Fiery vagina of doom

Now is that a blog post title or what? Unfortunately for Miss H and myself, although to be honest, more unfortunate for her, that title is strikingly appropriate. What started out hot and heavy turned into surprisingly scary but thankfully ended up ok. Things began innocently enough, I was watching the Sugar Bowl and Miss H casually mentioned that I was to get into my pink sissy pj's and come to bed when it was over. Around midnight I walked into our bedroom and before long we were kissing, cuddling, rubbing, and engaged in some wonderful dirty talk to properly set the mood.

Miss H was virtually done her period but initially was hesitant for me to go down on her or really touch her that much. I don't really have a problem with period sex, it's a pretty neutral thing for me. It doesn't turn me on but at the same time I don't go off running and screaming at the thought of it either. Well Miss H must have been extra horny last night because it wasn't long before she was roughly pushing my head down between her thighs. She even allowed me to put my sissy clit inside of her. She was enjoying herself but I felt bad because I was so close to cumming that I was going way to slow and delicate for her liking. After only a few minutes of this she kind of propped herself up on her elbows and nearly out of breath yelled, "get the sheath".

Excitedly I ran off to grab the rubber cock extender that I had purchased a few months back. For those unfamiliar with a cock sheath, it's simply a hollow silicone dildo that you insert your penis in and is kept in place by a ring that fits around your balls. It allows me to fuck her with a much bigger dick then I naturally have and not have to worry about going slow because the sheath prevents 95% of all physical sensation to the wearer.

It's a real mind fuck to be so desperately horny all the time then to be allowed to feel her legs wrapped around me, and the motion of fucking back and forth against her and yet receive absolutely no pleasure from it. Every sensation is there, the feel of her skin, the sounds of her moans, the grip of her hands as she pulls me deeper inside of her, everything about sex that I've missed so much is there except for any sexual gratification.

So after rubbing lube all over the shaft of the big rubber dick I started fingering her which immediately got a positive result. I slowly pushed the head of the sheath into her, being careful not to go to fast and hurt her. I was surprised how quickly and easily it just slid all the way in however. She let our moans of pleasure like I hadn't heard in a while. To see her becoming so turned on and almost animalistic in her fucking was getting me off like you couldn't believe. Even being trapped inside the sheath I still had to slow down once or twice because I thought I was going to cum I was so turned on. The extremely slight friction caused by the sheath occasionally rubbing against my sissy clit almost had me losing control.

Miss H's mood then suddenly changed. She started with a much different moaning sound and started almost thrashing around. At first I thought she was just really losing herself in the moment and about to cum when she suddenly pushed me away and quickly got up out of bed. "What's wrong?", I asked, worried that I had hurt her or something. With a pained look on her face she said something about "it burns", before rushing into the bathroom. I was kind of scared at this point so I knocked on the door. She opened it and I saw her turning on the shower. She seemed a bit more relaxed but still obviously uncomfortable. "I think I had a reaction to that lube", she said. "At first it felt really good when you were inside me then it suddenly started to burn like hell. I'm going to try to take a shower and wash it off and see if that helps". I asked if there was anything I could do and she said no. She said not to worry, I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't go to deep or cut her or anything like that, it was more then likely just a bad reaction to the lube we had used.

When she was out of the shower we sat on the bed and talked about what had just happened. Miss H is very sensitive to a number of things, she uses special soap and body wash because she's had similar problems with other personal care items in the past. There's never been a reaction like this to the lube before and we've had this particular one for a while now. She mentioned that sometimes when she uses it to jerk me off she'll get a red area on her hand but this level of intense reaction was a definite first. To ensure something like this never happens again I"m going to look into other lubes to see if they have a sensitive skin/no perfumes and dyes type thing and maybe use a condom over any dildoes to ensure that some ingredient in the toy isn't also contributing to the problem.  Thankfully Miss H is just fine this morning and there were no lasting complications.

