The joys of being a diaper sissy.

I find it incredibly interesting to check my Blogger stats to see where my visitors are coming from. The largest amount are from google searches, my Tumblr, and Miss H's blog. The search terms used are usually 95% some combination of "diaper, sissy, butt plug, diapered, or whore" which is interesting because it means a lot more people are interested in that sort of thing then I imagined. I'm sure that a number of those people are searching those terms because they like the freak show aspect of it and are only viewing the pics to make fun of and be mean to people (which in a weird way turns me on) or because they actively find it very erotic and hot (which *really* turns me on).

I noticed that one of my top referring URL's the other day was a Yahoo search for "diaper sissys". I was on the second page of results for those particular search terms, behind a number of eBay listings for sissy clothes and accessories (which reminds me, Miss H, I have a bunch of new things on my Christmas wish list ;) Anyway, while perusing and checking out the other listings I stumbled across a rather interesting website called Diaperedsissy.com

DISCLAIMER: I have absolutely no affiliation with that site. I'm not a member, don't get any financial gain from linking to it, and have no idea who runs it. I'm not even suggesting you pay to join, I mention it because I found the photos in the free preview kind of hot and I really enjoyed reading the rather long intro/story that goes along with them on the second page of the site.

So I emailed the link to Miss H yesterday afternoon so she could check it out. We were pretty busy last night so it wasn't until much later that I had an opportunity to talk to her about it. I hadn't heard back from her during the day so I as we were getting ready for bed I asked if she had seen the website. She briefly mentioned that she had then with a look on her face like she just found a dead mouse under the sofa, said "isn't that just adult baby stuff?". I suddenly felt kind of embarrassed and awkward, because normally our kinks are in lock step so it was strange to have her seem surprised by something.

I have no problem with adult baby stuff, it's just not my exact cup of tea. I realize that some of the things I like also are quite popular with ABDL fans but my motivation is slightly different. I'm not looking to become a baby again, happy in the safety and tranquility of a play pen while a "nanny" gently takes care of me. I want the exact opposite, a cruel Mistress to brutally control and humiliate me by transforming me from a man into a helpless little bitch forced to endure the crushing embarrassment of being made to wear sissy clothes and trapped in a thick diaper, my most basic of human functions controlled by someone else. My ultimate goal is abject humiliation and degradation, and "diaper sissy" training is just one (very huge) aspect of it. Diapers, sissy attire, and the like are just tools to help achieve that goal.

There are plenty of things about the intro on that site that I find distasteful such as all the shit play going on. Not my thing at all, neither is eating pureed baby food all the time. However being forced to eat like that through a tube is kind of hot, and being kept like a helpless sissy in bondage and diapers all day is just plain awesome. The loss of control, the humiliation, the submission to someone else, the chastity, the tease and denial, the fetish aspects, it has it all. I would have jerked off to it numerous times by now if Miss H hadn't had me locked up tight in my CB-6000 cage.

I had a lot more I wanted to write but I just received an interesting txt from Miss H that requires my attention. More later.

A contrast.

This is what I was looking at this morning.

This is what I'm looking at now.

Wonder what I'll be looking at tonight...

Mind fuck.

Last night Miss H and I were in the mood for a movie. Nothing overly in depth or intelligent, just a vapid bit of mindless fun to relax after a long week for both of us. We finally settled on Predators (don't ask) which as you might imagine was not an oscar contender by any means.


About half way through we started losing interest in the movie and began showing more interest in each other. What started as some gentle leg rubbing soon progressed into her slowly and methodically jerking me off. "Get up, strip, get a rubber glove, and meet me in your bathroom", she whispered in my ear as she rose from the bed. This is how she milks me so when I heard this I was a bit surprised. Miss H had told me that I would be milked Sunday night, she hadn't said anything about last night so I was almost a little dissapointed. I love being in that extreme state of horniness that being in extended chastity brings about, so when I'm allowed release (even though I don't orgasm) I still kind of mentally break out of the sub zone for a little while and it sort of "resets" my horniness to a lesser degree.

I mumbled something about please don't let me cum but Miss H was having none of it. I stood in front of the sink totally naked as Miss H put on the glove, lubed it up, and then began to forcefully and quickly stroke me. I literally lasted about five seconds before I could feel myself getting ready to cum. "I'm going to cum", I grunted as she immediately removed her hand, just in time to prevent me from actually orgasming. Instead it was ruined, a thick load of cum just gently spilling out and forming a huge puddle on the sink. No pleasure, just a slow draining of Miss H's cock. She waited for the leaking to stop before once again taking hold of me and rubbing once more. Within a about three strokes I felt that urge again. "cum", was all I could get out as she stopped, leaving me to dribble out even more milky cum. Another potential orgasm ruined. No pleasure for me.



