Thursday, September 27, 2012

Out for a walk

I don't exercise nearly as much as I should, but at the very least I try to head out 3-4 times a week and go for a nice 40 minute walk. Usually this is kind of late at night due to the fact that it's about the only free time I have and also because the weather is much more comfortable that time of night. I toss on my earbuds, fire up some podcasts and just let the stress of the day fade away as I have a nice little slice of peace and quite to resettle myself before the start of another hectic work day.

Two nights ago I was getting ready to head out for my walk so I stopped into our bedroom to kiss Miss H goodbye. She was laying down in bed, reading a book on her Kindle, as I walked up to her. I was feeling more then a bit horny at the time so I ran my hand across her ass while kissing her, hoping it would spark something and provide me with some relief from an extended time in chastity. She smiled and kissed me back but that was it, she quickly returned to reading her book, seemingly not interested in going any further with my sexual advances. I made a fake groaning noise like a wounded animal and sighed, "Jesus Christ, I am so horny". "Oh well", was her only response as she dove back into the Kindle.

"I'm telling you, I swear to god, any ground hogs or anything like that out there tonight better watch out because I'm going to grab the first one I see and fuck the royal hell out of it, I'm so horny", I said with a laugh. "Well, I don't know about groundhogs, but if you're that horny on your walk I have something you can do. I don't care where, but somewhere during your walk tonight I want you to stop and jerk off for at least 30 seconds. Then txt me when you're done so I know you've done as I've asked", she replied without a hint of humor in her voice.

I of course freaked out because while I don't exactly live in the middle of Broad & Pattison, it's not the middle of nowhere either. I'm telling her how this is a really bad idea and how all it takes is one neighbor or passing car to see me and next thing you know I'm in jail for public indecency or something like that. Unfortunately, she was hearing none of it. "Be creative, it's dark, it's almost 11pm, and there are plenty of little nooks and crannies to slink into", was her only reply. I could have flat out said no, but then that means the cage isn't coming off anytime soon after that and more importantly, it causes a big issue with the real life FLR we're trying to nurture and grow into. The point of an FLR is that the female is in charge, so to disobey a command just because I didn't like it and it wasn't something that really turned me on means that the FLR is nothing more then a sex game to get me off, which  is exactly what I don't want to have this become.

I tried to talk my way out of it, by attempting to reason with her and offer up other potential punishments that she might prefer (and keep the cops from picking my ass up), but she didn't budge. At the time I was pissed, it felt like she was just trying to be edgy for the sake of trying to show who was in charge, but now looking back, she wasn't *trying* to show who was in charge, she was clearly proving who was in charge. She knew I would do it and deep down I knew I would do it too, she did it to just knock me down one more peg. Much like a drill sergeant has to break down his new marine recruits before he can mold them into the soldiers he wants, Miss H was breaking down my resistance and hesitation to fully embrace the FLR with one more display of her power and control over me.

I walked around the neighborhood for almost an hour trying to find a good spot to fulfill Miss H's dirty deed for me. Each time I thought I had a good spot however the problems were always the same, street lights a little too bright, people out in front of their house, or to much activity inside a house. I could have snuck into somebody's backyard but that seemed too dangerous, last thing I need is a neighbor thinking I'm a peeping tom or a burglar. Finally I settled on a curved portion of the road that connects two sections of my neighborhood. It was wooded on both sides of the road, with the nearest houses perhaps 600 yards away in either direction. There was a street light there which made things brighter then I would have liked but if I stood at the middle of the curve I could see down both directions in case any cars were headed to me. I didn't want to head into the woods because they were really wet and swampy from the rain and small creek that flows under the road.

Eventually I walked about 5 feet onto the grass at the side of the road before the woods, looked around for any potential walkers or cars, then proceeded to get down to business. Miss H never mentioned having to take my shorts totally off so I pulled them down slightly instead and started jerking off. The first picture was kind of dark because I turned the flash off on the camera for obvious reasons.

I wasn't sure if that was going to be good enough for Miss H so I decided to take one last quick snap and then hightail it out of there.

Thankfully nobody saw anything and I managed to get back home with no one the wiser of what I had just done for my Mistress.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

New-ish pics

No super indepth posts today, just a few pictures from a week or so ago that I never got around to putting up here. Enjoy!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

My favorite drink.

