Random post

Ok, this isn't going to be exactly what you might consider an enlightening post or one that deals with any serious issues. Instead it deals with an itch. Or more precisely an itch from a place I can't scratch because it's caged up in a chastity device. That's not some vague reference to being horny, I literally have an itch that I can't scratch.

Surprisingly this is the first time that's happened, in roughly a year of using the CB-6000. I'm trying to rearrange things, rub things, anything to get the itch to stop but nothing is working. A pretty ridiculous topic for a blog post, I know, but these are the things that you don't think about until they happen to you.

I'm going in with a Q-tip....

What it feels like for a woman

As a man, the idea of having trouble achieving orgasm is such a strange concept to comprehend. I mean hand goes on penis, rub vigorously for a few minutes, and bam, instant cum fest. For woman it seems like having an orgasm is like trying to solve some great intergalactic mystery. It all seems so complicated, there are books, self help guides, tutorials, advice columns, and more all geared toward teaching woman how to cum. I feel bad for you ladies, I really do. For men having an orgasm is about as easy as breathing. Now I understand that guys have issues too, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, etc but for your average run of the mill male, the only thing standing in the way of them having an orgasm is either lack of a partner or a broken hand. I was thinking a lot about that subject this morning after experiencing a bit of unique insight into the matter last night.

Miss H and I frequently engage in anal play, both giving and recieving, in many forms, tongues, fingers, toys, and cock (although that's rare now with me being locked up). I've written in the past about how since we've really started engaging in chastity and tease & denial, I've been able to orgasm from anal stimulation alone. It's not nearly as powerful as by penile stimulation, but I do ejaculate and have a sort of "mini orgasm" in the process. It doesn't happen every time but it's been happening more often recently, I'd say probably four of the last five times Miss H has used the strap-on on me. When I sit on top of her and arch my back in a certain way I can usually cum every time. It's not something I've been actively striving to achieve, more of a pleasent surprise when it does happen.

Last night I was in my usual hyper sexed up state of mind. Dressed, horny, and attached to Miss H's hip like a conjoined twin. She had been hinting all day about fucking my ass with our big, 9" black dildo, and I was anxious to feel its huge girth and length spread me open. When the time mercifully came to be fucked she first ordered me to put my CB-6000 back on, which I had mixed feelings about. On the one hand the idea of being locked up and only able to receive pleasure by having my little ass fucked was a huge turn on, but at the same time I knew I would miss the feel of Miss H's hand as she stroked me. There wasn't much I could do either way so I quickly went out to retrieve it and put it on.

When I came back I was surprised to see Miss H just standing there without the strap-on harness on. I had been expecting to see her with a large rubber cock sticking out from her but instead I was met with a half smile and a hand pointing to the dildo on the night stand. "If you want to cum tonight, the only way that's going to happen is with you fucking your ass with that", she said. Not wanting to upset her I moved over to the bed, took a condom from the nightstand and rolled it down the length of that veiny cock. To get an idea of just how big the dildo is, here's a picture of  it next to a medium sized butt plug for comparison.

Once I had finished lubing up both myself and the dildo I laid down on my back, spread my legs and placed the giant mushroom head of the fat cock against my hole. Slowly I worked it in, breathing slowly and steadily as I pushed inch after inch of it inside me. When I felt the rubbery balls against my ass I knew my ass was now totally full of dick. Miss H moved over and gently grabbed my ankles, pulling them up in the air and further apart so she could get a birds eye view of the show I was putting on in front of her. "That's it sissy, fuck your little pussy. Bet you wish it was the real thing, huh?", she said with a laugh. I was barely able to get out a meek "Yes, Mistress", as I furiously fucked myself, pulling the dildo out before slamming it back in again as fast as I possibly could. 

It didn't take long before I could feel the familiar tingle near the base of my penis, the feeling I get when I'm going to cum from Miss H's strap-on fucking. I thought I was going to cum so I tried going even faster which only intensified the feelings. I was right there but never quite got over the edge to cumming. I stopped for a second to catch my breath and give my hand a break before picking up again.  Once more it wasn't long before I thought I was going to cum again. I was so close and was sure this time I would cum only to be right at the tipping point but never able to go past. I was starting to get frustrated, yes it felt really good, but a milking would feel even better and I was so tantalizingly close to having one yet it just wasn't happening. If a ten was cumming, I was at a 9.99 and it was driving me crazy. 

