A real ruined orgasm?

As you may have noticed on the little ticker bar above this post, there's a timer which shows the last time I've actually been able to cum with a true orgasm. In that time I've been allowed I believe three ruined orgasms. Since Miss H and I started a full time FLR it averages out to every few weeks Miss H allows me a ruined orgasm in order to "clean out the pipes" in order to maintain prostate health. Ruined orgasms aren't nearly as enjoyable as a regular orgasm but they do provide a small, if very insignificant form of release.


For those not familiar with the concept of a ruined orgasm, it's when a male is stimulated to the point of orgasm but the stimulation is removed just before orgasm is reached. This results in a release of ejaculate without the accompanying orgasm. The feeling is more akin to having to pee then suddenly releasing it, more a sense of release then actual pleasure. Unlike with a full orgasm where cum is forcefully shot out of the penis, with a ruined orgasm I'll have the cum literally just drop out of the head of my penis with virtually no pressure. The amount of ejaculate is the same, it just comes out in a slow stream instead of a hard spray.

Miss H decided this past Friday night was time for a ruined orgasm. It had been almost a month since I've had one so I was past due and it was readily apparent. I was like a sex obsessed maniac recently, virtually attached to Miss H's hip at all times desperate for attention. Miss H knows I some times resist the ruined orgasm because it completely zaps my horniness level for a day or so and I hate losing that sexual buildup. She was being particularly mean because we had the whole weekend free and planned to play, so by milking me so early into the weekend she knew the dressing would be more of an uncomfortable embarrassment then a sexual thrill like it would be if I was in my regular horny state of mind.

She had warned me earlier in the week that any complaints would be dealt with severely so when she surprised me with the news of my impending ruined orgasm on Friday night I started to stammer some lame excuse but quickly stopped. She took me totally off guard, one minute we're sitting watching TV, the next I'm standing naked in front of the mirror in my bathroom with her hand gripped firmly around me. With just a few strokes of her lubed up hand I was ready to cum. My role in this process is to inform her when I'm about to cum so she can stop stroking.

You might think that I could just cheat and tell her to late that I was about to cum, therefore having a true orgasm and cheating. Two reasons that doesn't happen. One, I wouldn't take advantage of Miss H like that. As her slave I know my role and to take advantage of her kindness would only come back to bite me in the end. Second, with a true orgasm I would spray like a fire hose all over the place. With a month long period of near constant tease and denial, the release after that is massive and would have me shooting in an arc across the room. The difference in force between a ruined and regular orgasm is like night and day. She could clearly see the difference and would now immediately what had happened.

So, as I was saying, Miss H was working on me and I was about to cum so I let her know. Initially I thought I had told her to soon because it didn't even feel like I was going to cum after she stopped. I just sort of stood there for a second or two and then all of a sudden a huge load of cum just spilled out of me. I didn't even feel that semi-pleasurable release of the ruined orgasm. Most importantly though, I didn't really feel any change in my level of horniness which was a *huge* change from what regularly happens.

I've read tons of blogs where the sub male complains that after a ruined orgasm they're miserable because not only did they not get the pleasure of the orgasm, there were now even hornier then before. This was the exact opposite of what I've experienced. I've always had the post orgasm mental letdown without the pleasure of the accompanying orgasm. Usually after seeing the giant puddle of cum pooled on the edge of the sink I try my best to try and convince Miss H to not make me lick it up (she always does anyway). This time though the idea was not only not that bad, but it was actually kind of hot. Furthermore I never lost the erection I had before the ruined orgasm.

I think I kind of surprised Miss H when after finishing up my cum cleanup chore, I followed her into the bedroom and feverishly started touching, kissing, rubbing, and basically doing anything possible to have her show me some sexual attention. I jumped at the chance to get dressed in my sluttiest lingerie and dress, again a big departure from the usual post ruined orgasm routine. She seemed quite happy at this new direction I had taken.