Last night Miss H and I started getting into some kinky fun and somewhere along the line I half jokingly mentioned something about how I haven't had to drink any of her piss recently (ok, fine, so I was dead serious about it but still trying to act like I was just joking). She thought about it for a minute, crooked her head to the side, and then smiled. "You're absolutely right", she said with an air of mischief in her voice. "I'll be right back". She returned not long after with a small wine glass, one that she keeps in her bathroom for just such a purpose, filled with her warm, fresh pee.

I reached for the glass and was about to eagerly gulp it down when she intervened. "No, get on your knees in front of me first", she commanded. I did as I was told and soon the first sip passed my lips as I furiously stroked my little boy clit, unable to look at her as I put on this pathetic spectacle in front of her. My mind burned with humiliation and shame but my cock raged and dripped as I thought about what she must think as she watched me drink down every last drop.

Miss H refilled my cup two more times that night, each time making me repeat the same embarrassing process in front of her. Each time feeling a bit worse about it then before, as my eagerness to be her piss slave was becoming more and more blatantly obvious. I tried to act like it wasn't turning me on but it wasn't hard to see the truth. Each time I heard the bathroom door open I would practically run and dive to get down on my knees to await my special treat, jacking off like a madman in horny anticipation.

Near the end of the night she mentioned how much she enjoyed having me drink her piss, how it was so degrading and something that she might want to add to into our regular rotation, perhaps becoming a new "daily ritual", one of those small but significant things that we do on a daily basis that keeps us in the FLR zone even when vanilla life tries its best to dampen that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Friday, September 14, 2012

Craving humiliation

The other night I was reading some posts on one of the fetish/chastity message forums I frequent every now and again. The question posed was, do you feel the need the need for physical pain if you've been locked up in chastity for an extended period of time? The reasoning being that the normal rush of endorphins from sex and orgasm were missing because of the chastity so as a means to replace that, the author was seeking to get that endorphin rush in another manner, S/M play. I think there's a lot of validity to that, because in my own experience I like pain and discipline as part of our sexual play, it's not always my first choice (I prefer bondage, dressing, humiliation, etc more then actual pain) but I've definitely noticed that the longer I'm in chastity and the hornier I get, the more I seem to want a good caning or paddling at the hands of Miss H.

It's like I need the emotional charge and buildup of the pain and then the eventual release of it stopping to be able to get any sense of mental calm and put myself back into a more docile state. Otherwise I get so overcharged sexually that I'm like a maniac, unable to do anything else other then focus on my desire for sex. A few days into chastity and I'm secretly hoping Miss H will keep her cane on the shelf, yet fast forward a couple of weeks and I'm on all fours begging to be hit harder and harder.

I think my desire for humiliation and verbal abuse is very similar as well. The more I'm denied sexually, the more I need deeper and more intense forms of humiliation and degradation. Comparing day one of chastity with day 30 is like night and day.  Maybe it's that I'm so horny that it allows me to be more open and accepting of what really turns me on and be willing to actually enjoy it as opposed to being totally embarrassed and ashamed of the same things when I'm not in a horny mood.

Case in point, the other night with Miss H. She has a pair of shoes she often wears to work, they're a pair of patent leather flats that she likes because they're comfortable yet stylish enough to wear for her job. Normally I only really like the total whore, 6" platform type stripper shoes but for some reason these shoes intrigued me. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've been kind of turned on by them recently. To the point where I actually asked her to wear them to bed for me. Miss H was nice enough to humor me and wear them and they looked amazing on her. She normally doesn't dress up or "accessorize", mainly because she doesn't need to (she's super hot like that) so her wearing shoes of any type to bed instantly did it for me.

It wasn't long before I was at the bottom of the bed worshiping her shoes eagerly with my tongue. Kissing and licking every inch of the shiny, smooth material. The humiliation of licking her shoes, especially when they weren't even "sexy" footwear was getting me hard and dripping in no time. While it was wonderful and a big turn on, I needed more. More humiliation, more degradation, more abuse, so I muttered something under my breath that I had been up until that point to scared to ask.

"What was that?", Miss H snapped, unable to hear what I had said.

"Nothing", I meekly stammered. "No, tell me what you said, now", she replied as she lightly tapped my now hanging head with her foot.

"Could....could...I please lick the bottom of your shoe?", I said with a wave of utter shame crashing over me. Without skipping a beat or hesitating, she ordered me to lick the bottom of her left shoe. I was both disgusted with what I was doing and yet turned on immensely at the same time. The physical sensation wasn't anything to write home about, it just tasted like rubber, but mentally it was crushing.

