The day our FLR became real.

In the midst of this recent streak of medical issues, things have been tough for Miss H and I. I think I can speak for her when I say both have us have felt really out of sorts since our FLR relationship has been put on various stages of hold. We'd make attempts at restarting things but whether it was an argument, a new diagnosis and set of rules from my doctor, or one of us just not being in the mood, things have been on hiatus. As I said yesterday, it wasn't a "ripping apart the fabric of our relationship" type thing but it was definitely a small crack in the dam, or at least felt like it. I'm not going to rehash things I've already talked about in past posts, but suffice to say, the FLR was one of the best things we've ever done and was working beautifully for us when it was in full effect.

About a month and a half ago during a particularly trying week, Miss H and I got into a rather heated argument because she made several passing comments about wanting me to get better so we could finally get back to the FLR. I overreacted and initially got really upset and pissy about it. Here I am worried that I could have everything from a simple UTI to a case of testicular cancer, and all she can think about was when I'd be well enough to fuck her again? I know that's not what she meant but at the time it set me off. She was upset because she thought that I thought she didn't really care about my health, which wasn't the case by any means. I was mad and scared about what was going on with my scrotum so things went in a direction that they really shouldn't have.

It took me a while but something finally clicked in my head that made me feel better then just about anything I've ever felt before.

Since I first realized I was turned on by so many things that were kinky/fetish/alternative, I've always been hyper self conscious and nervous about it. I was ashamed about what I liked and it made things very difficult in virtually all aspects of my sex life. Even when I was by myself, as soon as I would cum I would immediately feel horrible and guilty about what I had jerked off to, what I was wearing, etc I would then proceed to toss the clothes or what ever as soon as I had managed to get back into my regular "guy" clothes and get that "perverted filth" into the nearest trash can.

I guess I was super lucky in the sense that in my first real relationship, my now ex wife was very understanding initially about my fetishes. It took a long time but eventually I came out of my shell to some degree and I started to explore some new things with a slightly lesser degree of shame and self hate. Of course it ended badly and most of the negative feelings came rushing back soon after. I thought lightning must have struck twice when my next girlfriend was also very cool with my kinks. My luck didn't last though and it ended up crashing and burning just like before. Surprisingly, in both cases the kink wasn't the cause of the actual break up, but both made it clear that it didn't help and neither really enjoyed it that much in the long run.

Both of  these events made me feel even more alone and less trusting of people. At one point I even went online looking for a male Master. Not necessarily because I wanted to be with a guy sexually, but at least a random guy online was not going to bullshit around. If they say they want to meet up with a sissy transvestite then that's what they really want, unlike a girlfriend who was only saying she liked it to make you happy. There was a real sense of relief and piece of mind knowing that someone was being completely honest with what they wanted and what they wanted from me.

When I met Miss H it didn't take to long before I told her about all my kinks. I was amazed when she was not only accepting but actually kind of into them too. Shortly after that out sex life began to get more and more fetish related and experimental., eventually leading up to our FLR that has only recently been in a holding pattern. I was thrilled that Miss H seemed so open and interested in my fetishes but I could never shake the feeling that she was only into them because either she was worried I would leave her if she didn't, or she was simply doing them to make me happy. Miss H is a total pleaser and goes out of her way to make people happy (except of course when it comes to letting me cum ;) so it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine her feeling as if it was her "duty" to try to make me happy in order to strengthen our relationship as a couple.

She constantly tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case and that she really did enjoy everything we did, but no matter what I could never fully believe her. That doubt in the back of mind always made me hold back a little, to never really enjoy things as much as I could, to always put that strong facade out just in case she didn't actually like my kinks. I'd try to play down how much I liked things, that way when she would eventually get around to telling me she was only doing this for my benefit I would have an excuse to protect myself. I could play it off like it was just something that I was goofing around with, not something that was an integral part of who I am.

Then it happened.

I started to think about it. Miss H starting asking about the FLR not even a couple of days after we first started a medical break. In some form or another she asked about it or mentioned things about it many, many times since then. If she really didn't want a true FLR this would be a perfect way out. We could take a "break" and it wouldn't be her fault, she was just doing what the Dr. suggested. Then even if the Dr. eventually said it was ok to resume things, she could easily say she didn't want to because she was worried about how it might affect my health. It was the ultimate get out of jail free card for her and not only did she not take it, she did the exact opposite. She wanted to get back into it as soon as possible. It was that mental break through that made me really reevaluate everything.