I think the big difference between this time and past times is that I told her to stop right before I felt any real sense of the impending orgasm. I guess I was waiting a hair to long to have her stop in the past which was still ruining the pleasure but still allowing some type of hormone release. By cutting things back even earlier all the emotional/mental aspects were stopped but the physical release was maintained. While this is just our preliminary result, I'm excited by how thing have turned out. To keep the extreme sexual frustration and desire while still being able to keep the body healthy with proper release would be the best of both worlds. Miss H and I will have to work on things but I can't wait to see how it goes in the future. It will be interesting to see if we can get to a place where we have the least amount of stimulation/pleasure yet still have it result in a completely unsatisfying release. How evil.

I can't wait.

Evidence of my shame

Mobile blogging on my phone so I'm going to keep this short so my fingers don't fall off from all the screen tapping. Last night Miss H got into some rather edgy mental play, the kind of thing that was straddling that deliciously fine line between ultimate eroticism and crippling emotional brutality. It was an amazing journey that often times had me unsure if I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry or rip her clothes off and fuck her I was so out of my mind turned on. To have her push things to the edge, stop only long enough to keep me from falling, then push even further, had my mind spinning and cock leaking.

She refused to touch me or allow me to touch myself so I spent what must have been hours just slowly dry humping her leg rhythmically over and over again as her voice punished my mind. She eventually fell asleep, I'm not sure when, as I kept slowly pumping against her till the wee hours of the morning, being careful to not cum no matter how badly I wanted to.

I remember drifting off to sleep, one hand under her stomach the other laid delicately across her thigh as meek little grunts of pleasure escaped from my mouth. The warmth of her skin, the wetness in my panties, and the gentle sway of our bodies as this pathetic reenactment of my former pre-sissy sex life rolled on.

Risky business

If you read this blog regularly you've probably noticed that I tend to mention that I'm horny on a pretty much seemingly 24/7 basis. I don't mean to belabor the fact but when it's in the forefront of your mind all the time it tends to spill out in your writing. You write about what you know, and by now I'm an expert on not cumming when I want to. I can probably count on one hand the number of true orgasms I've had in the last year. Orgasms where I was allowed to cum where I wanted and how I wanted. No holding back, no ruined orgasms, just full release and pleasure.

There so infrequent that I almost put them out of my mind, no use obsessing about something I rarely get, especially now that Miss H seems to be allowing fewer and fewer of them. She already said I won't be cumming again this year, and a few weeks ago kind of half jokingly said that perhaps a year without being able to cum would be our next milestone. I hope she was just kidding but with her you never know. She's been *very* displeased with my post orgasm attitude recently so I'm not surprised she's having less and less of a problem extending my periods of chastity as time goes on.

Yesterday was an especially tough day for me because I was just on another level of horniness. There was no particular reason why, it on the surface was just like any other day, but I had total sex on the brain all damn day. I seemingly couldn't focus or really care about anything that wasn't sexual in nature. I wrote a new blog post, hung out on Tumblr looking at porn, goofed off on Twitter, and surfed the web for anything that I thought could quell my desires. Note to self, when your horny, looking at porn doesn't scratch that itch, it just makes it ten times worse. And no matter how many times I tell myself this time will be different, it isn't.

To make matters worse, Miss H was just bombing out the txt messages too. The second I thought I was calming down a bit, there she was stoking the fires again. She specifically told me not to put on my CB-6000 cock cage because if she wasn't overly busy at work, she wanted me available to toy with through out the day. Right before I was about to take a shower I got the first message saying I was allowed to edge myself for five minutes but not cum. Like a good girl I did what I was told, stopping exactly after those five painfully short minutes. I was desperate for more so Miss H allowed me ten more minutes to edge myself then go food shopping in the afternoon after work. If I was good and did what I was told I would then be allowed another ten minutes to edge when I returned. I of course jumped on the opportunity and was rewarded with more blissful masturbation time.