"Are these the ones you wear to outside to work?", I asked, already knowing the answer. "You mean are these the shoes I wear out on the public streets, in my office, in public bathrooms, and everywhere else in town? Why yes they are", she said in a totally relaxed voice. "Now why don't you start on the bottom of my other foot".

I continued on both of her feet, moving back and forth between the two shoes, licking all over and underneath them for a while longer before Miss H finally told me to stop. As a reward for being such a good foot slave she allowed me to touch her and even put on a condom and enter her. That of course didn't last long, after just a few strokes I was already ready to cum and had to pull out. Miss H chastised me for my poor performance and told me to continue. I warned her I wouldn't be able to last much longer but she didn't care, she was either in the mood to finally get fucked hard (if only briefly) or to just have me finish so she could end things because she was bored. What ever the reason, I slammed into her as hard as I could and almost immediately I felt I was about to cum so I kept pumping away, a huge load of cum filling the condom. I groaned in ecstasy and then rolled off of her.

"Now go ahead take that condom off and drink it, you know the rules, no cumming without drinking it right back down", she mockingly said. I knew there was no use arguing so I did it like a shot, one quick hit and swallowed it as fast as possible. We then both got up and went to clean up and get ourselves ready for bed. As we laid down to go to bed I leaned over to give her a kiss like I do every night, she pulled her head back though which was a first. "Do you really think I'd let a dirty shoe licking, cum drinker kiss me? I don't want to get anywhere near that filthy mouth", she said with a scowl. It hurt to hear that but my now throbbing hard on told a different story. I was allowed to snuggle with her but my lips didn't get close for the rest of the night, Miss H made sure of that.

It was a good night.

Friday, September 7, 2012

The day our FLR became real.

In the midst of this recent streak of medical issues, things have been tough for Miss H and I. I think I can speak for her when I say both have us have felt really out of sorts since our FLR relationship has been put on various stages of hold. We'd make attempts at restarting things but whether it was an argument, a new diagnosis and set of rules from my doctor, or one of us just not being in the mood, things have been on hiatus. As I said yesterday, it wasn't a "ripping apart the fabric of our relationship" type thing but it was definitely a small crack in the dam, or at least felt like it. I'm not going to rehash things I've already talked about in past posts, but suffice to say, the FLR was one of the best things we've ever done and was working beautifully for us when it was in full effect.

About a month and a half ago during a particularly trying week, Miss H and I got into a rather heated argument because she made several passing comments about wanting me to get better so we could finally get back to the FLR. I overreacted and initially got really upset and pissy about it. Here I am worried that I could have everything from a simple UTI to a case of testicular cancer, and all she can think about was when I'd be well enough to fuck her again? I know that's not what she meant but at the time it set me off. She was upset because she thought that I thought she didn't really care about my health, which wasn't the case by any means. I was mad and scared about what was going on with my scrotum so things went in a direction that they really shouldn't have.

It took me a while but something finally clicked in my head that made me feel better then just about anything I've ever felt before.

Since I first realized I was turned on by so many things that were kinky/fetish/alternative, I've always been hyper self conscious and nervous about it. I was ashamed about what I liked and it made things very difficult in virtually all aspects of my sex life. Even when I was by myself, as soon as I would cum I would immediately feel horrible and guilty about what I had jerked off to, what I was wearing, etc I would then proceed to toss the clothes or what ever as soon as I had managed to get back into my regular "guy" clothes and get that "perverted filth" into the nearest trash can.

I guess I was super lucky in the sense that in my first real relationship, my now ex wife was very understanding initially about my fetishes. It took a long time but eventually I came out of my shell to some degree and I started to explore some new things with a slightly lesser degree of shame and self hate. Of course it ended badly and most of the negative feelings came rushing back soon after. I thought lightning must have struck twice when my next girlfriend was also very cool with my kinks. My luck didn't last though and it ended up crashing and burning just like before. Surprisingly, in both cases the kink wasn't the cause of the actual break up, but both made it clear that it didn't help and neither really enjoyed it that much in the long run.

Both of  these events made me feel even more alone and less trusting of people. At one point I even went online looking for a male Master. Not necessarily because I wanted to be with a guy sexually, but at least a random guy online was not going to bullshit around. If they say they want to meet up with a sissy transvestite then that's what they really want, unlike a girlfriend who was only saying she liked it to make you happy. There was a real sense of relief and piece of mind knowing that someone was being completely honest with what they wanted and what they wanted from me.

