Friday, December 30, 2011

Essay task

Two nights ago Miss H and I had a little dust up (aka argument) before before bed. She was upset with my recent crappy attitude and I was still feeling a bit left out so we ended up going at it. Nothing overly severe, just a chance to get some feelings out for both of us. While we didn't necessarily go to bed in a wonderful mood, it did set the stage for a more in depth and productive conversation last night on our drive home from the airport. We had just dropped some of her family off at the airport for their trip home so on the way back we had a great opportunity to talk. No interruptions, just the two of us in the car really talking and most importantly, listening to one another.

One of the big things I took from this discussion is that as the submissive in this FLR, I really need to let go and just do what I'm told. It's not that I refuse Miss H or try to top from the bottom, I just seem to go in with good intentions and end up screwing things up because erroneously assume I know Miss H better then she knows herself. Case in point, the other night we had spent the majority of the day with her family and it was fun, kind of physically exhausting, but still enjoyable. At the end of the day we were hanging out in the bedroom when she proceeded to start running her foot up against the side of my leg. I got instantly hard, I kind of have a thing for her feet, and wanted to just attack her like a crazed monkey. Instead though I told her I didn't think that was a good idea and tried to change the subject, basically rejecting her flat out. It sounds like a dick move, but I did it not because I was trying to disobey her, but because I had the mistaken assumption that she was just doing it "to be nice". I was trying to be considerate of her feelings and let her get some sleep, but instead she took it as a slap in the face and me being disobedient.

It seems like most of our fights and problems seem to stem from me trying to do what I think Miss H really wants instead of just listening to what she says and doing what she asks. In the moment, I don't see the problem with what I'm doing because in my heart I think I'm doing the right thing and what's best for her. Instead I always come off as exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to do. In a regular relationship that might not be as important an issue, but in an FLR it's huge. By trying to help, I'm inadvertently making Miss H feel less secure in her role as the dominant and causing more problems and misunderstandings then I'm helping.

I think a lot of that has to do with issues I've had in earlier relationships. My ex wife and previous girlfriend both said that often times I wasn't as attentive to their needs or didn't pick up signals they were sending out in regards to what they wanted or how they were feeling. Those relationships ended for much bigger reasons, but that feeling of being so out of tune really bothers me still. So when Miss H says even the most harmless thing, I automatically go into panic mode and assume that there is some huge underlying meaning behind it. This is especially true when it's anything related to sex or kink. One little, "I can't stay up super late tonight because I have to work tomorrow", and I'm packing up the strap-on before we've even finished eating our dinner and had a chance to get started with everything.

So we talked about that a lot and I'm really going to try to start letting go of those fears and insecurities and just go with the flow instead of swimming against the current. It's going to be hard to just follow an order when I think she will be unhappy because of it, or she's not really in the mood to do it, or whatever, but doing what I'm doing now isn't working and isn't viable in the long term. She told me last night before bed that she wanted me to write an essay explaining to her what it meant to me to be a submissive.

It sounded like a good idea, I could explain to her how it meant that as the submissive you *don't* know what the Dom has in mind and you don't know what she has planned, so by trying to "fix" a problem you think is there when it really isn't is not your responsibility. It seems as though I should have taken that last sentence more to heart however. You see, I took a quick break after writing that last paragraph to ask Miss H a question about something totally unrelated. Before we finished I was so excited to tell her about this blog post and how I thought I had really learned something about how I could be a better submissive by listening to what we had talked about. I told her that I had combined her essay request with a blog post because I thought she would like a little background to go along with the essay so by combining the two she would find it much more interesting and insightful.

"Did I ask for a blog post or did I ask for a simple essay?", was her response.

I stood there feeling like a total asshole, here I was telling her how much I was going to try to change and yet once again I went out on my own instead of just doing what she asked. I wanted to crawl in a hole if for no other reason then to simply avoid her eyes meeting my own. I have a lot to learn and a lot of old baggage to get rid off. I only hope she takes comfort in the knowledge I am trying and want nothing more then to be the proper submissive she so rightfully deserves.

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