Thursday, April 21, 2011

Reality comes knocking at the door

It's been a few days since I last posted anything. Usually that just simply means I've been to busy with any number of things like work, etc and haven't had enough free time to get a new blog post up. This time it's different. This time I've had more then enough opportunities to put pen to paper shall we say but I've hesitated. For the first time writing this blog (over 50 posts) I've felt a bit shy and awkward expressing my feelings, thoughts, etc here.

I'm not going to get into the whole background story but to make it short and sweet, the other night Miss H and I were having a few drinks when she suddenly told me out of nowhere that she hold told her best friend not only about our FLR relationship, but about all aspects of our sexual relationship (cross-dressing, BDSM, etc), as well as the links to her blog and mine.

She said the reason she did was because unlike in a "normal vanilla" relationship, she couldn't just go to her girlfriends and talk to them when she and I were having any issues because there was to much information she couldn't share. I fully understand and support her in that regard, I know it can be tough because I can be a rather kinky, crazy bitch some times ;) That being said, I did get upset (ok, more then a little upset) because the issue of dressing and my other related kinks are very personal to me and opening up about them can be very difficult and painful. Having her dump out the contents of my entire personal and sexual life to a person I had never met before was kind of the proverbial kick in the nuts that I wasn't expecting.

I wasn't mad at her per se, but the whole experience brought up a whole storm of emotions, so much in fact that I honestly didn't even know how I felt about her at the time. Was I mad? scared? turned on? feeling betrayed? resentful? I didn't, and still don't really know. It just felt like an emotional mood swing moving at hyper-speed and never fully coming to a stop on any one particular feeling. I think my biggest hangup now is that feeling of safety and anonymity that being online can provide. I can share as little or as much information with you the reader as I want. Now though, it just doesn't feel the same. Now I know that every word I write can be seen by a person I know, a person who is best friends with Miss H. A person whose wedding I'll be attending. A women who from now on won't just see me like she did, but instead as a transvestite who gets fucked in the ass by a strap-on or as the guy in a dress posting pictures of the cock cage Miss H makes me wear.

Even though it's too late to do anything about it, the cat's long out of the bag now, I still feel like every word I write has to be analyzed, double checked, and censored as to not let the world know what a freak I truly am. The freedom I once had seems a bit more constricted today, my ability to express myself though words just a little less...

1 comment:

  1. Thats a tough one.... just keep talking with MissH about how you feel> Make sure you two keep your communication open