I'm not going to sit her and lie and say I'm not positive she loves the kinks we engage in and that if we broke up she'd be dying to find another guy that was a sissy into diapers, bondage, humiliation, etc but it did bring about a whole new level of comfort and commitment to our FLR. Now why exactly is Miss H so into our FLR? I think the sex and the kink are obviously a big part but I think she enjoys the emotional connection we have when we're in the zone as well as it provides a way to level us out and take what was almost a lesser role in our pre-FLR vanilla relationship into a much more domineering one in the FLR (due to a few personal/family issues that I'm not going to get into here).

I'm probably just over analyzing things (and more then likely rather badly at that) but what ever the reason, I do now honestly think that Miss H is not only serious about the FLR but *actually* does it because she enjoys it and gets something out of it too, as opposed to just trying to keep me happy and that's pretty major for me.

It's a pretty great feeling.

Still up in the air.

After weeks of trying different things and multiple doctor visits, I seem to be back just where I started. What was originally prostatitis, then became diagnosed as epididymitis, which as of my most recent Dr. visit was now changed to Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome. CPPS is, according to my doctor, sort of a catch all phrase that encompasses just about any type of symptom/pain in the pelvic region that the medical community can't figure out the cause of. He said it might be caused by stress or a sports type injury I didn't realize or who knows what else. He told me basically that I probably just need to chill out, relax, and because the pain I'm experiencing isn't out of control, just basically forget about it and move on. Maybe if the pain gets worse he'll order an ultrasound.

Nice.

Well, that's just unacceptable to me. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't explain the full level of our kinky sex life (chastity, tease and denial, etc) in completely graphic detail, but I mentioned enough where he got the general idea. Even if I didn't, chronic pain over weeks and months should garner more concern then essentially saying that it's all in my head and take a few ibuprofen when you need it. I'm in the process of beginning to look for a urologist in the hopes that their expertise in the matter might find a solution to the problem. Hopefully I can get a referral from my current Dr. but if not then screw it, I'll pay out of pocket if I have to.

In the mean time, Miss H and I have decided to slowly but surely return to our regular FLR lifestyle full time that seems to have taken a spot on the back burner over the past few weeks and months.  The chastity cage has returned since the beginning of the week, although a minor pain flair up yesterday at work has me taking a short hiatus (just to be on the safe side). My toes are back to being painted full time and full body shaving is now back to normal. We're trying to ease back into things, and it's already a much better mood around the house. In the past seven days or so there's been a dramatic difference in how we interact with each other both physically and emotionally. Less arguing, more intimate, and definitely more of a loving couple then a roommates kind of vibe going on.

It's not that we've been going at each others throats or being totally asexual, it's just that it was starting to feel like we weren't connecting like we had been. After enjoying the passion, excitement, and closeness of over a year in a full on FLR, this vanilla, "your average suburban couple" type thing felt very weird for both of us. It's good to be getting back into things.

Healing

Not a lot of news of the kink front, Miss H and I are still keeping things kind of mellow as we wait out the current medical condition. I got my lab work back from the Dr. about a week ago and there was no bacterial infection that they could find so while that's good, it doesn't explain the cause of the epididymitis. I'm scheduled to go back in a few days for a follow up with my primary care doctor and at this point I'm assuming he'll either try to put me on a multi week dose of anti-biotic just to ensure there isn't an infection of some sort hiding out in a remote location or a referral to a urologist for more tests or what not.

Miss H and I have had sex (of the actual intercourse variety) several times since all of this started but its been kind of nerve racking on my part at least because I can't seem to really enjoy things because I'm constantly in medical mode trying to analyze what's happening while we're in the middle of things. Is there any pain in my scrotum? Does it feel any different when I thrust hard verses softly entering her? When I'm cumming does it hurt? Is the force great or less then it usually is? It feels like I'm kind of observing things from afar as opposed to being in the moment and enjoying it.

