Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Privacy vs. my exhibitionist side

There are a number of reasons I started and continue to maintain this blog. It's a creative outlet for my kinky side, I thought it would be a good way to maybe make some new friends, and it's a good compliment to Miss H's blog. The main reason I do it though, and this may sound overly selfish and vain, but I totally get off on the attention. Outside of the bedroom I'm pretty mellow and laid back, the kind of guy every girl wants as her friend. To everyone who doesn't know about my kinky side they see me as quite but caring, and sensitive. You're average run of the mill nice guy. When they find out I have all sorts of body piercings and the like, the response is almost unilaterally the same, "wow, I would have never guessed, you just don't seem the type".

In my private/sex life though it's definitely another story. I *want* to be the center of attention, I want people to notice me, to interact with me. I absolutely love getting comments on my blog, messages on Fetlife, invitations to Skype, Twitter messages, and everything else. Unlike in my day to day life, when we get kinky I can be as free and open as I want. Its a wonderful feeling to , even if only briefly, experience the joy of being free from the self imposed rules of society which keep you in check and away from what really makes you happy.

As I'm sure you're aware if you read this blog on a regular basis, Miss H and I both purposely keep our identities hidden and never post face shots or other clearly identifiable markers such as telling you exactly what type of work I actually do. The reasons should be obvious enough, and are familiar to anyone who dares venture into the public eye. The risk of being "outed" to friends and family, to have details you want hidden from certain people suddenly getting out and in the wild.

It wasn't always like that, back when I was younger, in my early 20's and married to my now ex-wife, she and I engaged in similar activities to what Miss H and I currently do. She enjoyed showing me off so she would frequently post pics of me fully dressed online. Nothing censored, full facial shots, nothing left to the imagination. I didn't really care or worry about it much because if someone I do know finds them how are they going to confront me without also implicating themselves? They just "accidentally" stumbled across a transvestite's profile on Yahoo, mistakenly clicked on the adult's only warning, then hit the wrong link to erroneously scroll through photo after photo until they realized it was me?

And what if someone copied the picture and posted it somewhere else? Well it's not like a photo of me dressed, with my cock out and a huge dildo up my ass was somehow going to end up on CNN's front page. That type of material generally stays in a certain realm of the internet, the "I need some porn to jerk off too" section so it's unlikely my grandmother is going to find it by mistake. To me, the sexual joy I get by posting my personal material more then makes up for the very small risk of somebody finding it and it being a problem.

The reason I even bring this up is because I had a weird thing happen to me yesterday. I got a friend request on Fetlife so I accepted it because after reading their profile we seemed to have a lot in common, both sissy's, both into hard bondage and humiliation, etc. After accepting it, I decided to check out this person's profile photos. I was floored when four of the pics she was claiming were her were actually pics I had posted years ago. There were probably at least 20 comments or so on each pic praising how good she looked and how hot she was (sorry, I had to say that, it's to much of an ego boost not too ;)

The funny thing was intermixed in the comments were two people who called out this person for the photos not being her. I laughed because both of these people were rightfully indigent about the fraud and claimed they knew the person in the photo and it was definitely not her. Problem was, I didn't know either of those people. So you've got some dude out their using my photos as his, then two other people upset that their "friend" had her pics stolen, not realizing that person grabbed them from me as well. I was a little annoyed at the whole thing but I guess my vanity got the best of me because I was thrilled that someone liked my pics enough to claim to be me.

When I showed Miss H she was upset. She was never a big fan of posting face shots on our blogs and I totally understand why, her job is much more prominent then mine and if it got out what we do it would be much more difficult for her to deal with. If it was simply her posting naked pics of herself and she was discovered it wouldn't be that big of deal, because it would be a blog about sex and a straight female, society considers that hot. With me involved though it becomes a bit more dicey. Most people aren't down with cross dressing, ass fucking a man, and all the other crazy shit we're into. I don't want my personal kinks to negatively affect her so I never had a big problem with her wanting to keep our personal lives personal.

Seeing those pics again did make me think, those pics had been on the internet for years, and by now spread across the web through sites like FetLife, Yahoo, Flickr, and who knows where else. Yet in all that time I've never had a single person contact me and say "I know who you are" or have a co-worker confront me about the pics they found on some porn site last night during their jerk-a-thon. I did have someone recognize me at a fetish event I went to in Philly a while back but that was perfectly fine with me. It was "safe contact" because it was in the proper location and in the proper situation. This is someone who was a fan, not a random person declaring moral outrage.

I do realize there is a risk, but there is a risk in everything you do. Is it worth it to undertake that risk just to turn me on? I don't know. I talked about it briefly with Miss H and while not thrilled about the idea, she did seem surprisingly open to discussing it more. I have no idea what I want to do or what will eventually happen over the course of this blog's life. It may remain like it is now, our faces cloaked in mystery, with just enough scant details to get the story across, or perhaps you'll see everything. It's hard to say what the future has in store. To be honest I hadn't even thought about having more revealing photos until I came across my old pics yesterday. I liked that freedom, just taking a photo and posting it, not having to worry about cropping or editing a picture so my face wasn't visible or a prominent tattoo was showing.


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