Miss H must have noticed how sexually frustrated and desperate I was because she took pity on me by unlocking my cage and softly stroking me as I continued to pound myself with that big cock. I don't think it took more then a few strokes of her hand before I obediently told her I was about to cum. She instantly pulled her hand off and I was treated to a miserably inadequate ruined orgasm. No real pleasure and just a stomach full of cum that just seemed to fall out of me. I was grateful for the ruined orgasm but really wanted to cum with just the dildo. I wanted to feel the buildup and release due to that cock in my ass, and that wasn't happening. To be so close and not being able to finish was just maddening and ended up leaving me hornier then I had been before. 

Maybe I couldn't cum because I didn't have the right angle, or because I was for some weird reason self conscious in front of Miss H. Maybe I was just putting to much pressure on myself to cum instead of just sitting back and enjoying the experience. All those reasons that women deal with all the time. Maybe if I just relaxed more, maybe this or maybe that. Maybe.

In the past, Miss H has made me do things in order to gain a perspective what real females go through on a daily basis, wearing a tampon to get a glimpse of what having a period is like, worrying that I was to fat because a dress was to tight, etc but this experience with not being able to orgasm was a real eye opener. The frustration so many women go through, the feelings of "what's wrong with me", the inability to enjoy sex as much as they could, are taken for granted by a lot of people. It's a lesson I'll definitely keep in mind for the future, for as much as I love to cum, I love to make Miss H happy just as much or more.

Communication, or lack thereof

As you may have read in Miss H's latest blog entry, we had a bit of an issue this past week. You can read the whole thing over there, but to recap, we basically had a miscommunication, I panicked that she wasn't happy with our kinky sex life and she  felt like I went into a cocoon and became very distant because of it. It was a dumb thing to get so worked up about but we both did. For almost a week, and it wasn't fun. We both danced around the topic and acted like nothing was wrong, even though it was hanging out there like the elephant in the room.

We finally talked it out and thankfully things seem to be back to normal. Once we both opened up about what was bothering us we were able to discuss it like adults and work through each others neuroses. Fears were calmed, incorrect assumptions fixed, and feelings soothed. What had been a very awkward and strange week was no more and a general level of comfort and happiness soon followed. It's incredible how much better life is when things just "feel right" again.

To celebrate, Miss H ordered me into my favorite silver dress, white lingerie, and platform heels. We didn't really get into anything majorly kinky, just hung out together, cuddled, and watched some TV before settling back in the bedroom and snuggling under the covers. Miss H paid little attention to my sexual needs other then allowing me to rub her cock against her leg as I begged for release. When her needs were met I was dispatched to my side of the bed. "I'm done with you now, take your tiny little sissy clit over there and leave me alone. I'm going to bed you worthless cock sucker", she said in the most matter of fact tone. I was upset because I was still so painfully horny and desperate for relief but the forcefulness in her voice made it clear that whining for more attention would be useless. She was done for the night and unfortunately that meant so was I.

In the morning when I woke up I was still dressed and still extremely horny. I cuddle up and spooned Miss H from behind, hoping that she would awaken and possibly allow me some relief. She mumbled slightly and put her hand on my arm. Then shortly after she grinded against me with her ass, her unofficial signal that I was allowed to dry hump her ass. I wanted more but by that point I was so horny that I wasn't going to turn down anything so I quickly began rubbing against her. She fell back asleep soon afterwards but I continued on, edging myself over and over again, stifling my groans as I came close to cumming countless times.

For the next two and a half hours this process repeated itself. Miss H would make up slightly, I would roll over and cuddle up with her then if allowed I would dry hump her as she fell back asleep. Each time becoming more and more frustrated as I kept getting increasingly excited yet never getting the attention I wanted so badly. I could have gotten up and taken a shower and gone on with my day at any time yet I didn't, fearful that I would miss my opportunity to have Miss H possibly touch me or even something more. When she did get up she spent a good twenty minutes holding me in her arms and whispering the most horrible things in my ear. Humiliating, degrading, things that hurt me emotionally as much as her cane hurts me physically. I didn't want to admit to her how much they were turning me on though, I was to embarrassed and ashamed.

She knew though, the huge puddle of pre-cum I had leaked across the sheets were evidence enough of that.