New Years Resolutions

Ok, so I'm a tad late with getting around to writing this blog post considering its already January 5th but hey, it's bowl game week so I've been watching a lot of college football ;) This year there are a number of things of I want to work on both in my personal life, my work life, and my kinky life. I'll spare you the extended backstory and incoherent rambling and instead just get right into it -

1. Be nicer to Miss H. It's not necessarily that I think I treat her badly, but we both have a very caustic, dark sense of humor so while we both dish it out to one another pretty good, sometimes I take it a bit to far and zing her with a joke when I should just shut up and listen. I do it because I think it lightens the mood but it doesn't always come off that way so it's probably time to work on that.
2. Be more open and direct with Miss H. A lot of the really edgy, mind fuck kind of kinks we play around with both totally turn me on and at the same time crush me emotionally. Talking to her about them outside of when we're actively engaged in them totally embarrasses me so I change the subject or do whatever to not discuss them "in the light of day". That doesn't help either of us, I can't effectively communicate when I really want to engage in certain activities and she doesn't get the opportunity to discuss and talk about how she feels. That's one of the reasons she wanted me to start this blog. When I have the chance to talk about things remotely, such as through email or txt messages I can be much more open because there's not that shame of telling her directly to her face. Again, this needs to change too.
3. Stop obsessing about trying to "read" Miss H and just go with what she says. I wrote about that problem in an earlier blog post if you're interested in reading more about that.
4. Work harder at trying to accept that a true FLR type relationship is always in effect regardless if whether I'm tied up and hanging from the ceiling or we're eating Christmas dinner with her family. While this isn't a porno movie where we live some crazy fetish fuck fest every minute of every day, the basic underpinnings are always there. They might not always be at the forefront and super obvious, but they should be recognized as present and treated accordingly. I fall into the trap of being super subservient when I'm dressed and being caned, but when it's time to take out the trash and I'm running late for work, not so much. That's disrespectful to Miss H and belittles our FLR when an attitude like that rears its ugly head.
5. Eat better. That means more fresh fruits and veggies and less processed crap. The ingredients section on a particular food item should not have 67 different things in it, most of which require a PhD to pronounce.
6. Exercise more, at least four times a week for at least 30 minutes.
7. Watch less TV, including sports (ugh, this is probably going to kill me) and instead read more or just get outside. I have tons of books I've been dying to read but somehow I get sucked into watching just one more episode of Storage Wars or whatever else happens to be on. 

We'll see how it all works out but I think with a little effort I can make some positive changes this year for both Miss H and myself.

Holiday wrap-up

Miss H and I are seemingly recovered from the hectic holiday season so I figured it would be a good time to do a quick recap of how our Christmas went. For starters, it was quite enjoyable. It had a really nice "family" feel to it as we got to spend a lot of quality time with my family, hers, and us. Another thing I enjoyed is that the longer Miss H and I are together, the more the line between kinky life and vanilla life continues to blur. Last year was really the first Christmas that we exchanged "adult" presents with each other. It felt kind of weird to give her a sex toy to open right along with her regular gifts but we both enjoyed it and the initial awkwardness didn't last long once we got started.

This year, buying kinky presents seemed much more natural and both of our shopping lists had fetish gear listed right along with blu-ray players and Flyers shirts. There was a fleeting moment where I kept thinking, Christmas is a time for romantic diamond bracelets, not inflatable dildo's, but that's the beauty of our relationship, what's abnormal for many people is just the norm for us.

Compared to last year, I have to admit I was rather tame in my kinky presents to her. I got her some high end makeup, some new stockings, and a really nice garter belt. I was going to get some assorted bondage gear, but unlike last year when we were just getting into our FLR and we still occasionally switched, bondage gear wasn't something that Miss H would be using on herself very often anymore. I felt like like it was a kind of topping from the bottom thing if I bought something I wanted to be tied up in and gave it to her as a present for her. In hindsight she probably would have enjoyed some new device to torture me with so perhaps next year I'll add something interesting to the mix under the tree.

