more concerned with living up to what the stereotypical vision of a dominant female was. She was often times more of an actress trying to play a role to turn me on then actually fully embracing her own dominant desires and doing what she really wanted. It was a learning phase for both of us and thankfully we've both become more at ease with what we like. She will still on occasion do what she knows turns me on, but now it's because she's feeling generous and wants to provide me pleasure as opposed to feeling obligated to do it and pressured. For example she knows I love to worship her feet when she gets home from a long day at work so she allows me that joy. Yet, if she's had a bad day at work and isn't in the mood, she won't show a seconds hesitation to tell me no and to leave her alone.

A year from now I hope we're actually in a similar situation to where we are now. Our FLR will be still in full effect and going strong, I'll be blogging about our latest kinky adventures, and there will still be that electric, kind of nervous energy I get every time I'm around Miss H. I'm pretty sure I'll still be super neurotic about my kinks, only a year from now it will be anxious about a whole new set of kinky things I want to try instead of my current issues. If I had to make a list of things I would like to see in place a year from now it would probably be similar to things I've mentioned in the past few day's blog posts. Namely, more diaper and dressing time, exploring the "frilly sissy" aspect of dressing (like the pic below) to a larger degree, and just having my limits really pushed in all manners, whether it be with bondage, humiliation, S/M or anything else. I'd love to see just how far Miss H can push me and find out exactly where my breaking point truly is. The challenge of not giving in to her when she tells me to do something I hate/fear is another of those weird mind fucks that I get off on.


There are a few other fantasies that Miss H and I often delve into that I would like to see either take place in the next year or at least start moving in that direction in a very concrete way. This is of course dependent on Miss H and I sitting down and talking about them ahead of time and both being fully ok with taking it any further. I want these to be our fantasies and turns on that are being acted on, something that we do together as a loving couple as a way to mutually enjoy ourselves in a new and different way.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Blog assignment day #3

Today's topic as chosen by Miss H is "What Dom desires of mine have gone unfulfilled because we didn't switch?" Now before I get started on that let me give you a bit of background info. Back in the day before Miss H knew what a panty wearing sissy I was, we used to switch quite regularly, especially because up until recently Miss H considered herself more of a submissive then a dominant. I used to enjoy being Dominant but not for the reasons you might think.

Much like Miss H, I've always been a pleaser, I hate making other people unhappy and if for any reason I think somebody doesn't like me then I kind of freak out. For instance when Miss H is giving me oral I enjoy it. Well at least for the first thirty seconds or so, then I start to panic that she's not enjoying herself. Is her jaw getting sore? Is she just doing this because she feels obligated? I get all anxious and can't enjoy myself because I think I"m being selfish. When I'm dominant part of that worry is erased, I'm supposed to be in charge and my pleasure is concern #1 so I can at least partly relax and enjoy myself to some degree. So many times I wanted to be the "cruel dominant" just so I could have some worry free fun.

The bigger reason I liked being Dom is because I'm so super submissive. Sounds weird, but just bare with me. I totally love the extreme, rough, vicious kind of kink. The sort of thing that you would see in a Max Hardcore movie or the old Insex type bondage stuff. The degradation, torture, and complete mental abuse they portray is exactly the type of thing that gets me off like almost nothing else. It's exactly the type of thing I want done to me but Miss H has been some what reluctant to fully try to the level I crave. It's understandable why she may not want to push things to that level, after all, to most people that's something horrible that you wouldn't want to do to your worst enemy much less someone you love. But that's precisely what I want the most. When I'm dominant then I can begin to explore those kinks on the level I desire and while not experiencing them personally, I can at least live vicariously through Miss H's experiences.

I guess maybe subconsciously I'm acting out these fantasies on Miss H in the hopes that maybe it makes them less scary for her and more likely to try them on me. Perhaps if she was exposed to them then she might be intrigued and want to explore them even more. I hate to admit it because it makes me sound like a total dick, but I think some small part of me wanted to be dominant and "torture her" because maybe if it got bad enough (still on a consensual level of course) then maybe she would be annoyed enough to seek revenge the next time she was dominant and ramp things up more then she normally does. Kind of like how the keeper will repeatedly poke the caged tiger over and over again to get him to roar and impress the crowd. A shitty thing to do and completely unhealthy, but something I've learned about myself and won't do again.