Missing in action.

Flexing her muscle pt. 2

Picking up where I left off with yesterday's post, Miss H txted me the following -

"We've gotten far, far away from the rules established in The Principles. I'm pissed about it. So, for the next two days you must ask for permission to use the bathroom. And, I want you to pick one gay or transvestite story you like, send me the link, and tell me why you like it. You have until noon today."

The story part wasn't hard, I have tons of stories both saved and bookmarked on my computer because I love, repeat, love, when Miss H talks dirty to me or reads me stories. I quickly picked out a short one because I knew she was at work and emailed her the link and why I liked it. If you're interested, the story can be found here. The next part of her assignment was bathroom control. To be honest, at first I didn't know how much of a punishment this was because anything that involves Miss H taking further control over me turns me on immensely.

The first day things went off without a hitch. Every time I needed to use the bathroom I would have to txt her and she would soon reply back with a yes. At one point she made me wait ten minutes before using the bathroom but that wasn't a big deal. The only issues I had were of my own doing, I would wait until almost the last minute before remembering I needed to have her permission so even though she was quick to reply, it got tough because I had waited to long to ask. At one point it occurred me that what was I going to do if she didn't reply in time. What if she had a meeting or just didn't check her phone? I txted once more with that now very concerning problem weighing heavily on my mind.

Her reply was simple and to the point -

"Well, you'll either have to disobey a direct order from me or you'll just piss your pants."

With thoughts of her previous punishments floating around in my head, I knew that doing anything without her permission was not really an option I wanted to explore again. The latter option wasn't to appealing either. I love being humiliated by Miss H but that's usually in the confines of the privacy of our home or at least doing so somewhat anonymously in public. Peeing myself in front of co-workers was a bit of a different story. Initially I thought that was just Miss H talking tough. She might be a ball buster sometimes, but she's sane enough to realize that our kink life may cause some significant "real life" issues if done without thinking. For example pissing myself in the middle of a meeting.

Then again, with Miss H you never know. I often times, incorrectly, think Miss H is scared to push things to far. That she just does certain things for my benefit. It's those times, when I let my guard down that she seems to slam me with something so far beyond what I expect. She wouldn't order me to stand in front of my coworkers and piss, but not replying to my txt and having me suffer, and wait, and eventually figure out some way to follow her order yet not lose my job in the process is exactly the kind of thing I can see her doing. The mind fuck is her specialty.

I was thinking about that the next morning while I was showering and getting ready for work. I thought about possibly wearing a diaper to work hidden under my clothes. That way I could still follow her orders of getting her permission, but in case she chose not to reply I was safe because when I couldn't hold it anymore I would at least be protected from any embarrassment. I ended up not going with the diaper because Miss H would probably have looked at that as cheating and then just given me a more difficult assignment as punishment. Plus, I wanted to be discrete so if I didn't wear the usual diaper routine (multiple diapers with plastic panties) in order to not draw attention to myself, the lower level of protection might leak and cause embarrassment anyway.

My solution?

I brought an extra pair of pants, another pair of panties, and a large bath towel with me in my bag. I figured in the worst case scenario I could either duck out out into the smaller, less frequented bathroom or escape to my car when I got to that point of no return if Miss H didn't reply. There I would wait until I lost control and peed, thus not disobeying her and yet at the same preventing what would be a humiliating experience in the most unsatisfying way. I could then change, return to work, and carry on like nothing had happened. No one would be the wiser that a grown ass man in panties and a cock cage just pissed himself because his Mistress didn't give him permission to use a bathroom like a normal male.

This is what my life has now become.

And I couldn't be happier.

Flexing her muscle

While it was far from a fight, Miss H and I had a bit of a minor dust up the other day. It wasn't so much we were arguing, it was more of a general kind of disconnect about some miscommunications we've had recently. We've both, in our own way, tried to being considerate and caring about the other person but these goodwill gestures are coming across much differently then intended. For example, we were out to eat and I was going up to get us both some dessert, and I thought it would be nice if Miss could just sit back and relax while I did the grunt work. I told her to sit back and I'll take care of things. Apparently my tone of voice or attitude wasn't what it should be so she took that as me telling her what to do, sit there and wait for my return. In hindsight it was pretty stupid, both us got upset in what ever insignificant way we did, and while no harsh words were exchanged, it was obvious that it bothered both of us.