For me, she got me a Fleshlight, inflatable sex doll, some awesome wet look stockings, and makeup. She had mentioned many times before how I was constantly messing up her panties and pajama bottoms with my leaking pre-cum as I dry humped her leg or ass, so a fake masturbator might be a good idea. That way she could still provide a small reward when she thought I deserved it, but wouldn't have to ruin her clothes or deal with my tiny little clit in her hand.

I can already imagine her simply laying on her side, placing the fleshlight between her legs facing behind her, and if I've been good, spoon behind her and fuck the fake pussy while she reads a book or otherwise ignores me. Providing pleasure in the most cold, clinical manner possible. Or just simply holding it in front of me while I furiously pump the tight silicone sleeve inside the tube, watching in disgust as I debase myself in front of her, all for a few brief moments of pleasure that I'm unable to get anywhere else. 

The doll is even more ominous. You can *kind of* make a case for the Fleshlight. It's considered an actual masturbation aide and certainly not a cheap investment. Judging by the number sold and the various new models and variations they keep releasing, it's also extremely popular. A blow up sex doll on the other hand is nothing but the joke of countless movies and TV shows. It's more of a bachelor party gag then anything that's actually going to get you off. The shame and humiliation of being made to fuck such an absurd plastic creation is going to be horrible. At least with the Fleshlight there will be some interaction, even though no real physical contact with Miss H. With the doll I can only assume she'll just let me loose on it and perhaps watch if I'm lucky, ignore me if I'm not. She had me try it out briefly the other night and it was certainly embarrassing to put it lightly. I was allowed to put my clit in it to see if the opening was long enough to use, and it was. It probably won't be long until I have a longer, and more personal, experience with it in the future.

Essay task

Two nights ago Miss H and I had a little dust up (aka argument) before before bed. She was upset with my recent crappy attitude and I was still feeling a bit left out so we ended up going at it. Nothing overly severe, just a chance to get some feelings out for both of us. While we didn't necessarily go to bed in a wonderful mood, it did set the stage for a more in depth and productive conversation last night on our drive home from the airport. We had just dropped some of her family off at the airport for their trip home so on the way back we had a great opportunity to talk. No interruptions, just the two of us in the car really talking and most importantly, listening to one another.

One of the big things I took from this discussion is that as the submissive in this FLR, I really need to let go and just do what I'm told. It's not that I refuse Miss H or try to top from the bottom, I just seem to go in with good intentions and end up screwing things up because erroneously assume I know Miss H better then she knows herself. Case in point, the other night we had spent the majority of the day with her family and it was fun, kind of physically exhausting, but still enjoyable. At the end of the day we were hanging out in the bedroom when she proceeded to start running her foot up against the side of my leg. I got instantly hard, I kind of have a thing for her feet, and wanted to just attack her like a crazed monkey. Instead though I told her I didn't think that was a good idea and tried to change the subject, basically rejecting her flat out. It sounds like a dick move, but I did it not because I was trying to disobey her, but because I had the mistaken assumption that she was just doing it "to be nice". I was trying to be considerate of her feelings and let her get some sleep, but instead she took it as a slap in the face and me being disobedient.

It seems like most of our fights and problems seem to stem from me trying to do what I think Miss H really wants instead of just listening to what she says and doing what she asks. In the moment, I don't see the problem with what I'm doing because in my heart I think I'm doing the right thing and what's best for her. Instead I always come off as exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to do. In a regular relationship that might not be as important an issue, but in an FLR it's huge. By trying to help, I'm inadvertently making Miss H feel less secure in her role as the dominant and causing more problems and misunderstandings then I'm helping.