Miss H wasn't going to be home till late so I had the house to myself. I hadn't heard much from Miss H since early afternoon so I was dying to hear even the slightest little degrading or teasing txt. Anything at all from her, I was jonesing for her dirty messages. I started in on Tumblr again, each passing picture of a sissy being fucked or a dominant woman in PVC making the puddle in my panties that much bigger. That's when that first bad thought started to creep in.

"I could probably touch myself for a little while. As long as I don't cum, Miss H will never know". I could almost hear that little floating devil, like the one in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons, sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear. That's really unlike me because when Miss H lays down the law, I tend to follow it. Otherwise bad things happen, like having her lock out all my sports channels, or locking me in the CB-6000 and not paying it a bit of attention for more then a week.  So I did what I had to do. I txted Miss H for permission to put the cock cage on for my own good.

It was a weird feeling, doing exactly the opposite of what my body wanted so badly. Locking down, not playing with myself in a feeble attempt at pleasure. It was completely contradictory to what every neuron in my brain was screaming for, yet I didn't want to put myself in a position where I might end up doing something that I would regret big time later. She probably found it funny to get my txt but if so she didn't say anything. Her txt reply was simple and to the point -

"Put on the cage, sissy."

Running low.

I woke up this morning with the usual problems facing me, I was incredibly horny and couldn't do much about it. Miss H was busy getting ready for work and I had some other things I needed to take care of so taking care of my now all encompassing horniness just didn't seem like an issue that could be fixed at the current time. I'm not going into work until later today so I was debating what I could potentially do about my dilemma over the next few hours. Masturbation was obviously out, Miss H would have none of that, so I strolled over to one of my closets where I keep all my girl clothes.

I was sort of surprised to notice how small my wardrobe was actually getting. It's still two full closets full of stuff including shoes, wigs, and toys, but I couldn't help but notice how it wasn't packed and bursting at the seams like it used to be. I remember getting rid of a few things that didn't fit quite as well as they used to, and there was more than one Vinyl item that had to go because they started flaking off, but there seemed to be a lot of clothes that I used to wear all the time that were now gone. It was a slow process of elimination, to many things going out and not enough new ones coming in to replace them.

When I first started dressing the number of clothes I had was nuts, probably almost as many girl clothes as guy clothes. My ex-wife was very understanding of what turned me on and would frequently come home with things for me to wear, which I totally loved because it reinforced to me that she was actually ok with what we were doing. It's one thing to say you like seeing me dress, it's another to be actively shopping for or with me. Anyway, so the wardrobe built up rather quickly. Over time our marriage ended and I moved on to my next girlfriend who I was with for while. She to was into my kinks but not exactly to the same level. She was pretty cool with things but didn't have the same level of enthusiasm. She loved the bondage and SM parts of our relationship but the dressing was more something she didn't mind as opposed to really got her off. So while she did occasionally pick up clothes for me, my wardrobe stayed about the same. I didn't really buy a lot of clothes either because I didn't want to "force" the issue of dressing with her.

We broke up a while ago but like they say, when one door closes, another opens. Not long after we went our separate ways I met Miss H and life has never been better. I can't remember a time in my life I've ever been happier then I am now with her being with me. It was a little while before I told Miss H about my kinks and she's been absolutely amazing in every regard. There's no better feeling then knowing you're with your perfect match. The person you're meant to be with.

Miss H and I have reached a level where we're on the same page about virtually every thing kink and fetish related. So you might think that I would be buying new clothes all the time because I have such a totally supportive and loving woman in my life right now. Not quite the case though.

The first problem is me. I always worry that I'm kind of forcing the issue. Miss H is awesome with everything but I don't want her to think that dressing is more important than her. I don't want her to feel relegated to just being some sort of prop or that she's just there to watch me get turned on by dressing. I don't want to burden her with having to do something she doesn't want to just to please me. Now Miss H says that's not the case, I'm just nervous that, just like the guy who spends every waking minute in the garage working on his car, Miss H will be resentful of me being so preoccupied with other interests. 

