Friday, September 7, 2012

The day our FLR became real.

In the midst of this recent streak of medical issues, things have been tough for Miss H and I. I think I can speak for her when I say both have us have felt really out of sorts since our FLR relationship has been put on various stages of hold. We'd make attempts at restarting things but whether it was an argument, a new diagnosis and set of rules from my doctor, or one of us just not being in the mood, things have been on hiatus. As I said yesterday, it wasn't a "ripping apart the fabric of our relationship" type thing but it was definitely a small crack in the dam, or at least felt like it. I'm not going to rehash things I've already talked about in past posts, but suffice to say, the FLR was one of the best things we've ever done and was working beautifully for us when it was in full effect.

About a month and a half ago during a particularly trying week, Miss H and I got into a rather heated argument because she made several passing comments about wanting me to get better so we could finally get back to the FLR. I overreacted and initially got really upset and pissy about it. Here I am worried that I could have everything from a simple UTI to a case of testicular cancer, and all she can think about was when I'd be well enough to fuck her again? I know that's not what she meant but at the time it set me off. She was upset because she thought that I thought she didn't really care about my health, which wasn't the case by any means. I was mad and scared about what was going on with my scrotum so things went in a direction that they really shouldn't have.

It took me a while but something finally clicked in my head that made me feel better then just about anything I've ever felt before.

Since I first realized I was turned on by so many things that were kinky/fetish/alternative, I've always been hyper self conscious and nervous about it. I was ashamed about what I liked and it made things very difficult in virtually all aspects of my sex life. Even when I was by myself, as soon as I would cum I would immediately feel horrible and guilty about what I had jerked off to, what I was wearing, etc I would then proceed to toss the clothes or what ever as soon as I had managed to get back into my regular "guy" clothes and get that "perverted filth" into the nearest trash can.

I guess I was super lucky in the sense that in my first real relationship, my now ex wife was very understanding initially about my fetishes. It took a long time but eventually I came out of my shell to some degree and I started to explore some new things with a slightly lesser degree of shame and self hate. Of course it ended badly and most of the negative feelings came rushing back soon after. I thought lightning must have struck twice when my next girlfriend was also very cool with my kinks. My luck didn't last though and it ended up crashing and burning just like before. Surprisingly, in both cases the kink wasn't the cause of the actual break up, but both made it clear that it didn't help and neither really enjoyed it that much in the long run.

Both of  these events made me feel even more alone and less trusting of people. At one point I even went online looking for a male Master. Not necessarily because I wanted to be with a guy sexually, but at least a random guy online was not going to bullshit around. If they say they want to meet up with a sissy transvestite then that's what they really want, unlike a girlfriend who was only saying she liked it to make you happy. There was a real sense of relief and piece of mind knowing that someone was being completely honest with what they wanted and what they wanted from me.

When I met Miss H it didn't take to long before I told her about all my kinks. I was amazed when she was not only accepting but actually kind of into them too. Shortly after that out sex life began to get more and more fetish related and experimental., eventually leading up to our FLR that has only recently been in a holding pattern. I was thrilled that Miss H seemed so open and interested in my fetishes but I could never shake the feeling that she was only into them because either she was worried I would leave her if she didn't, or she was simply doing them to make me happy. Miss H is a total pleaser and goes out of her way to make people happy (except of course when it comes to letting me cum ;) so it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine her feeling as if it was her "duty" to try to make me happy in order to strengthen our relationship as a couple.

She constantly tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case and that she really did enjoy everything we did, but no matter what I could never fully believe her. That doubt in the back of mind always made me hold back a little, to never really enjoy things as much as I could, to always put that strong facade out just in case she didn't actually like my kinks. I'd try to play down how much I liked things, that way when she would eventually get around to telling me she was only doing this for my benefit I would have an excuse to protect myself. I could play it off like it was just something that I was goofing around with, not something that was an integral part of who I am.

Then it happened.

I started to think about it. Miss H starting asking about the FLR not even a couple of days after we first started a medical break. In some form or another she asked about it or mentioned things about it many, many times since then. If she really didn't want a true FLR this would be a perfect way out. We could take a "break" and it wouldn't be her fault, she was just doing what the Dr. suggested. Then even if the Dr. eventually said it was ok to resume things, she could easily say she didn't want to because she was worried about how it might affect my health. It was the ultimate get out of jail free card for her and not only did she not take it, she did the exact opposite. She wanted to get back into it as soon as possible. It was that mental break through that made me really reevaluate everything.

I'm not going to sit her and lie and say I'm not positive she loves the kinks we engage in and that if we broke up she'd be dying to find another guy that was a sissy into diapers, bondage, humiliation, etc but it did bring about a whole new level of comfort and commitment to our FLR. Now why exactly is Miss H so into our FLR? I think the sex and the kink are obviously a big part but I think she enjoys the emotional connection we have when we're in the zone as well as it provides a way to level us out and take what was almost a lesser role in our pre-FLR vanilla relationship into a much more domineering one in the FLR (due to a few personal/family issues that I'm not going to get into here).

I'm probably just over analyzing things (and more then likely rather badly at that) but what ever the reason, I do now honestly think that Miss H is not only serious about the FLR but *actually* does it because she enjoys it and gets something out of it too, as opposed to just trying to keep me happy and that's pretty major for me.

It's a pretty great feeling.

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