I had been hinting to Miss H that I wanted to switch just once during our break before we got back into the FLR, just to change things up a bit and she was actually receptive to the idea. She said she would do it but probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as she had in the past because, to use her words, "she just didn't identify as submissive anymore". I guess it's hard to be submissive to someone when you've just spent the past year or so having them diapered, dressed like a sissy bitch, and waiting on you hand and foot. As much as I wanted to ravage her, I couldn't help but think how she would never really be submissive to me again. She may physically submit, but mentally we were never going to be on the same level any more

Besides, as much as I was craving to paddle her beautiful ass, I was dying to slip into my favorite pink satin sissy dress even more. I wanted to fuck her hard, but at the same time I was itching to be locked up in my cock cage and denied over and over again. I think over the course of our relationship a lot has changed. We've both come to realize that kink isn't just a flavor of our sex life, but a major part of who we are. That while we both like to switch on occasion, it's clear where the natural order of things lay, Miss H leading our future marriage and me being her dutiful and loving submissive.

Blog assignment day #2

Today Miss H decided that my writing assignment should be to write about what I hope and what I expect to happen with our return to a full FLR. The topic actually makes me a little uneasy to write about for the simple reason that I don't want it to come off like I'm complaining or trying to top from the bottom. There are plenty of things I want to have happen as we get back to our female led relationship, but I'm kind of worried that Miss H will look at them as complaints about what we're not doing and feel like she's not doing something right (which is obviously anti to the whole female led idea). So with that being said I'm going to venture out on a limb and let loose, so in no particular order -

  1. Miss H to focus more on her needs then worrying about what will make me happy. She's gotten better at this and is clearly more comfortable taking an aggressive role when needed as our experience with FLR has grown. I just want her to enjoy this as much as I am so I hope she can be even more at ease and just do what she wants to. Sure it would be nice if she took the time to think about my needs/desires, but ultimately I get off when she's doing her thing and putting my needs second. For instance, I hate the fact she's put channel locks on ESPN, etc because I watch so much sports, but the anger over missing a game is more then made up for by the feelings of submission I get knowing that she has final say in what I'm allowed to watch. It makes me feel so submissive and I love that. For her to have the comfort level to just say "no" and not second guess herself all the time would be great.
  2. More diaper play. I think it would be awesome to spend any time Miss H isn't specifically using me to be forced into the humiliation of wearing thick diapers as both a further means of chastity and also a way to embarrass me even more. Or to just randomly make me wear them to work one day or whatever. When I bring it up she always says something like "I have no problem with putting you in diapers, I just forget about it because it doesn't rank up there with my personal favorite kinks. I don't have the slightest problem with you wearing them, but if you want to wear them you need to remind me about them and then I'll take it from there". The problem is, like most of my kinks, the excitement comes from being "forced" to do something so while I like to wear diapers, get dressed in fem clothes, etc having to specifically ask her to make me do it kind of defeats the purpose a bit.
  3. I think that at some point soon Miss H and I will need to have a serious conversation about certain fantasies we've danced around with. The kind that we get into full force in the heat of the moment, then suddenly become less clear about in the light of the next day. It's not a big problem or anything, but we both need to be crystal clear about what we want/are willing to do so nothing unexpected pops up down the road. 
  4. Unexpected kinky time is also something that would be awesome if we could continue with and expand. Miss H is really good about surprising me with tasks, orders, etc when I least expect them and I love it. We used to be much more rigid in our kinky time, this Saturday night from 8pm to Midnight or next friday night after dinner, or that sort of thing, but as time went on Miss H really started to keep me on my toes. Out of nowhere I'd get a txt at work to go do some humiliating task or I'd have a day off and she would order me to spend the day dressed. Those kind of things really help with making the 24/7 aspect of FLR seem so much more real. 
  5. Interactivity is probably another thing that I'll see more of during this upcoming year. Miss H has mentioned several times that we should put me on Skype to chat with people or as a form of punishment, have to phones sex with total strangers, and that sort of thing. The thought of it both turns me on and freaks me out a bit so it's an exciting topic that I'd like to explore more with Miss H at my side.
  6. Maybe using more of the toys and bondage gear we have. We have two closets that are just about bursting at the seams with clothes, toys, and bondage gear so taking more time to explore all those goodies would be fun as well. We always talk about using them more and Miss H actually tells me to get some out, which I do, but then we start playing with each other and before you know it, neither of us wants to stop the action to get a cock sheath or paddle.
  7. Finally, I fully expect that the physical abuse I take (and love) from Miss H will get more extreme.  Face slapping, caning, and the like have all gotten progressively more severe, much to my enjoyment, so I can only assume that Miss H will continue to ramp this up as she gets more and more comfortable with hurting me. Each time we finish a session and I'm smiling ear to ear or leaking pre-cum everywhere just helps reinforce that I'm a bit of a pain slut and that she's not actually causing long term damage. Short term pain yes, long term injuries, no. To be abused to the point of crying or having to call the safeword is my goal for this year ;)
So what will actually be different, or worse, or better during this extended period of FLR we're getting into? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Back in business

