A bit of a brat.

Everybody has some personal characteristics they're not overly proud of, and I'm certainly no exception. I think my biggest problem is that I can be a bit bratty and selfish some times. When the kink is flowing in a manner and frequency I like, things are fine. It's when things aren't going exactly to *my* liking that I start to get a bit pissy. It starts with little stupid things like being argumentative and snotty with Miss H in our day to day lives. Dumb ass things like bitching about what we're watching on TV or the way she tells me do do the dishes. It's a problem because it causes unnecessary friction between the two of us and doesn't even help the situation in the least.

I think the reason I do it is that I still feel a bit uncomfortable openly discussing certain aspects of our sex life. It's not that we don't talk about things, we do, usually in very deep and meaningful ways, but sometimes when we've been running "vanilla" for a while, it can be awkward to say "hey, I'd love it if you let me dress up like a hooker and fuck me in the ass with a strap-on". The hang up is mine because Miss H has always been super awesome about our sex life and very accommodating and understanding. I'm working on it though.

Along the same lines, I know Miss H prefers when we're actively living the FLR dynamic and I'm in chastity because I'm much more attentive to her needs in just about every aspect. I prefer this as much or even more as she does. The problem, and again this is squarely on my shoulders, is that even then I still tend to occasionally lapse in my responsibilities to her. When we're actively engaged in things (dressed, horny, and she's leading with an iron fist) then she can ask me to organize her sock drawer and I'll jump at the opportunity. Yet the next day I can walk in the front door from work and if she orders me to get her a drink, I'll do it, but not with the same level of excitement, eagerness, etc.

It's a shitty thing to do, and I try to catch myself before I act like that but it still happens more then I would like. Miss H has said in the past that it's because I don't take the FLR as seriously as I should. I say that that's how we're going to live yet as soon as something comes up, it gets pushed to the back burner. It's like instead of turning the volume down a bit when something major comes up, I just turn it off then back on again when it suits me. I know this is a problem and Miss H is deeply upset about it as well. We spent a lot of time over the past week or two discussing it and we've talked about ways to fix it. The first thing we agreed upon is that FLR is exactly what works the best for our relationship and therefore needs to be a constant, not just a bedroom thing that gets us off. To make sure that happens we discussed ways to help cement Miss H's control and improve my attitude.

One of the main themes was, act like an unruly child then you'll be treated like one. If I get out of line then Miss H always has the sexual punishments like canings and extended chastity, but also more generic ones. Things like setting the parental controls on the cable box to restrict the amount of football, or any sports for that matter, that I can watch. You might think that an extra week in chastity is a worse punishment then missing a football game, but you don't know how much I like sports ;) Considering how much Miss H despises watching sports, I don't think it would take much to earn a penalty like that.

So while I can live with chastity and don't really mind the canings all that much (I'm going to regret saying that, I just know...), suddenly not having sports or having Miss H take away our almost nightly tease and denial sessions are punishments that I definitely don't want in any way, shape, or form. With Miss H taking a much more active role in "training me" to be the way she wants and just being more authoritative in general, I think a good percentage of my behavior issues will soon be a thing of the past.

She hasn't told me if she actually plans on initiating these ideas any time soon, it's already had an effect. Earlier tonight we had a very minor dust up over what we were doing for dinner. I raised my voice slightly and argued with her for a minute before heading out into the living room. It wasn't long before I felt really crappy about it and went back in to apologize. Now I didn't apologize because I was worried about the punishment, I apologized because I acted like an ass. However the thought of what she might do to teach me a lesson did cross my mind as I walked over to her. I knew she was aware of how much I wanted to watch the Oklahoma - FSU game tonight, and for a split second the image of her with a big smirk on her face while I turned on the TV only to find an "access denied" message pop up across the screen gave me a bit of a chill.

There were a few other big picture type issues we discussed in the context of our FLR relationship but that's for another post. Now, it's back to the game ;)