I don't mean to sound as if I'm placing the blame on Miss H, because there are far more examples of me acting up and reacting to things she said in an inappropriate manner, but that was the first example that came to mind. Overall the past few days were just a result of a lot of stress and stupid things cropping up then anything else. It also didn't help matters that Miss H was sick for a few days and I was my usual horny self. Miss H and I rarely if ever fight so minor little things like us being a bit snarky with each other become overly obvious.

Miss H txted me basically saying that we had hit a small patch were neither of us was doing what they should in terms of our FLR relationship. When "real life" interferes we often put things on a temporary holding pattern, and this unfortunately, is when we always seem to have these little squabbles. Miss H usually rights the ship with a quick dose of authority and take charge attitude which magically does wonders for both of us. I think it gives her a level of control and stability she needs and it provides me with the discipline and structure that I crave so badly.  It's not just that we start getting kinky again, it's the, for a lack of a better description, the mood that surrounds us when Miss H is her normal dominant self that seems to fix what ever problems we may be going through. A simple, stern command, or unwelcome punishment does more for me to get us back in the proper frame of mind then if she were to put on a sexy outfit and try to "makeup".

It's hard to explain, it just feels like everything is in balance when she's in charge. I know what she wants and there's a real freedom in not having to make certain decisions, to just follow her rules and do what I know she truly wants. There's a huge yin-yang type component to our relationship. We compliment each others needs both mentally, emotionally, and sexually when we're following the FLR principles that we've established. When that balance is upset, that's when things start to slowly fray around the edges. Two days ago Miss H reined things in once again, and once again I can already feel the improvement between us. Things just "flow" better. No miscommunications, no hurt feelings, no tension at all. Just two people who love each other. It's crazy how a little change in mindset alters so many things.

She reined it in with the following txt -

"We've gotten far, far away from the rules established in The Principles. I'm pissed about it. So, for the next two days you must ask for permission to use the bathroom. And, I want you to pick one gay or transvestite story you like, send me the link, and tell me why you like it. You have until noon today."

I'll get into all of that tomorrow with my next post...

A real ruined orgasm?

As you may have noticed on the little ticker bar above this post, there's a timer which shows the last time I've actually been able to cum with a true orgasm. In that time I've been allowed I believe three ruined orgasms. Since Miss H and I started a full time FLR it averages out to every few weeks Miss H allows me a ruined orgasm in order to "clean out the pipes" in order to maintain prostate health. Ruined orgasms aren't nearly as enjoyable as a regular orgasm but they do provide a small, if very insignificant form of release.


For those not familiar with the concept of a ruined orgasm, it's when a male is stimulated to the point of orgasm but the stimulation is removed just before orgasm is reached. This results in a release of ejaculate without the accompanying orgasm. The feeling is more akin to having to pee then suddenly releasing it, more a sense of release then actual pleasure. Unlike with a full orgasm where cum is forcefully shot out of the penis, with a ruined orgasm I'll have the cum literally just drop out of the head of my penis with virtually no pressure. The amount of ejaculate is the same, it just comes out in a slow stream instead of a hard spray.

Miss H decided this past Friday night was time for a ruined orgasm. It had been almost a month since I've had one so I was past due and it was readily apparent. I was like a sex obsessed maniac recently, virtually attached to Miss H's hip at all times desperate for attention. Miss H knows I some times resist the ruined orgasm because it completely zaps my horniness level for a day or so and I hate losing that sexual buildup. She was being particularly mean because we had the whole weekend free and planned to play, so by milking me so early into the weekend she knew the dressing would be more of an uncomfortable embarrassment then a sexual thrill like it would be if I was in my regular horny state of mind.

She had warned me earlier in the week that any complaints would be dealt with severely so when she surprised me with the news of my impending ruined orgasm on Friday night I started to stammer some lame excuse but quickly stopped. She took me totally off guard, one minute we're sitting watching TV, the next I'm standing naked in front of the mirror in my bathroom with her hand gripped firmly around me. With just a few strokes of her lubed up hand I was ready to cum. My role in this process is to inform her when I'm about to cum so she can stop stroking.