Second, financially, much like most people, times are tight. We have a good life together and we're not living under the bridge down by the river, but blasting out $400 for a really nice corset for either of us just isn't in the cards right now. Likewise, $100 for some new white patent leather boots doesn't seem like a good idea when the cable bill is atrociously high.

So as old clothes head out to Goodwill or the trash and aren't replaced with new ones, I shed a tiny little fashion tear for my lack of clothing options. Ok, I know, 1st world problem if there ever was one, but damn it I need a new shiny black hooker dress ;)

Bondage fun

You know it's been a good night when you wake up the next morning wearing lingerie, a short club dress, and sky high white platform shoes, then look up and see this hanging from your ceiling.

It was a fun night indeed, with some whipping, spanking, and a bit of bondage thrown in for good measure.

 

I wonder what tonight has in store for us.

The weekend.

Thank god the weekend is almost here, Miss H and I have both been so busy all week that we've haven't really had any time to bust out the kink. When we have mini lulls in our activities one of two things usually ends up happening -

1) I get so focused on the non-sexual stuff that is taking up all my time that while I'm still horny, my focus tends to be more on the job at hand so to speak and I spend all my time taking care of work related projects and all the fun, or lack there of, that goes with that. I definitely want to get crazy and kinky but the sheer amount of my workload or Miss H's just makes any reasonable chance at that happening virtually nill. In a way that's actually kind of good. If I know one of us will be busy and unavailable for a period of time then nothing is going to happen so I don't get my expectations up or let my level of horniness get out of control (if I can). It's kind of like a prisoner doing a life sentence, the sooner they give up that hope up being free again and just accept their current predicament, the easier the time goes.

2) I go "junkie without a fix" crazy and all I can think about is sex.

Doesn't matter what else is going on, that's all I can focus on. I'm on Tumblr, writing blogs, begging Miss H for any type of attention, and basically just rabid for release.

Currently, I'm feeling the latter. Big time.

While we do have the next few days to engage if what ever activities Miss H decides, there are a number of potential bumps in the road. I've two separate projects for work I need to get done. One I will hopefully be able to finish tonight, another that needs to be done by Monday morning. Saturday we have some work on the house we need to get finished because we're on a bit of a deadline for that, and Sunday we have a personal gathering to attend. One that I'd rather skip, but will keep us out till at least late afternoon. So I'm hoping we can find a way to get everything done and still have time for the two of us to get things started.

Privacy vs. my exhibitionist side

There are a number of reasons I started and continue to maintain this blog. It's a creative outlet for my kinky side, I thought it would be a good way to maybe make some new friends, and it's a good compliment to Miss H's blog. The main reason I do it though, and this may sound overly selfish and vain, but I totally get off on the attention. Outside of the bedroom I'm pretty mellow and laid back, the kind of guy every girl wants as her friend. To everyone who doesn't know about my kinky side they see me as quite but caring, and sensitive. You're average run of the mill nice guy. When they find out I have all sorts of body piercings and the like, the response is almost unilaterally the same, "wow, I would have never guessed, you just don't seem the type".

In my private/sex life though it's definitely another story. I *want* to be the center of attention, I want people to notice me, to interact with me. I absolutely love getting comments on my blog, messages on Fetlife, invitations to Skype, Twitter messages, and everything else. Unlike in my day to day life, when we get kinky I can be as free and open as I want. Its a wonderful feeling to , even if only briefly, experience the joy of being free from the self imposed rules of society which keep you in check and away from what really makes you happy.

As I'm sure you're aware if you read this blog on a regular basis, Miss H and I both purposely keep our identities hidden and never post face shots or other clearly identifiable markers such as telling you exactly what type of work I actually do. The reasons should be obvious enough, and are familiar to anyone who dares venture into the public eye. The risk of being "outed" to friends and family, to have details you want hidden from certain people suddenly getting out and in the wild.