Thankfully there haven't really been any major problems or pain pop up (although, of course, today I'm a little sore after being fine for a few days) so I'm thinking of asking Miss H to see if she's interested in possibly, slowly, ramping things up again and see how that works out. Then after I see the Dr. and hopefully get the all clear, really returning to how things use to be even if that's initially at a much slower pace until things are totally healed up.

Update

In my last post I mentioned that it seemed I had prostatitis. Well after doing a bit more research on my own and getting a second opinion, it seems as though The earlier diagnosis was incorrect and in fact it appears to be a case of epididymitis. To make a long story short that's an inflammation of some tubes in the testicles. It seems to be a very minor case of it, which is good, but it's still a pain in the butt because sex is temporarily off the table. I'm going in for a more in depth urinalysis sometime in the next few days which should help determine whether it's bacterial based, and therefore will be treated with antibiotics, or caused by something else. Until the results are back I'm supposed to hold off on any and all sexual activity whether it be masturbating or anything with Miss H.

Right now I'm worried about whether the epididymitis may have somehow been caused by the constant edging/tease and denial/chastity play we've been engaged in and enjoying for the past year or so. I'm going to try and do some investigating online and see what I can come up with while I'm waiting for things to heal. It's kind of scary to think that something both Miss H and I liked so much might be no longer a viable way of life is kind of a big blow and an issue we definitely need to sit down and talk about. I really hope we will be able to find a way to keep on doing what we were doing and finally get back into our FLR groove.

The dick is cursed.

You know for someone who's not even 40 yet, I sure do seem to have a lot of health issues related to the cock. Most of the time it's just various scrapes, bruises, and other assorted injuries from an overly aggressive sex life, but this time it was something I didn't expect. Prostatitis. Or at least that's what my own extensive self diagnosis (thank you Google) has led me to believe. Basically I was getting some minor pressure and discomfort that would occasionally crop up during or sometime after an extensive session of tease and denial from Miss H.

Basically what was happening was all that tease and denial with no release was causing a lot of pressure to build up in the area near the prostate. That pressure would normally be released from ejaculation or from teasing that wasn't happening multiple times a day, virtually every day for weeks. The prostate gets annoyed and starts giving you problems ranging from painful ejaculation to trouble peeing. Luckily for me my only symptoms were, like I said, just some amount of pressure in the area that just didn't feel right.

I was a little to embarrassed to mention all the tease and denial stuff to the Dr. (I know, I should have), so he kind of just mentioned possible prostatitis and prescribed some antibiotics because he thought it was probably bacterial in nature. Miss H has kindly allowed me to fully cum multiple times recently to kind of "clear out the pipes" and hopefully help fix things. She's been very understanding about the whole thing and we're slowing things down a bit until things get better. So far things seem to be proceeding nicely, no real pain or complications, and I finished the antibiotics yesterday. With any luck we'll be back in the swing of things in no time ;)

Two nights of fun.

The past two nights have been the most fun I've had sexually in a while. Nothing major was pre-planned, the two of us just decided to relax and just "see what happens", knowing full well a good amount of kink of fun was in store in some form or another. Trash TV on in the background, a few bottles of adult beverages freshly opened, and all night to do what ever we wanted. There are to many things we dabbled in to fit into one blog post so I'm just going to hit a few of my personal highlights -

1) Being dressed in my go to slut outfit, a micro short, shiny silver club dress with white garters and stockings, and my 6" white platforms. No makeup or wig, other then polish on my fingers and toes. I stayed dressed like that the majority of both nights and it was awesome. The best part was around 11pm we started to see lightning outside (this was the night of that big storm here in the mid atlantic area). Miss H asked if my car windows were closed because it was going to rain soon. "No, they're down about an inch or so", I replied. "Well, you better hurry up and put them up before the rain comes", was her smug reply. I started to voice some opposition about having to get changed and not wanting to get back into boy clothes. "I never said I was going to let you change", she quipped and pointed to the front door. Thanks to probably one to many shots I barely even argued, just got up and walked to the door.