You might think that I could just cheat and tell her to late that I was about to cum, therefore having a true orgasm and cheating. Two reasons that doesn't happen. One, I wouldn't take advantage of Miss H like that. As her slave I know my role and to take advantage of her kindness would only come back to bite me in the end. Second, with a true orgasm I would spray like a fire hose all over the place. With a month long period of near constant tease and denial, the release after that is massive and would have me shooting in an arc across the room. The difference in force between a ruined and regular orgasm is like night and day. She could clearly see the difference and would now immediately what had happened.

So, as I was saying, Miss H was working on me and I was about to cum so I let her know. Initially I thought I had told her to soon because it didn't even feel like I was going to cum after she stopped. I just sort of stood there for a second or two and then all of a sudden a huge load of cum just spilled out of me. I didn't even feel that semi-pleasurable release of the ruined orgasm. Most importantly though, I didn't really feel any change in my level of horniness which was a *huge* change from what regularly happens.

I've read tons of blogs where the sub male complains that after a ruined orgasm they're miserable because not only did they not get the pleasure of the orgasm, there were now even hornier then before. This was the exact opposite of what I've experienced. I've always had the post orgasm mental letdown without the pleasure of the accompanying orgasm. Usually after seeing the giant puddle of cum pooled on the edge of the sink I try my best to try and convince Miss H to not make me lick it up (she always does anyway). This time though the idea was not only not that bad, but it was actually kind of hot. Furthermore I never lost the erection I had before the ruined orgasm.

I think I kind of surprised Miss H when after finishing up my cum cleanup chore, I followed her into the bedroom and feverishly started touching, kissing, rubbing, and basically doing anything possible to have her show me some sexual attention. I jumped at the chance to get dressed in my sluttiest lingerie and dress, again a big departure from the usual post ruined orgasm routine. She seemed quite happy at this new direction I had taken.

I think the big difference between this time and past times is that I told her to stop right before I felt any real sense of the impending orgasm. I guess I was waiting a hair to long to have her stop in the past which was still ruining the pleasure but still allowing some type of hormone release. By cutting things back even earlier all the emotional/mental aspects were stopped but the physical release was maintained. While this is just our preliminary result, I'm excited by how thing have turned out. To keep the extreme sexual frustration and desire while still being able to keep the body healthy with proper release would be the best of both worlds. Miss H and I will have to work on things but I can't wait to see how it goes in the future. It will be interesting to see if we can get to a place where we have the least amount of stimulation/pleasure yet still have it result in a completely unsatisfying release. How evil.

I can't wait.

Evidence of my shame

Mobile blogging on my phone so I'm going to keep this short so my fingers don't fall off from all the screen tapping. Last night Miss H got into some rather edgy mental play, the kind of thing that was straddling that deliciously fine line between ultimate eroticism and crippling emotional brutality. It was an amazing journey that often times had me unsure if I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry or rip her clothes off and fuck her I was so out of my mind turned on. To have her push things to the edge, stop only long enough to keep me from falling, then push even further, had my mind spinning and cock leaking.

She refused to touch me or allow me to touch myself so I spent what must have been hours just slowly dry humping her leg rhythmically over and over again as her voice punished my mind. She eventually fell asleep, I'm not sure when, as I kept slowly pumping against her till the wee hours of the morning, being careful to not cum no matter how badly I wanted to.

I remember drifting off to sleep, one hand under her stomach the other laid delicately across her thigh as meek little grunts of pleasure escaped from my mouth. The warmth of her skin, the wetness in my panties, and the gentle sway of our bodies as this pathetic reenactment of my former pre-sissy sex life rolled on.

Risky business

If you read this blog regularly you've probably noticed that I tend to mention that I'm horny on a pretty much seemingly 24/7 basis. I don't mean to belabor the fact but when it's in the forefront of your mind all the time it tends to spill out in your writing. You write about what you know, and by now I'm an expert on not cumming when I want to. I can probably count on one hand the number of true orgasms I've had in the last year. Orgasms where I was allowed to cum where I wanted and how I wanted. No holding back, no ruined orgasms, just full release and pleasure.

There so infrequent that I almost put them out of my mind, no use obsessing about something I rarely get, especially now that Miss H seems to be allowing fewer and fewer of them. She already said I won't be cumming again this year, and a few weeks ago kind of half jokingly said that perhaps a year without being able to cum would be our next milestone. I hope she was just kidding but with her you never know. She's been *very* displeased with my post orgasm attitude recently so I'm not surprised she's having less and less of a problem extending my periods of chastity as time goes on.

