And so it begins. Again.

What started as a "slow" few weeks of not getting kinky some how transformed into a very extended period of no kink with little if any sex at all between Miss H and myself. It wasn't really one thing in particular that caused it, just various circumstances that seemed to constantly get in the way. On going issues with my epididymitis, work projects for Miss, etc. Suddenly it was, "you know we haven't had sex at all in like a month?", and it was kind of shocking to say the least. We're not an old couple that's been married for twenty five years and burned out on any type of physical contact, far from it, Miss H is always ready for fun and my sex drive when it's running at full speed is insane.

Earlier in the week we decided that needed to change, this past Friday would be the start of our FLR again, something that I had missed and I know Miss H was dying for. We had the night to ourselves with no other obligations so we could just relax and slip back into our previous kinky lives. I stopped and got a bottle of wine on the way home to help smooth the transition and any awkwardness from our vanilla day to day life back into the female led relationship that worked so well for us in the past.

To be totally honest about things, while I was excited and definitely ready for a little kink, it wasn't the "Christmas morning, right about to open presents" type of excitement that I used to have in the past. For that I take the blame, or more specifically I blame some excessive masturbation. Miss H used to forbid me from masturbating without her permission and had me locked in a metal chastity cage. I was edged almost nightly and it kept me on a level 10 horniness level virtually around the clock. Anything even remotely sexual (writing posts for this blog, tasks for Miss H, being dressed and getting made up, etc) could take hours and it wouldn't matter because all I could focus on was sex, kink, and Miss H.

When we had to take a break from that due to my health issues I got lazy.

 Really lazy.

Initially I wasn't masturbating or wearing the cage anyway because of the epididymitis but because we were playing it safe, all kink kind of stopped. We got out of the FLR groove and a month or so later I was in the bathroom about to take a shower when I felt kind of horny. I started thinking that if I wanted to masturbate why shouldn't I? Neither of us were in a particularly kinky mood (at least outwardly) and suddenly bringing up the topic of dressing or actually doing something about it would be awkward. Besides, I had plenty of things to do that day and didn't have time for anything in depth anyway.

So I did it.

I fired up Tumblr on my phone, jerked off like crazy and came all over the place. Most importantly, I also didn't tell Miss. H. In the past, before our FLR, Miss H never gave a shit if I jerked off or not. She's not one of these people who considers it cheating so she never even gave my masturbation habits a second thought. With an FLR though, it was another story. That little act of defiance, choosing to give my self pleasure instead of Miss H making the decision of when I receive pleasure, was big.

Normally in those rare instances when I was allowed to cum, Miss H would immediately get me back in the right head space by requiring me to drink my cum from a glass and then be diapered and dressed for the rest of the night regardless of how much I protested. She knew that my sex drive instantly crashed after orgasm and that any desire to continue as her proper sissy and act accordingly would go up in smoke. By re-enforcing the proper dynamic it wouldn't take long for me to quickly get back in the swing of things and be her dotting submissive in no time at all.

Now though, by masturbating (and cumming) by myself there was no system of checks and balances in place. If I got horny or bored I would just jerk off and it was the end of it, what ever kinky thoughts and needs entered my head could be taken care of quickly and discreetly without bothering Miss H. Unfortunately the more I did it in private, the less I talked to Miss H about anything kinky, the more self conscious I got about the kinks I love. I've always been very kinky but also very shy and embarrassed about them. When Miss H and I are in FLR mode then things are right as rain. When we aren't I get all nervous and ashamed and don't have an outlet for some of stuff that really turns me on. To remedy that I masturbate, which in the long run makes things worse because I use it as a crutch rather then deal with them head on with Miss H.

I masturbate which means I don't go and tell Miss H directly I want to dress and get kinky, which leads Miss H to think I'm not into the FLR or her anymore, which leads her to step back and cool off, which makes me think she's getting sick of dealing with my kinks so I retreat to the safety of doing things by myself, and then the whole thing repeats and gets worse with every cycle until the loop is broken.

That all changed this past Friday night and I couldn't be happier. More details soon.