I think a lot of that has to do with issues I've had in earlier relationships. My ex wife and previous girlfriend both said that often times I wasn't as attentive to their needs or didn't pick up signals they were sending out in regards to what they wanted or how they were feeling. Those relationships ended for much bigger reasons, but that feeling of being so out of tune really bothers me still. So when Miss H says even the most harmless thing, I automatically go into panic mode and assume that there is some huge underlying meaning behind it. This is especially true when it's anything related to sex or kink. One little, "I can't stay up super late tonight because I have to work tomorrow", and I'm packing up the strap-on before we've even finished eating our dinner and had a chance to get started with everything.

So we talked about that a lot and I'm really going to try to start letting go of those fears and insecurities and just go with the flow instead of swimming against the current. It's going to be hard to just follow an order when I think she will be unhappy because of it, or she's not really in the mood to do it, or whatever, but doing what I'm doing now isn't working and isn't viable in the long term. She told me last night before bed that she wanted me to write an essay explaining to her what it meant to me to be a submissive.

It sounded like a good idea, I could explain to her how it meant that as the submissive you *don't* know what the Dom has in mind and you don't know what she has planned, so by trying to "fix" a problem you think is there when it really isn't is not your responsibility. It seems as though I should have taken that last sentence more to heart however. You see, I took a quick break after writing that last paragraph to ask Miss H a question about something totally unrelated. Before we finished I was so excited to tell her about this blog post and how I thought I had really learned something about how I could be a better submissive by listening to what we had talked about. I told her that I had combined her essay request with a blog post because I thought she would like a little background to go along with the essay so by combining the two she would find it much more interesting and insightful.

"Did I ask for a blog post or did I ask for a simple essay?", was her response.

I stood there feeling like a total asshole, here I was telling her how much I was going to try to change and yet once again I went out on my own instead of just doing what she asked. I wanted to crawl in a hole if for no other reason then to simply avoid her eyes meeting my own. I have a lot to learn and a lot of old baggage to get rid off. I only hope she takes comfort in the knowledge I am trying and want nothing more then to be the proper submissive she so rightfully deserves.

Mixed emotions

Last night Miss H and I were getting ready for bed and kind of just chilling out with the TV on. She turned it off which I assumed meant we were going to sleep so I hop under the covers, kicked my light off and waited for her to join me. She rolled over on her stomach with her Kindle and was getting ready to read. "Are you going to stay up and read", I asked, already knowing the answer. "Yeah, I figured I would for a while. Unless you had something else in mind", she replied. That was her way of testing the waters to see if I wanted to maybe start fooling around a bit. I also knew that more than likely she was only offering that up because she felt bad that our sex life and more importantly our FLR had been on an unannounced hiatus for a few weeks. She had already had a long day and I thought she could use some time to herself to decompress so I just gave her a kiss and said goodnight.

I spent a lot of time this morning thinking about why it was so easy to pass on any kinky play last night. It should have been much more difficult. I mean to be locked up non-stop for weeks and then pass on some potential relief? What the hell was that all about anyway? When I'm switching from Monday Night Football to a rerun of The Next Iron Chef, I do it because I love Miss H, but I'm still not overly joyed about missing the game. Giving up some adult time came rather easily however. I think a lot of it has to do with resigning myself to the fact that for roughly the past month I wasn't going to get anything so why bother trying. When you accept that circumstances of your situation you're much better able to deal with them. With Christmas time coming and her family flying in I knew a long time ago that for all intents and purposes, I was on lock down, both literally and figuratively.

Two or three months ago when things were hot and heavy, I was getting teased and toyed with relentlessly. Virtually every night I was masturbated without relief, we exchanged dirty txt's and emails all day, and I was getting dressed with wonderful frequency. I was horny and on a perpetual adrenaline rush. Recently though that hasn't been the case. I'm not trying to blame her or make her feel bad, because I totally understand the reasons why and they're completely justified. It's just that your libido is like a fire, stoke it frequently and give it the fuel it needs and watch out, you'll have a roaring blaze. Ignore it and it becomes a smoldering ember.

