Much like Miss H, I've always been a pleaser, I hate making other people unhappy and if for any reason I think somebody doesn't like me then I kind of freak out. For instance when Miss H is giving me oral I enjoy it. Well at least for the first thirty seconds or so, then I start to panic that she's not enjoying herself. Is her jaw getting sore? Is she just doing this because she feels obligated? I get all anxious and can't enjoy myself because I think I"m being selfish. When I'm dominant part of that worry is erased, I'm supposed to be in charge and my pleasure is concern #1 so I can at least partly relax and enjoy myself to some degree. So many times I wanted to be the "cruel dominant" just so I could have some worry free fun.
The bigger reason I liked being Dom is because I'm so super submissive. Sounds weird, but just bare with me. I totally love the extreme, rough, vicious kind of kink. The sort of thing that you would see in a Max Hardcore movie or the old Insex type bondage stuff. The degradation, torture, and complete mental abuse they portray is exactly the type of thing that gets me off like almost nothing else. It's exactly the type of thing I want done to me but Miss H has been some what reluctant to fully try to the level I crave. It's understandable why she may not want to push things to that level, after all, to most people that's something horrible that you wouldn't want to do to your worst enemy much less someone you love. But that's precisely what I want the most. When I'm dominant then I can begin to explore those kinks on the level I desire and while not experiencing them personally, I can at least live vicariously through Miss H's experiences.
I guess maybe subconsciously I'm acting out these fantasies on Miss H in the hopes that maybe it makes them less scary for her and more likely to try them on me. Perhaps if she was exposed to them then she might be intrigued and want to explore them even more. I hate to admit it because it makes me sound like a total dick, but I think some small part of me wanted to be dominant and "torture her" because maybe if it got bad enough (still on a consensual level of course) then maybe she would be annoyed enough to seek revenge the next time she was dominant and ramp things up more then she normally does. Kind of like how the keeper will repeatedly poke the caged tiger over and over again to get him to roar and impress the crowd. A shitty thing to do and completely unhealthy, but something I've learned about myself and won't do again.
I had been hinting to Miss H that I wanted to switch just once during our break before we got back into the FLR, just to change things up a bit and she was actually receptive to the idea. She said she would do it but probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as she had in the past because, to use her words, "she just didn't identify as submissive anymore". I guess it's hard to be submissive to someone when you've just spent the past year or so having them diapered, dressed like a sissy bitch, and waiting on you hand and foot. As much as I wanted to ravage her, I couldn't help but think how she would never really be submissive to me again. She may physically submit, but mentally we were never going to be on the same level any more
Besides, as much as I was craving to paddle her beautiful ass, I was dying to slip into my favorite pink satin sissy dress even more. I wanted to fuck her hard, but at the same time I was itching to be locked up in my cock cage and denied over and over again. I think over the course of our relationship a lot has changed. We've both come to realize that kink isn't just a flavor of our sex life, but a major part of who we are. That while we both like to switch on occasion, it's clear where the natural order of things lay, Miss H leading our future marriage and me being her dutiful and loving submissive.