When I met Miss H it didn't take to long before I told her about all my kinks. I was amazed when she was not only accepting but actually kind of into them too. Shortly after that out sex life began to get more and more fetish related and experimental., eventually leading up to our FLR that has only recently been in a holding pattern. I was thrilled that Miss H seemed so open and interested in my fetishes but I could never shake the feeling that she was only into them because either she was worried I would leave her if she didn't, or she was simply doing them to make me happy. Miss H is a total pleaser and goes out of her way to make people happy (except of course when it comes to letting me cum ;) so it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine her feeling as if it was her "duty" to try to make me happy in order to strengthen our relationship as a couple.

She constantly tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case and that she really did enjoy everything we did, but no matter what I could never fully believe her. That doubt in the back of mind always made me hold back a little, to never really enjoy things as much as I could, to always put that strong facade out just in case she didn't actually like my kinks. I'd try to play down how much I liked things, that way when she would eventually get around to telling me she was only doing this for my benefit I would have an excuse to protect myself. I could play it off like it was just something that I was goofing around with, not something that was an integral part of who I am.

Then it happened.

I started to think about it. Miss H starting asking about the FLR not even a couple of days after we first started a medical break. In some form or another she asked about it or mentioned things about it many, many times since then. If she really didn't want a true FLR this would be a perfect way out. We could take a "break" and it wouldn't be her fault, she was just doing what the Dr. suggested. Then even if the Dr. eventually said it was ok to resume things, she could easily say she didn't want to because she was worried about how it might affect my health. It was the ultimate get out of jail free card for her and not only did she not take it, she did the exact opposite. She wanted to get back into it as soon as possible. It was that mental break through that made me really reevaluate everything.

I'm not going to sit her and lie and say I'm not positive she loves the kinks we engage in and that if we broke up she'd be dying to find another guy that was a sissy into diapers, bondage, humiliation, etc but it did bring about a whole new level of comfort and commitment to our FLR. Now why exactly is Miss H so into our FLR? I think the sex and the kink are obviously a big part but I think she enjoys the emotional connection we have when we're in the zone as well as it provides a way to level us out and take what was almost a lesser role in our pre-FLR vanilla relationship into a much more domineering one in the FLR (due to a few personal/family issues that I'm not going to get into here).

I'm probably just over analyzing things (and more then likely rather badly at that) but what ever the reason, I do now honestly think that Miss H is not only serious about the FLR but *actually* does it because she enjoys it and gets something out of it too, as opposed to just trying to keep me happy and that's pretty major for me.

It's a pretty great feeling.

Still up in the air.

After weeks of trying different things and multiple doctor visits, I seem to be back just where I started. What was originally prostatitis, then became diagnosed as epididymitis, which as of my most recent Dr. visit was now changed to Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome. CPPS is, according to my doctor, sort of a catch all phrase that encompasses just about any type of symptom/pain in the pelvic region that the medical community can't figure out the cause of. He said it might be caused by stress or a sports type injury I didn't realize or who knows what else. He told me basically that I probably just need to chill out, relax, and because the pain I'm experiencing isn't out of control, just basically forget about it and move on. Maybe if the pain gets worse he'll order an ultrasound.


Well, that's just unacceptable to me. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't explain the full level of our kinky sex life (chastity, tease and denial, etc) in completely graphic detail, but I mentioned enough where he got the general idea. Even if I didn't, chronic pain over weeks and months should garner more concern then essentially saying that it's all in my head and take a few ibuprofen when you need it. I'm in the process of beginning to look for a urologist in the hopes that their expertise in the matter might find a solution to the problem. Hopefully I can get a referral from my current Dr. but if not then screw it, I'll pay out of pocket if I have to.

In the mean time, Miss H and I have decided to slowly but surely return to our regular FLR lifestyle full time that seems to have taken a spot on the back burner over the past few weeks and months.  The chastity cage has returned since the beginning of the week, although a minor pain flair up yesterday at work has me taking a short hiatus (just to be on the safe side). My toes are back to being painted full time and full body shaving is now back to normal. We're trying to ease back into things, and it's already a much better mood around the house. In the past seven days or so there's been a dramatic difference in how we interact with each other both physically and emotionally. Less arguing, more intimate, and definitely more of a loving couple then a roommates kind of vibe going on.

It's not that we've been going at each others throats or being totally asexual, it's just that it was starting to feel like we weren't connecting like we had been. After enjoying the passion, excitement, and closeness of over a year in a full on FLR, this vanilla, "your average suburban couple" type thing felt very weird for both of us. It's good to be getting back into things.