That's how I feel right now, it's not that I'm not horny, it's just that why get things fired up when I know nothing will come from it. Going so long without being teased and denied is having the opposite effect, denied by itself is just calming me down instead of firing me up. It's like a sexual "time out" that resets my level of horniness. Rewind a few weeks and Miss H wouldn't have even been able to get the first letter of "unless you had something else in mind" out before I was all over her like a rabid ferret in heat. Now I just kiss her cheek and go to sleep.

Feeling so calm, so stoic, bothers me. I've felt very alone recently and it's not a good feeling. It's not just the sex that I miss from our FLR, but the level of intimacy and closeness it provides. When we're ourselves, all I can think about is Miss H. I want to look at her, touch her, feel her skin, kiss her, just everything. That connection I feel with her when she orders her slave to do something, that excitement when I see her txt come in. A simple peck on the cheek before work becomes much more, as we dive into bed for just five more minutes so I can push my head between her soft thighs and pleasure her before she has to go.

We're both so busy now though that things feel mechanical, like two roommates sharing the same house. A kiss in the morning and one at night. A "how was your day?" when we get home. No adrenaline rush, no sexual tension, no panty wetting excitement over what may lie on the other side of the door when you walk in from a long day at work. Just "where do we have to be for this Christmas party" or "I'm tired, so I'm going to bed".

I know it's just a temporary funk, one that will soon pass as life gets back to normal after this hectic holiday season. I hate even writing this because I know I sound like a big whiny bitch (and this is one time where I don't mean that in a positive way) but it's been bugging me and part of the reason for keeping this blog is to provide a way for me to spill my guts when I have. It's very cathartic to write what I'm feeling down, kind of makes it real in a way that just running it over and over again in your head doesn't quite do. My biggest fear is that Miss H will read this, freak out and then suddenly go into ultra-Domme mode in a hot second. Trying to make up for and overcompensate for what we haven't been doing. That's just plain awkward because I'm already in place where I feel weird about jumping right back into the kink because its been a while and then I feel guilty because I feel like I've guilted her into doing something she really doesn't want to do right now anyway.

I really hate the way I feel right now. I'm horny enough to be thinking about kink all the time, yet not horny enough where I want to get into those things I really love but embarrass the hell out of me in front of Miss H. When I'm really in my sub mentality everything just flows so nicely, I'm horny, happy, and gung ho to do everything that I really enjoy. Now I just feel adrift.

Unintentional denial

It's about 11:12pm on Monday night and I've got the Saints/Falcons game on our bedroom TV instead of gently running my tongue along the length of Miss H's foot. I'm watching Drew Brees go for the all time passing yardage record when I could instead be massaging her sexy ass. It's not because I prefer a football game over being with Miss H, quite the contrary, but I don't have much choice. She's enjoying a well deserved bit of sleep while I'm left horny and locked up.

We had talked about playing with some of our new Christmas toys tonight (more on those in a future blog post) but it just didn't work out that that way. She was exhausted and even though she tried to rally and take a shower, it didn't take a genius to see she wasn't up for it tonight. I turned the lights off, told her to put her glasses on the nightstand and kissed her goodnight. She protested slightly but it wasn't long before I watched her fall asleep right before me.

The last couple of weeks have been really hectic for us as I'm sure they've been for a lot of other people. With the holiday season having just passed, I know we weren't the only ones running around in a seemingly never ending rat race of rampant consumerism gone wild. Shopping, doing our best Martha Stewart impression while attempting to decorate, trying to squeeze in a visit to every relative you possibly can, and everything else that encompasses the celebration of the season. It takes a toll to the point where even when we wanted to have some kinky fun one of us always seemed to either be too tired or too busy.

The last week especially was rough because Miss H had her family come in to visit from out of state. While they aren't staying with us, we've spent the vast majority of our time with them in some manner or another. I'm not complaining because I like her family and I've had a good time with everyone, but in the past ten days I think I've had my cock cage off perhaps twice, and our longest period of actual sexual contact being about half an hour. I know Miss H isn't trying to ignore me, she's tried on several occasions to show me she's interested, but I realize how busy and sleep deprived she's been so I feel guilty trying to take her up on her offers so I politely decline or try to switch the conversation to something else.