I was a little bummed at this point. Miss H pulled off her glove, threw it in the sink and walked off. "Just be happy I'm not making you lick it all up. This time.", she said as she headed back into the bedroom, the sounds of the movie filling the room as I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. I wasn't really horny at all anymore and was annoyed that I had been expecting to enjoy the next few days before my milking on Sunday night. Miss H was well aware of this and took full advantage of it.

When I walked back into the bedroom she seemed engrossed in the movie and didn't pay much attention to me. Without looking away from from the screen she calmly spoke again, "get dressed, your outfit is on the bed and don't forget the short pink wig over there". I cringed because there's something about wearing wigs that gets to me sometimes. When I'm crazy horny, there's nothing that I don't want to do or try, the kinkier and more humiliating the better. Of course on the flip side, when I'm not all that horny, like I was at that particular point, wearing the wig just kind of makes me feel stupid. I feel like a guy in women's clothes who just looks silly, like that funny gag in every sitcom where the big manly guy puts on a dress and every gets a good laugh over it.




I made some half hearted attempts to get out of it, but the evil twinkle in Miss H's eyes told me that wasn't going to happen. I asked her to at least turn off the light in the room. That was refused as well. I didn't want to make her mad so I begrudgingly did as I was told. 6" black patent platforms, black fishnet stockings, pink sequin dress, pink pvc bustier, and short, bright pink wig. I quickly got dressed as Miss H watched every movement intently. I was so embarrassed and not even slightly in the mood for this anymore. I couldn't even look her in the face, I just got dressed and rolled into bed next to her, my eyes averted downward.

After about 30 minutes or so I started to kind of get back in the mood as Miss H's hand slowly circled my abdomen, getting closer and closer, but never actually touching her property between my legs. It wasn't long before I was back and begging her to touch me and being bold, even asking to be allowed to be inside of her. She just laughed at those suggestions but did allow me to dry hump her ass for a short while as we prepared for bed.

I thanked her for allowing me to dress again and she just smiled. "do you know why I made you dress when I knew you didn't want to?" she asked. "It's for two reasons, number one because you need to know your place in our relationship. This is what you are, and you need to accept it. Second, and most importantly, I did it because it's easy to make you do something you want to do, but when you do something you despise just because I told you to, well that's control."

" I control you".

Immersion Therapy

I love Tumblr. That's about all I can say. I'm on there like a junkie, constantly looking to see whats been posted recently and to post things on my own Tumblr. Miss H knows this so after locking down all the sports channels on our TV's recently I figured it wouldn't be long till Tumblr would be in peril. I figured that as long as I was good then I wouldn't have to worry about it for a little while at least. She's half jokingly threatened to take it away before but until recently I never actually thought she would.

She mentioned the other night that she was a bit dissapointed that so much of the material I was looking at on Tumblr dealt with female submission and was generally quite extreme. Now before you get the wrong idea, Miss H is very open and cool with porn, her issue was not that I was looking at porn, but that I was looking at the *wrong* kind of porn. As a submissive sissy, looking at fem sub porn was only reinforcing the stereotype that men are in control. She not so subtly hinted that my viewing choices would need to change soon. Themes like femdom, cuckold, chastity, transvestite, and just plain old gay male porn should actually be what I'm viewing. These would be much more beneficial in helping to promote the right attitude to accompany my new position in our relationship.

Miss H described it as a type of immersion therapy, a way to guide me into fully embracing the sissy lifestyle and molding my thinking into the proper frame of mind. A sort of Clockwork Orange type situation where instead of losing an interest in violence, I would be gaining a new level of respect and devotion for what's really important, becoming the best little sissy whore I can be.




Even if I didn't want to take part in it, I don't really have that much say in the matter anymore. She has my Tumblr username/password so she could just delete it if I complain to much. I suppose I could sneak off and make a new Tumblr she wouldn't know about, but I detest doing things behind her back and besides, if she found out there would be hell to pay. She knows I won't quit Tumblr either, between looking at pics on my laptop and using the Tumblr app on my phone, that's just not going to happen. I'm not going to cut off my nose to spite my face.

As of this morning, I had 940 Tumblr blogs I follow (see, I told you I was addicted). Miss H ordered me to delete two random male dom/fem sub pages that I follow and replace one with a gay blog of my choosing. I made the changes a little while ago.