Yesterday was an especially tough day for me because I was just on another level of horniness. There was no particular reason why, it on the surface was just like any other day, but I had total sex on the brain all damn day. I seemingly couldn't focus or really care about anything that wasn't sexual in nature. I wrote a new blog post, hung out on Tumblr looking at porn, goofed off on Twitter, and surfed the web for anything that I thought could quell my desires. Note to self, when your horny, looking at porn doesn't scratch that itch, it just makes it ten times worse. And no matter how many times I tell myself this time will be different, it isn't.

To make matters worse, Miss H was just bombing out the txt messages too. The second I thought I was calming down a bit, there she was stoking the fires again. She specifically told me not to put on my CB-6000 cock cage because if she wasn't overly busy at work, she wanted me available to toy with through out the day. Right before I was about to take a shower I got the first message saying I was allowed to edge myself for five minutes but not cum. Like a good girl I did what I was told, stopping exactly after those five painfully short minutes. I was desperate for more so Miss H allowed me ten more minutes to edge myself then go food shopping in the afternoon after work. If I was good and did what I was told I would then be allowed another ten minutes to edge when I returned. I of course jumped on the opportunity and was rewarded with more blissful masturbation time.

Miss H wasn't going to be home till late so I had the house to myself. I hadn't heard much from Miss H since early afternoon so I was dying to hear even the slightest little degrading or teasing txt. Anything at all from her, I was jonesing for her dirty messages. I started in on Tumblr again, each passing picture of a sissy being fucked or a dominant woman in PVC making the puddle in my panties that much bigger. That's when that first bad thought started to creep in.

"I could probably touch myself for a little while. As long as I don't cum, Miss H will never know". I could almost hear that little floating devil, like the one in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons, sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear. That's really unlike me because when Miss H lays down the law, I tend to follow it. Otherwise bad things happen, like having her lock out all my sports channels, or locking me in the CB-6000 and not paying it a bit of attention for more then a week.  So I did what I had to do. I txted Miss H for permission to put the cock cage on for my own good.

It was a weird feeling, doing exactly the opposite of what my body wanted so badly. Locking down, not playing with myself in a feeble attempt at pleasure. It was completely contradictory to what every neuron in my brain was screaming for, yet I didn't want to put myself in a position where I might end up doing something that I would regret big time later. She probably found it funny to get my txt but if so she didn't say anything. Her txt reply was simple and to the point -

"Put on the cage, sissy."

Running low.

I woke up this morning with the usual problems facing me, I was incredibly horny and couldn't do much about it. Miss H was busy getting ready for work and I had some other things I needed to take care of so taking care of my now all encompassing horniness just didn't seem like an issue that could be fixed at the current time. I'm not going into work until later today so I was debating what I could potentially do about my dilemma over the next few hours. Masturbation was obviously out, Miss H would have none of that, so I strolled over to one of my closets where I keep all my girl clothes.

I was sort of surprised to notice how small my wardrobe was actually getting. It's still two full closets full of stuff including shoes, wigs, and toys, but I couldn't help but notice how it wasn't packed and bursting at the seams like it used to be. I remember getting rid of a few things that didn't fit quite as well as they used to, and there was more than one Vinyl item that had to go because they started flaking off, but there seemed to be a lot of clothes that I used to wear all the time that were now gone. It was a slow process of elimination, to many things going out and not enough new ones coming in to replace them.

When I first started dressing the number of clothes I had was nuts, probably almost as many girl clothes as guy clothes. My ex-wife was very understanding of what turned me on and would frequently come home with things for me to wear, which I totally loved because it reinforced to me that she was actually ok with what we were doing. It's one thing to say you like seeing me dress, it's another to be actively shopping for or with me. Anyway, so the wardrobe built up rather quickly. Over time our marriage ended and I moved on to my next girlfriend who I was with for while. She to was into my kinks but not exactly to the same level. She was pretty cool with things but didn't have the same level of enthusiasm. She loved the bondage and SM parts of our relationship but the dressing was more something she didn't mind as opposed to really got her off. So while she did occasionally pick up clothes for me, my wardrobe stayed about the same. I didn't really buy a lot of clothes either because I didn't want to "force" the issue of dressing with her.