Kissing Miss H goodbye this morning as she left for the airport was bittersweet, I was excited because this was technically the first day of our full time return to the FLR lifestyle that had proved so satisfying to both of us this past year, but sad because I was going to really miss her for the next five days should would be gone on her trip. Tonight is the first time we haven't slept in the same bed in a very long time and it's kind of bumming me out as I sit here typing this. The main reason I'm even blogging tonight is because as you may have read on her blog, Miss H has left me a long list of tasks to accomplish while she's away. First and foremost is to to blog more frequently. Each day she's arranged a specific topic she wants me to touch on and today's topic is "what have I enjoyed both physically and mentally about our short break from the FLR".

The biggest thing I've enjoyed physically is without a doubt the ability to cum freely and at my discretion. If I wanted to jerk off and cum in the shower, I could. If I wanted to roll over in the middle of the night and get something started with Miss H, I could. It was a strange return to freedom that I hadn't been accustomed to in a long time. One more then one occasion I found myself masturbating to the point of almost cumming then stopping, only to then remember I didn't have to  restrain myself any longer.

Being able to cum inside Miss H was also another wonderful treat. My opportunities to be inside of her in the previous year have been limited to say the least, and on those one or two instances I was allowed to cum in her they were ruined orgasms so I couldn't even really enjoy them. I would be allowed to pump the cock inside of her but stop immediately when I felt that I was about to cum. Talk about self discipline, few things are harder then being so desperately horny then have to stop yourself and refrain from the one thing you want more then anything else just because your Mistress would rather see you suffer then experience the joyous relief a quick orgasm could provide.

Emotionally though I didn't quite get the same level of enjoyment from our temporary break as I did physically. After having my first real orgasm after almost a year in chastity I slipped into a kind of mini funk for a few days. I think maybe it was because my hormones were kind of out of whack from all that built of testosterone or perhaps it was just a feeling of shame and embarrassment that hit me after suddenly being "out of the zone" from cumming. So initially, not getting right back into the FLR was great. We were just a so called normal couple enjoying a regular sex life. I didn't have to worry about whether Miss H was secretly upset with "having to be kinky to keep me happy" or any of the zillion other neurosis I carry around with me on a daily basis.

Then, as I've discussed here before we started to have problems. Not so much in terms of our relationship, but just with timing. We were free to fuck as much as we wanted to but nothing seemed to ever line up. I was sick and she was fine.Then she got sick and I was fine. Through in some issues with our families and what should have been a wonderful sexcapade turned into a seemingly nonstop string of hassles that kept us from being together like Miss H and I wanted. Also after about the first week or two all those kinky feelings that I was trying to push into the background due to my on personal embarrassment with them starting bubbling to the surface again. Dressing, being diapered, serving Miss H as her submissive, those urges kept getting stronger and stronger but I didn't want to act on them or bring them up with Miss H because we were supposed to be taking a short break from all of that.

It was getting to the point where I was masturbating daily and imposing a self enforced chastity on myself but not allowing myself to cum no matter how much I wanted to, just so I could experience that feeling of tease and denial again that Miss H was so good at. There's a certain level of relief and comfort in knowing that we'll soon be returning to the kinky world of our FLR that has become our new norm.