And this is the new one I added -

I chose one that's pretty heavy on the leather/bondage/fetish so it will at least have some interesting pics to check out if nothing else. While I much prefer looking at a hot chick in PVC then a dude with his cock hanging out, I guess it's a small price to pay in order to keep my Tumblr going.

The shoes.

Around our house I do most of the chores, taking care of the yard, doing laundry, taking care of the dishes, etc. This works out pretty well for both of us, Miss H is very busy and I don't really mind doing them so that's just the sort of pattern we've kind of fallen into. While tidying up in the bedroom the other day Miss H noticed me putting away a pair of stockings with attached garter belt. She commented about how it looked like they needed to get washed and I agreed. I told her that I would toss them in with the other laundry later when I was washing my boring old "boy" clothes for work. She stared at me with a look of shock in her eyes and I thought her head was about to explode.

"You don't hand wash those?", she asked in amazement. "No", I replied, now feeling a bit stupid. I explained how I toss them all into the washer on the gentle setting then into the dryer on low. I've never had a problem before but Miss H then went on to describe how from now on I needed to hand wash them using something delicate like Woolite then let them air dry on a rack that she has for just such a purpose. "Go grab all your delicates and you can do a big wash this weekend", she announced. I was a little bummed because Miss H was allowing me to dress that night and I absolutely *love* wearing lingerie or at least stockings with my outfits but I wouldn't be able to that particular night.

I found a nice stretchy dark pink dress to wear and was trying to figure out which shoes to wear with it when my eyes caught one of my favorite pairs of shoes. A pair that I loved but couldn't wear that often because they looked better with bare legs then with stockings.

Nice.

I quickly pulled them out and started buckling them up. They take a little extra time to get into but I think you'll agree, they're well worth the wait.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a lot of laundry to do...

Punishment comes quickly.

In my last post I discussed the conversation Miss H and I had about find new potential punishments when I get out of line. It seems as though they've already started to go into effect. A little back story first, however. The following night after our talk Miss H was doing a few things in the other room while I laid in bed watching a baseball game. It wasn't all that late, maybe 9 or so at the latest, when I just flat out fell asleep. I didn't do it on purpose, just drifted off to sleep without even really thinking about it. I don't remember much that happened after that except for at some point in the night, I have no idea what time, Miss H came to bed and I woke up momentarily when I heard her.

She was perhaps mildly annoyed by my early night but didn't seem overly pissed at the situation. We exchanged a short "love you, good night", and I slunk back to joyful sleep. Unbeknownst to me, Miss H was now quite upset. The next morning I curled up around her beautiful body, trying my best to subtly prod her awake and possibly try to sneak in a little play time before work. The cold tone in her voice let me immediately know that her intentions were far from anything sexual. I don't remember the exact words she used but the general gist was that it was funny how I had the energy to try and obtain some sexual satisfaction this morning yet last night I was to tired to even make the effort to kiss her goodnight when she tried to say goodnight to me.

I was worried that she was really upset but before I could offer up any sort of excuse her voice mellowed and seemed to go back to normal. We briefly talked about a few of the more mundane things we needed to do that day then it was time for me to get up, shower, and head out. We kissed good bye when I was done and everything seemed right in the world. She wasn't pissed, I wasn't in trouble, and the sun was shining outside. It was going to be a good day.

The day itself was uneventful, just long and kind of boring. I get home from work before Miss H does so I plopped myself on the couch and grabbed a quick snack, hoping to catch a little NFL Live or PTI before she arrived home and we ate dinner. I turned on the TV and was met not by the warm, happy feeling of watching ESPN, but by a cold, blue, onscreen box asking for a PIN # in order to access this channel.


Shit.

I checked ESPN2. Same thing. Comcast Sports Network? Ditto. I zipped through all of my favorite networks only to find each of them locked down and me unable to access them. The new flat screen HD TV in our bedroom was in the same sorry shape. I was hoping she may have forgotten about certain channels (the HD vs. the regular non HD one) or not known about others that were hidden up in the higher numbers. No such luck. Everything was gone, and I mean everything. NFL network, MLB network, even the god damn Big 10 network was gone.


I txted her about it, trying to play it cool and keeping it light hearted. She was rather non nonchalant about the whole thing and she walked in so after. She didn't seem mad, if anything, the exact opposite. She was smiling ear to ear as I asked her about the TV lock down. "Don't worry", she smiled, "I won't stop you from watching your precious little sports. You just now have to ask me first so I can enter the PIN for you. As long as you're being good then you can probably watch some sports when ever you want. Just don't make me angry again or next time I might change my mind".