While we don't live on Broadway or anything, there are still enough cars going by and people sitting outside on a hot night to make this a bit of a risky proposition. I poked my head out the front door and seeing as how the coast looked clear I started briskly walking the two hundred feet or so to my car, my heels clacking away on the concrete with every step. I was to nervous to look around to see if anybody had spotted me so I kept my head forward and made a bee line for the car. I did was needed to be done and then high tailed it back inside. Miss H watched the whole thing from our front door, smiling as her lingerie clad sissy marched out in public, just yards away from all of our neighbors. I'm not sure what I would have done if someone had seen me, but luckily that didn't happen.

That particular task that Miss H made me complete was both extremely scary and a huge turn on at the same time. I guess you could consider it sort of a "mean" task because it didn't really bring about any pleasure, it's sole purpose was to scare and potentially seriously embarrass me. Strangely though the "meaner" Miss H is the more I feel she loves me. When she's "nice", I can't help but feel she's just indulging my fantasies. But when out of the blue she pushes my limits and does something cruel and unexpected, then somehow that translates to me that we're on the same wave length sexually and she's just as much into being kinky as I am. Like, the FLR is our thing that we share equally and by being dominant and vicious she's just reinforcing that dynamic. The more I become submissive, the more she becomes dominant, it's our relationship's method of maintaining homeostasis.

2) Last night after getting into some tease and denial for a while, Miss H wanted to take a small break. Not stop any sexual activity entirely, but just take a pause to grab another drink or two and just relax before getting back into things. I on the other hand was nothing but a raging hardon so the whole concept was just bizarre to me. I tried snuggling up to her, rubbing her breasts gently, hoping to get her back in the mood, but she seemed more intent on doing other things. She put up with it for a few minutes before basically telling me to back off, and leave her alone. Of course that kind of bitchy attitude (which she normally doesn't have in more vanilla times) only causes me to get that much hornier. "No. Wait", she said as I was starting to roll over in bed to my side. "I've got a better idea, go get your fleshlight", she said.

I shot over to the closet and returned with the fake pussy masturbator. She was already sitting up in bed as she unscrewed the cap of the toy and held it up in front of her so I could squirt some lube in it. She then held it down by her side like she was holding a TV remote or something, firm grip but very nonchalant about it. "Well, what are you waiting for", she said with an almost angry tone in her voice. As I quickly rolled back against her and slid the cock between the folds of the silicone sleeve, I saw her grab the actual remote with her other hand and begin checking the on screen guide to see what was on TV. At first I thought she was being so inattentive as a way to belittle and humiliate me (she knows I love that with a passion), but after the first few minutes passed and she seemed completely uninterested in dealing with me what so ever, I became equally mortified and completely aroused. Here was her soon to be husband, dressed in women's clothes, furiously pumping into a fake pussy just inches from her and she was completely oblivious to anything other then the episode of Bridezilla's which happened to be on. The feeling of rejection was deep, almost physical, as five minutes turned into fifteen, which turned into half and hour, and before I realized it, almost a whole hour had passed, and then it was only  over because Miss H stopped because her wrist was getting sore from holding the Fleshlight. Emotionally I felt horrible, like Miss H was utterly disgusted by me, yet once again, no matter how much I felt emotionally battered and on the verge of tears, the cock betrayed me my darkest desires, for it stayed hard and dripping the entire time, desperate to cum, desperate to finally earn release.

Diaper Chastity

Miss H has been battling some form of strep throat/virus/bubonic plague on and off for weeks now. It gets almost completely better then suddenly the sore throat and general feelings of fatigue, aches, etc kick right back in. We seem to be in the midst of another outbreak, this time her doctor saying it's a virus and not strep. So anyway to make a long story short she has been a trooper but she really isn't feeling quite up to snuff. Last night, as usual, I was straining in my cock cage from being overly horny. I started massaging Miss H all over and occassionaly rubbing up against her with some dry humping on her leg. She always seems to get some amusement from this and gently rubs my head while I slide against her fully clothed leg like a dog in heat.