We broke up a while ago but like they say, when one door closes, another opens. Not long after we went our separate ways I met Miss H and life has never been better. I can't remember a time in my life I've ever been happier then I am now with her being with me. It was a little while before I told Miss H about my kinks and she's been absolutely amazing in every regard. There's no better feeling then knowing you're with your perfect match. The person you're meant to be with.

Miss H and I have reached a level where we're on the same page about virtually every thing kink and fetish related. So you might think that I would be buying new clothes all the time because I have such a totally supportive and loving woman in my life right now. Not quite the case though.

The first problem is me. I always worry that I'm kind of forcing the issue. Miss H is awesome with everything but I don't want her to think that dressing is more important than her. I don't want her to feel relegated to just being some sort of prop or that she's just there to watch me get turned on by dressing. I don't want to burden her with having to do something she doesn't want to just to please me. Now Miss H says that's not the case, I'm just nervous that, just like the guy who spends every waking minute in the garage working on his car, Miss H will be resentful of me being so preoccupied with other interests. 

Second, financially, much like most people, times are tight. We have a good life together and we're not living under the bridge down by the river, but blasting out $400 for a really nice corset for either of us just isn't in the cards right now. Likewise, $100 for some new white patent leather boots doesn't seem like a good idea when the cable bill is atrociously high.

So as old clothes head out to Goodwill or the trash and aren't replaced with new ones, I shed a tiny little fashion tear for my lack of clothing options. Ok, I know, 1st world problem if there ever was one, but damn it I need a new shiny black hooker dress ;)

Bondage fun

You know it's been a good night when you wake up the next morning wearing lingerie, a short club dress, and sky high white platform shoes, then look up and see this hanging from your ceiling.

It was a fun night indeed, with some whipping, spanking, and a bit of bondage thrown in for good measure.

 

I wonder what tonight has in store for us.

The weekend.

Thank god the weekend is almost here, Miss H and I have both been so busy all week that we've haven't really had any time to bust out the kink. When we have mini lulls in our activities one of two things usually ends up happening -

1) I get so focused on the non-sexual stuff that is taking up all my time that while I'm still horny, my focus tends to be more on the job at hand so to speak and I spend all my time taking care of work related projects and all the fun, or lack there of, that goes with that. I definitely want to get crazy and kinky but the sheer amount of my workload or Miss H's just makes any reasonable chance at that happening virtually nill. In a way that's actually kind of good. If I know one of us will be busy and unavailable for a period of time then nothing is going to happen so I don't get my expectations up or let my level of horniness get out of control (if I can). It's kind of like a prisoner doing a life sentence, the sooner they give up that hope up being free again and just accept their current predicament, the easier the time goes.

2) I go "junkie without a fix" crazy and all I can think about is sex.

Doesn't matter what else is going on, that's all I can focus on. I'm on Tumblr, writing blogs, begging Miss H for any type of attention, and basically just rabid for release.

Currently, I'm feeling the latter. Big time.

While we do have the next few days to engage if what ever activities Miss H decides, there are a number of potential bumps in the road. I've two separate projects for work I need to get done. One I will hopefully be able to finish tonight, another that needs to be done by Monday morning. Saturday we have some work on the house we need to get finished because we're on a bit of a deadline for that, and Sunday we have a personal gathering to attend. One that I'd rather skip, but will keep us out till at least late afternoon. So I'm hoping we can find a way to get everything done and still have time for the two of us to get things started.

Privacy vs. my exhibitionist side

There are a number of reasons I started and continue to maintain this blog. It's a creative outlet for my kinky side, I thought it would be a good way to maybe make some new friends, and it's a good compliment to Miss H's blog. The main reason I do it though, and this may sound overly selfish and vain, but I totally get off on the attention. Outside of the bedroom I'm pretty mellow and laid back, the kind of guy every girl wants as her friend. To everyone who doesn't know about my kinky side they see me as quite but caring, and sensitive. You're average run of the mill nice guy. When they find out I have all sorts of body piercings and the like, the response is almost unilaterally the same, "wow, I would have never guessed, you just don't seem the type".

In my private/sex life though it's definitely another story. I *want* to be the center of attention, I want people to notice me, to interact with me. I absolutely love getting comments on my blog, messages on Fetlife, invitations to Skype, Twitter messages, and everything else. Unlike in my day to day life, when we get kinky I can be as free and open as I want. Its a wonderful feeling to , even if only briefly, experience the joy of being free from the self imposed rules of society which keep you in check and away from what really makes you happy.

