Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Mixed emotions

Last night Miss H and I were getting ready for bed and kind of just chilling out with the TV on. She turned it off which I assumed meant we were going to sleep so I hop under the covers, kicked my light off and waited for her to join me. She rolled over on her stomach with her Kindle and was getting ready to read. "Are you going to stay up and read", I asked, already knowing the answer. "Yeah, I figured I would for a while. Unless you had something else in mind", she replied. That was her way of testing the waters to see if I wanted to maybe start fooling around a bit. I also knew that more than likely she was only offering that up because she felt bad that our sex life and more importantly our FLR had been on an unannounced hiatus for a few weeks. She had already had a long day and I thought she could use some time to herself to decompress so I just gave her a kiss and said goodnight.

I spent a lot of time this morning thinking about why it was so easy to pass on any kinky play last night. It should have been much more difficult. I mean to be locked up non-stop for weeks and then pass on some potential relief? What the hell was that all about anyway? When I'm switching from Monday Night Football to a rerun of The Next Iron Chef, I do it because I love Miss H, but I'm still not overly joyed about missing the game. Giving up some adult time came rather easily however. I think a lot of it has to do with resigning myself to the fact that for roughly the past month I wasn't going to get anything so why bother trying. When you accept that circumstances of your situation you're much better able to deal with them. With Christmas time coming and her family flying in I knew a long time ago that for all intents and purposes, I was on lock down, both literally and figuratively.

Two or three months ago when things were hot and heavy, I was getting teased and toyed with relentlessly. Virtually every night I was masturbated without relief, we exchanged dirty txt's and emails all day, and I was getting dressed with wonderful frequency. I was horny and on a perpetual adrenaline rush. Recently though that hasn't been the case. I'm not trying to blame her or make her feel bad, because I totally understand the reasons why and they're completely justified. It's just that your libido is like a fire, stoke it frequently and give it the fuel it needs and watch out, you'll have a roaring blaze. Ignore it and it becomes a smoldering ember.

That's how I feel right now, it's not that I'm not horny, it's just that why get things fired up when I know nothing will come from it. Going so long without being teased and denied is having the opposite effect, denied by itself is just calming me down instead of firing me up. It's like a sexual "time out" that resets my level of horniness. Rewind a few weeks and Miss H wouldn't have even been able to get the first letter of "unless you had something else in mind" out before I was all over her like a rabid ferret in heat. Now I just kiss her cheek and go to sleep.

Feeling so calm, so stoic, bothers me. I've felt very alone recently and it's not a good feeling. It's not just the sex that I miss from our FLR, but the level of intimacy and closeness it provides. When we're ourselves, all I can think about is Miss H. I want to look at her, touch her, feel her skin, kiss her, just everything. That connection I feel with her when she orders her slave to do something, that excitement when I see her txt come in. A simple peck on the cheek before work becomes much more, as we dive into bed for just five more minutes so I can push my head between her soft thighs and pleasure her before she has to go.

We're both so busy now though that things feel mechanical, like two roommates sharing the same house. A kiss in the morning and one at night. A "how was your day?" when we get home. No adrenaline rush, no sexual tension, no panty wetting excitement over what may lie on the other side of the door when you walk in from a long day at work. Just "where do we have to be for this Christmas party" or "I'm tired, so I'm going to bed".

I know it's just a temporary funk, one that will soon pass as life gets back to normal after this hectic holiday season. I hate even writing this because I know I sound like a big whiny bitch (and this is one time where I don't mean that in a positive way) but it's been bugging me and part of the reason for keeping this blog is to provide a way for me to spill my guts when I have. It's very cathartic to write what I'm feeling down, kind of makes it real in a way that just running it over and over again in your head doesn't quite do. My biggest fear is that Miss H will read this, freak out and then suddenly go into ultra-Domme mode in a hot second. Trying to make up for and overcompensate for what we haven't been doing. That's just plain awkward because I'm already in place where I feel weird about jumping right back into the kink because its been a while and then I feel guilty because I feel like I've guilted her into doing something she really doesn't want to do right now anyway.

I really hate the way I feel right now. I'm horny enough to be thinking about kink all the time, yet not horny enough where I want to get into those things I really love but embarrass the hell out of me in front of Miss H. When I'm really in my sub mentality everything just flows so nicely, I'm horny, happy, and gung ho to do everything that I really enjoy. Now I just feel adrift.

1 comment:

  1. Your mistake, my love, was assuming I'd ever acted because I felt bad about anything. What I felt was the desire to play with you last night. You'd already rejected my advances earlier in the evening, and I was uninterested in begging for you to agree to get kinky. So when you wouldn't just say what I knew you wanted, I figured forget it.

    I want a truthful sissy, not a melancholy martyr.

    Your orders from here on out are to akways tell me what you want. I'll no longer tolerate "it's ok" or "no, that's fine" as answers when that isn't true.

    Miss H