I think she just likes to screw with me because I can never tell what her true intentions are. I'll be rubbing against her and gently playing with her nipples and she'll just continue on reading a magazine like I don't even exist. I start to feel guilty like I'm just being overly needy and hounding her so I back off. I'll start to calm down and then a few minutes later out of the blue she'll roll over next to me in bed and start whispering the dirtiest fantasies I can imagine into my ear. I instantly get all charged up again and try to start something with her once more. She might continue, teasing the cock through my shorts with a few strokes before dismissing me with a, "I'm bored with you, that's all for tonight". I'll try to do as she asks even though I'm leaking pre-cum every where by this time and groaning in pain as the CB-6000 cock cage clamps down tight around me. She might continue on like this for the next hour or so or, she might just roll over and go to sleep that very minute. 

By the end of the night I was practically delirious I was so horny. If Miss H made even the most subtle sexual comment or just lightly touched my leg with her beautiful toes, I was off like a rocket to snuggle up with her and try to put my hands on every inch of her sexy body. At some point I guess she had enough of me following her around like a little puppy needy for attention so she told me to flat out roll onto my side of the bed, go to sleep, and not try to touch her again. She was in no mood for any more of my fumbling sexual advances. I don't remember exactly what I said, probably just complaining and asking for more attention from her, when she finally got fed up. "I guess I'm not going to get any sleep or will you as long as you want me to touch that little clit of yours", she said. "I suppose the only answer is to put you in a diaper to keep it safely tucked away so no one will be able to touch it anymore tonight." I immediately started back tracking, telling her not to worry, I would leave her completely alone now that I realize she wasn't in the mood to play any more. "No, no it's to late for that. I like that idea, go get your diapers for me", was her only reply.

When I'm pretty deep in subspace, the thought of diapers just sends me through the roof. When we're just kind of chilling out in bed as vanilla couple though, it's a bit different. I don't hate the idea of diapers but the humiliation they arise in me, especially in front of Miss H, makes them a much less enjoyable experience. Two minutes before bed and having pretty much calmed down from anticipating there wouldn't be any more fun to be had is not exactly the perfect mind set for the embarrassment I feel of getting diapered in front of Miss H. Within minutes I was getting my regular diaper ensemble ready, a pullup, extra liner insert, thick plastic ultra absorbency diaper, duct tape to run around the top to keep things nice and tight, and pair of plastic panties. All of which hidden beneath my regular shorts and t-shirt that I normally wear to bed.

I assumed the new rules Miss H implemented the last time she diapered me were still in effect and I was right. Any time I had to pee during the night I was to wake up Miss H and ask for her permission and then do it while I stood up in front of her. I was only allowed to take off the diaper once I had peed before taking my morning shower before work. If I had not peed then I wouldn't be allowed out of it and would have to wear it to work and keep it on until I had. Not wanting that to happen I drank some water before bed, a *lot* of water, just to be safe. I would soon regret that.

The first time I woke up was around 2 in the morning. I didn't really want to wake up Miss H because I knew she wasn't feeling well but at the same time I didn't want to disregard a direct order so I did as she asked. It didn't take long but the mental burn of standing there wearing a diaper and asking permission from the woman you love to be allowed to piss yourself was rough. Thank god the lights were off and it was dark because some times she makes me look her in the eyes when I'm peeing and that just kills me. Anyway, the diaper was soon warm and full but not really wet as the inner material seemed to wick most of it away. I fell back asleep quickly and hoped that would be the last time.

It wasn't.

Around 5am I woke up again and had to repeat the whole process once more. Then again a third time just as I was getting up to take a shower. That time I did it myself alone in the bathroom because technically I had followed her orders as far as peeing before taking my shower went. When I finally did cut off the diaper I noticed not only that I was still surprisingly dry (probably could have gone an entire day if I had too) but that the cock was fully hard and dripping pre-cum like a leaky garden hose. Here's a picture I snapped when I was finished.

Being forced to wear the diaper was hot, but the thing I enjoyed the most was just the sheer spontaneity of it. We hadn't planned anything for that night and in fact her diapering me was probably more to shut me up and give her some time to sleep then it was to try and get me off, and that's what's the biggest turn on, having a beautiful, dominant woman, who is just as comfortable diapering me to keep me quite as she is picking up a prescription at Walgreen's. The fact that things like this are becoming interwoven into the fabric of our daily lives and not just a "game" we play on the occasional weekend, is more awesome then I can really put into words. Life is good.