It wasn't always like that, back when I was younger, in my early 20's and married to my now ex-wife, she and I engaged in similar activities to what Miss H and I currently do. She enjoyed showing me off so she would frequently post pics of me fully dressed online. Nothing censored, full facial shots, nothing left to the imagination. I didn't really care or worry about it much because if someone I do know finds them how are they going to confront me without also implicating themselves? They just "accidentally" stumbled across a transvestite's profile on Yahoo, mistakenly clicked on the adult's only warning, then hit the wrong link to erroneously scroll through photo after photo until they realized it was me?

And what if someone copied the picture and posted it somewhere else? Well it's not like a photo of me dressed, with my cock out and a huge dildo up my ass was somehow going to end up on CNN's front page. That type of material generally stays in a certain realm of the internet, the "I need some porn to jerk off too" section so it's unlikely my grandmother is going to find it by mistake. To me, the sexual joy I get by posting my personal material more then makes up for the very small risk of somebody finding it and it being a problem.

The reason I even bring this up is because I had a weird thing happen to me yesterday. I got a friend request on Fetlife so I accepted it because after reading their profile we seemed to have a lot in common, both sissy's, both into hard bondage and humiliation, etc. After accepting it, I decided to check out this person's profile photos. I was floored when four of the pics she was claiming were her were actually pics I had posted years ago. There were probably at least 20 comments or so on each pic praising how good she looked and how hot she was (sorry, I had to say that, it's to much of an ego boost not too ;)

The funny thing was intermixed in the comments were two people who called out this person for the photos not being her. I laughed because both of these people were rightfully indigent about the fraud and claimed they knew the person in the photo and it was definitely not her. Problem was, I didn't know either of those people. So you've got some dude out their using my photos as his, then two other people upset that their "friend" had her pics stolen, not realizing that person grabbed them from me as well. I was a little annoyed at the whole thing but I guess my vanity got the best of me because I was thrilled that someone liked my pics enough to claim to be me.

When I showed Miss H she was upset. She was never a big fan of posting face shots on our blogs and I totally understand why, her job is much more prominent then mine and if it got out what we do it would be much more difficult for her to deal with. If it was simply her posting naked pics of herself and she was discovered it wouldn't be that big of deal, because it would be a blog about sex and a straight female, society considers that hot. With me involved though it becomes a bit more dicey. Most people aren't down with cross dressing, ass fucking a man, and all the other crazy shit we're into. I don't want my personal kinks to negatively affect her so I never had a big problem with her wanting to keep our personal lives personal.

Seeing those pics again did make me think, those pics had been on the internet for years, and by now spread across the web through sites like FetLife, Yahoo, Flickr, and who knows where else. Yet in all that time I've never had a single person contact me and say "I know who you are" or have a co-worker confront me about the pics they found on some porn site last night during their jerk-a-thon. I did have someone recognize me at a fetish event I went to in Philly a while back but that was perfectly fine with me. It was "safe contact" because it was in the proper location and in the proper situation. This is someone who was a fan, not a random person declaring moral outrage.

I do realize there is a risk, but there is a risk in everything you do. Is it worth it to undertake that risk just to turn me on? I don't know. I talked about it briefly with Miss H and while not thrilled about the idea, she did seem surprisingly open to discussing it more. I have no idea what I want to do or what will eventually happen over the course of this blog's life. It may remain like it is now, our faces cloaked in mystery, with just enough scant details to get the story across, or perhaps you'll see everything. It's hard to say what the future has in store. To be honest I hadn't even thought about having more revealing photos until I came across my old pics yesterday. I liked that freedom, just taking a photo and posting it, not having to worry about cropping or editing a picture so my face wasn't visible or a prominent tattoo was showing.

Thoughts?