So what I'm going to do is what any good sub is supposed to do in my position. Be thankful that I'm able to serve such an amazingly beautiful, smart, and sexy Mistress, and patiently wait until things slow down and return to normal. When Mistress is ready and in the mood to get back into things I'm sure she'll make it readily apparent. Until then I'll be content in the knowledge that she's happy and resting comfortably and I'm lucky enough to be laying here next to her.

Diapered in public, again.

I think one of my favorite things about Miss H is when she completely surprises me with how kinky she can be. She's always so calm and reserved that I sometimes forget what a perv she truly is. It's one thing to plan a night of fun in advance then be surprised at what ever sexual hijinks she comes up with, it's quite another to be blindsided when you're engaged in the normal humdrum of every day life. Case in point last night. I got back from work and remembered that Miss H wanted to go food shopping at some point. I was making a mental note of things I needed to remember to get while Miss H was getting changed in the other room. I walked in to ask her something and we continued to talk while she dressed.

"By the way, grab the butt plug, you're getting diapered before we leave", she calmly said, as if she was telling me not to forget the milk or take out the trash. "Do I have to?", I meekly responded, trying to put up a fight and defend what tiny shred of masculinity I was still hanging on to.

"Yes", she replied, annoyed by my reluctance.

I laid everything out on the bed for her inspection, which seemed to meet her approval as she then ordered me to get ready.

I lubed up the butt plug and inserted it before pulling up the first diaper, a pair of pullups, then laid down on the bed. As much as I've learned to love being diapered, the worst part remains having to lay back and ask Miss H for help with the second thick diaper. It's much more padded then the pullups and has a slick plastic exterior and tape tabs to secure it. You can kind of fool yourself into thinking that the pullups are like underwear, but there's no mistaking the Tranquility All Through the Night diaper as anything but that, a big padded diaper that I have to wear. 

Asking for her help and having her actively place me in that diaper both sexually excites me to no end yet at the same time almost pushes me to the verge of tears some time. It's a weird paradox, being both simultaneously turned on and also suffering mentally and emotionally at the same time. I can't explain it, I just chalk it up to a crossed wire deep in the folds of my brain and leave it at that. 

To finish up I slid on the plastic panties and stood up. I was still wearing my cock cage so I could feel the strain in there as I unsuccessfully tried to get erect as the sensation of the butt plug deep inside me and the crinkle of my diapers proved to much to handle and I became immediately excited.

I've been forced to wear diapers out in public before, but this time was different thanks to the plug and the cage still being on. Simple things like sitting in the car became unexpected surprises as the butt plug pushed in deep as I sat down. Just as soon as I'd start to forget it was there, something new would happen to remind me of my predicament. Miss H wasn't helping matters by randomly whispering horribly degrading things in my ear while giving my ass a hard smack. 

The combination of some baggy cargo pants and a big t-shirt helped to minimize any totally obvious signs of the bulky diapers I was wearing, but that did little to keep me calm. With every step through the store I was keenly aware of just what I was wearing on, around, and in me. The whole experience was horribly embarrassing, I don't think I made eye contact with a single person while we were there. Every even semi cute female we walked by made me cringe with utter humiliation. My mind racing with what terrible things they would say to me if they know what was really going on.  Every guy I came across made me feel weak and feminine, as I remembered what Miss H said when we first walked through the entrance.

"How many men in this store do you think would allow themselves to be diapered, plugged, and caged by their wife or girlfriend? No real man would. How man men in the whole shopping center or the city or even the whole state would? You do though, because you're a little sissy bitch. Isn't that right?"

With my eyes fixed on the floor I slowly nodded as I continued to push the cart down the long, empty aisle. Cock twitching and leaking inside my diaper as Miss H walked on ahead, more concerned with getting the right salad dressing then bothering herself with my crushed feelings.