As I'm sure you're aware if you read this blog on a regular basis, Miss H and I both purposely keep our identities hidden and never post face shots or other clearly identifiable markers such as telling you exactly what type of work I actually do. The reasons should be obvious enough, and are familiar to anyone who dares venture into the public eye. The risk of being "outed" to friends and family, to have details you want hidden from certain people suddenly getting out and in the wild.

It wasn't always like that, back when I was younger, in my early 20's and married to my now ex-wife, she and I engaged in similar activities to what Miss H and I currently do. She enjoyed showing me off so she would frequently post pics of me fully dressed online. Nothing censored, full facial shots, nothing left to the imagination. I didn't really care or worry about it much because if someone I do know finds them how are they going to confront me without also implicating themselves? They just "accidentally" stumbled across a transvestite's profile on Yahoo, mistakenly clicked on the adult's only warning, then hit the wrong link to erroneously scroll through photo after photo until they realized it was me?

And what if someone copied the picture and posted it somewhere else? Well it's not like a photo of me dressed, with my cock out and a huge dildo up my ass was somehow going to end up on CNN's front page. That type of material generally stays in a certain realm of the internet, the "I need some porn to jerk off too" section so it's unlikely my grandmother is going to find it by mistake. To me, the sexual joy I get by posting my personal material more then makes up for the very small risk of somebody finding it and it being a problem.

The reason I even bring this up is because I had a weird thing happen to me yesterday. I got a friend request on Fetlife so I accepted it because after reading their profile we seemed to have a lot in common, both sissy's, both into hard bondage and humiliation, etc. After accepting it, I decided to check out this person's profile photos. I was floored when four of the pics she was claiming were her were actually pics I had posted years ago. There were probably at least 20 comments or so on each pic praising how good she looked and how hot she was (sorry, I had to say that, it's to much of an ego boost not too ;)

The funny thing was intermixed in the comments were two people who called out this person for the photos not being her. I laughed because both of these people were rightfully indigent about the fraud and claimed they knew the person in the photo and it was definitely not her. Problem was, I didn't know either of those people. So you've got some dude out their using my photos as his, then two other people upset that their "friend" had her pics stolen, not realizing that person grabbed them from me as well. I was a little annoyed at the whole thing but I guess my vanity got the best of me because I was thrilled that someone liked my pics enough to claim to be me.

When I showed Miss H she was upset. She was never a big fan of posting face shots on our blogs and I totally understand why, her job is much more prominent then mine and if it got out what we do it would be much more difficult for her to deal with. If it was simply her posting naked pics of herself and she was discovered it wouldn't be that big of deal, because it would be a blog about sex and a straight female, society considers that hot. With me involved though it becomes a bit more dicey. Most people aren't down with cross dressing, ass fucking a man, and all the other crazy shit we're into. I don't want my personal kinks to negatively affect her so I never had a big problem with her wanting to keep our personal lives personal.

Seeing those pics again did make me think, those pics had been on the internet for years, and by now spread across the web through sites like FetLife, Yahoo, Flickr, and who knows where else. Yet in all that time I've never had a single person contact me and say "I know who you are" or have a co-worker confront me about the pics they found on some porn site last night during their jerk-a-thon. I did have someone recognize me at a fetish event I went to in Philly a while back but that was perfectly fine with me. It was "safe contact" because it was in the proper location and in the proper situation. This is someone who was a fan, not a random person declaring moral outrage.

I do realize there is a risk, but there is a risk in everything you do. Is it worth it to undertake that risk just to turn me on? I don't know. I talked about it briefly with Miss H and while not thrilled about the idea, she did seem surprisingly open to discussing it more. I have no idea what I want to do or what will eventually happen over the course of this blog's life. It may remain like it is now, our faces cloaked in mystery, with just enough scant details to get the story across, or perhaps you'll see everything. It's hard to say what the future has in store. To be honest I hadn't even thought about having more revealing photos until I came across my old pics yesterday. I liked that freedom, just taking a photo and posting it, not having to worry about cropping or editing a picture so my face wasn't visible or a prominent tattoo was showing.

Thoughts?