I generally have two types of dreams, the first is the kind where something bad is happening like I'm being chased by zombies or someone I love is dying. I get all freaked out, wake up in a panic, and still feel unpleasant because it seemed so real. The other type is where something really awesome is happening then I wake up and get all bummed because I realize it wasn't real. I bring this up only because it feels as though life right now is like the latter dream, I just hope that it's real and if it isn't, I don't wake up from this amazing feeling.
It's been almost half a year since Miss H and I began moving toward a full time female led relationship (FLR) and I don't think I've ever been happier. I've been engaged in kinky activities for years now, but only now with Miss H have things crystallized and become so clear for me. Being "kinky" isn't something that I break out to play with one Saturday night a month, but part of who I am. It is both a passion and a need for me and our recent change to FLR/chastity has done wonders to our relationship in just about every facet.
I apologize in advance if this begins to sound like some late night infomercial, extolling the miraculous benefits of a relationship heavy with kink, but in our case it couldn't be more true. Since I first started reading about BDSM, watching fetish porn, etc when I was a teenager the idea of a full time relationship where I was submissive to a dominant female has always been a huge interest. I never thought it would actually happen or if it did, it would never match the expectations of my fantasies. In fact I had pretty much pushed the idea of it ever happening so far out of the realm of possibility that when Miss H brought up the idea last year I was at a loss. I hadn't seriously thought about it for a long while, why bother wishing for something I wasn't going to have? So long that I was both hesitant and turned on at the same time.
Fast forward to today and looking back, it was one of the best things I've ever done. I can't even really put into words what it feels like. Sexually, I've been satisfied, aroused, and excited like I could only dream of. There's no more "wishing for something else while putting up with what I have." I don't mean to sound critical or angry toward women I've been with in my past, because each one has taught me something or helped me along in my kinky journey to where I am now. I like to instead think of it as Miss H is just a perfect fit and the person I was always destined to serve and be with.
Emotionally, FLR has been wonderful. Miss H and I rarely if ever fought before, but now even a little dust up is practically unheard of. Now, that's not because Miss H is the dominant and I'm the submissive, but because there is a new found level of love and respect between us. Ego's don't get in the way and we've found a real sense of peace and joy between the two of us. That doesn't mean we will never argue again, but I do think when we do, we will be much better prepared to deal with it.
The chastity aspect of our FLR has a great deal to do with that as well. I'm making a rather broad generalization here, but I think if you talk to a decent sized sample of couples that engage in chastity to some degree, most will say that having their man locked up has done wonders for their relationship. The man becomes more caring and attentive even after a relatively short period of chastity. Helping around the house, more concern for his wife's/gf's feelings, etc. I know I most definitely have, to the point where Miss H strongly prefers I don't orgasm because she detests when I go back into "selfish guy mode" after being allowed to cum.
I must confess, that initially at least a lot of the attention I pay Miss H in the first few days after being locked up is selfish in nature. I'm so horny to cum so by making her happy I hope that perhaps she'll return the favor. I've always felt sort of guilty about that, like perhaps I'm just being fake and only acting nice to get what I want. Then something interesting started happening. I started to notice that consistently, after about a week in chastity, I still wanted to please Miss H, but not simply to "kiss her ass" so I might get some sexual attention, but I wanted her happy because seeing her in a good mood generally made me happy as well. Obviously I love Miss H so I always want to make her happy, but early in chastity, there just happens to be some ulterior motives present as well ;)
The longer I'm in continuous chastity, the more it seems as though my motivation switches from a sexual one to a feeling of accomplishment. While I still love when Miss H shows me affection, I now strive for the knowledge that Ive been a good sissy slave and made my Mistress happy. The joy is in the submission, not what I personally get out of it.
Tonight I'll be cooking Mistress a healthy dinner consisting of Salmon, baked zucchini, and fried potatoes. The main thought going through my head right now is that I hope she absolutely loves it. You wouldn't believe the pleasure I get when she smiles and comments on how good the meal I've prepared for her was. I feel like I've served my purpose, to treat my Mistress like the goddess she is. I would honestly rather have her content and satisfied with the time we have together then just about anything else.
I think she understands this, especially after this past Sunday night. It was a very special day for us, you can read about it on Miss H's blog here, but later that night during a rare session of actual intercourse, Miss H told me that I was allowed to cum with a true orgasm if I so desired due to the special nature of the day. That was a big deal because I'm just over halfway through the 90 day period of chastity Miss H had imposed on me. I think I actually gasped out loud I was so shocked and excited by this. I had been dying to cum for weeks and to be suddenly given this prize while at the same time having the privilege of being inside Miss H was almost more then I could handle.
I quickly looked her in the eyes and just as I was about to accept her gracious offer with a resounding yes, I stopped. I stopped because in an instant a flood of thoughts rushed through my brain. An orgasm would be amazing after being denied for so long but the pleasure would be fleeting. I knew that soon after cumming I would probably start reverting back to my old ways. Would I still go out of my way to carefully pack her lunch each day or instead get lazy and grab the first things I could find and toss them in her bag? Would I still be as eager to give her a foot massage or would suddenly I be to "busy" to get to that when she needed one? I hoped that I wouldn't slack of that much but I couldn't be sure. Miss H deserves only the best, only my full devotion and effort. By cumming I was putting that at risk and that's why I respectfully declined her offer and didn't cum. Instead I was instructed to pull out of her, adjust my dress and stockings, and then cuddle up next to her so we could fall asleep in each others arms.
I don't regret that decision for one minute, not even as I look at the calender and see I have at least another month and a half before I'll even get the chance to cum again.
Such is the power of an FLR.