So for the past few days every time I want to watch something I have to go up to her and politely ask permission to watch a game. So far I've been good, now I just have to keep it up, or sneak a TV out to the shed ;)

To be honest, as much as I hate the idea of potentially missing certain games because Miss H might not let me watch them, I do totally get off on the new level of power she wields. Anything that makes me feel more submissive is a good thing, and in its own weird way, this really gets me off. One more thing I lose control off, becoming that much more submissive to my Mistress. One more way that we move closer to a true FLR relationship and away from "just some kinky fun in the bedroom".

I both like and fear how Miss H can be so icy and calculating. She doesn't need to throw a giant fit when something doesn't please her. She simply takes corrective action in a decisive, calm, overwhelming manner, leaving no question as to how she expects things to be.

A bit of a brat.

Everybody has some personal characteristics they're not overly proud of, and I'm certainly no exception. I think my biggest problem is that I can be a bit bratty and selfish some times. When the kink is flowing in a manner and frequency I like, things are fine. It's when things aren't going exactly to *my* liking that I start to get a bit pissy. It starts with little stupid things like being argumentative and snotty with Miss H in our day to day lives. Dumb ass things like bitching about what we're watching on TV or the way she tells me do do the dishes. It's a problem because it causes unnecessary friction between the two of us and doesn't even help the situation in the least.

I think the reason I do it is that I still feel a bit uncomfortable openly discussing certain aspects of our sex life. It's not that we don't talk about things, we do, usually in very deep and meaningful ways, but sometimes when we've been running "vanilla" for a while, it can be awkward to say "hey, I'd love it if you let me dress up like a hooker and fuck me in the ass with a strap-on". The hang up is mine because Miss H has always been super awesome about our sex life and very accommodating and understanding. I'm working on it though.

Along the same lines, I know Miss H prefers when we're actively living the FLR dynamic and I'm in chastity because I'm much more attentive to her needs in just about every aspect. I prefer this as much or even more as she does. The problem, and again this is squarely on my shoulders, is that even then I still tend to occasionally lapse in my responsibilities to her. When we're actively engaged in things (dressed, horny, and she's leading with an iron fist) then she can ask me to organize her sock drawer and I'll jump at the opportunity. Yet the next day I can walk in the front door from work and if she orders me to get her a drink, I'll do it, but not with the same level of excitement, eagerness, etc.

It's a shitty thing to do, and I try to catch myself before I act like that but it still happens more then I would like. Miss H has said in the past that it's because I don't take the FLR as seriously as I should. I say that that's how we're going to live yet as soon as something comes up, it gets pushed to the back burner. It's like instead of turning the volume down a bit when something major comes up, I just turn it off then back on again when it suits me. I know this is a problem and Miss H is deeply upset about it as well. We spent a lot of time over the past week or two discussing it and we've talked about ways to fix it. The first thing we agreed upon is that FLR is exactly what works the best for our relationship and therefore needs to be a constant, not just a bedroom thing that gets us off. To make sure that happens we discussed ways to help cement Miss H's control and improve my attitude.

One of the main themes was, act like an unruly child then you'll be treated like one. If I get out of line then Miss H always has the sexual punishments like canings and extended chastity, but also more generic ones. Things like setting the parental controls on the cable box to restrict the amount of football, or any sports for that matter, that I can watch. You might think that an extra week in chastity is a worse punishment then missing a football game, but you don't know how much I like sports ;) Considering how much Miss H despises watching sports, I don't think it would take much to earn a penalty like that.

So while I can live with chastity and don't really mind the canings all that much (I'm going to regret saying that, I just know...), suddenly not having sports or having Miss H take away our almost nightly tease and denial sessions are punishments that I definitely don't want in any way, shape, or form. With Miss H taking a much more active role in "training me" to be the way she wants and just being more authoritative in general, I think a good percentage of my behavior issues will soon be a thing of the past.

She hasn't told me if she actually plans on initiating these ideas any time soon, it's already had an effect. Earlier tonight we had a very minor dust up over what we were doing for dinner. I raised my voice slightly and argued with her for a minute before heading out into the living room. It wasn't long before I felt really crappy about it and went back in to apologize. Now I didn't apologize because I was worried about the punishment, I apologized because I acted like an ass. However the thought of what she might do to teach me a lesson did cross my mind as I walked over to her. I knew she was aware of how much I wanted to watch the Oklahoma - FSU game tonight, and for a split second the image of her with a big smirk on her face while I turned on the TV only to find an "access denied" message pop up across the screen gave me a bit of a chill.

There were a few other big picture type issues we discussed in the context of our FLR relationship but that's for another post. Now, it's back to the game ;)