Fear, turn on, or both?

I personally don't spend all that much time on YouTube but every now and then I skim though and see if I can find anything interesting. I happened to be looking for sissy videos, what a surprise, and found a video called "Sissy Maid dress leaving hotel and getting in taxi" which you can watch yourself  here. The title pretty much says it all, there's no nudity or anything overly sexual about it but I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was like watching a car crash, I couldn't look away no matter how much I wanted to.

A guy totally made up and wearing a pink sissy dress and heels simply leaves his hotel room and with video camera rolling travels down to the ground floor of the hotel, goes outside and catches a cab.  There's nothing wrong with the guy but he's obviously not trying to hide the fact of what's going on. It's one thing to dress in some nice subdued business casual type womens wear, quite another to wear a pure sissy outfit that is designed specifically to get people's attention.

The minute he opens his room door my heart starts racing because I can totally see myself in his cute little shoes (and have done things very similar in the past). He seems so calm in the video but I'm starting to freak out just watching this. My biggest fear is people making fun of me and thinking I'm a loser or something yet at the same time sexual humiliation is one of my biggest turn ons so these polar opposites have a tendency to mess with me emotionally.

Anyway, so I'm equal parts getting ready to go into a panic attack and dripping precum all inside my panties while the video plays on. Before long the empty hallways and elevators lead to a suddenly crowded hotel lobby and I can suddenly feel myself breathing much quicker, in short little bursts, as my body tenses up even more. You can hear people in the crowd say things but the guy keeps strutting on without missing a beat. I don't know why I'm getting so anxious but I cant help it and my cock is rock hard and twitching away as the video ends. It was a weird rush but the combination of terror and turn on was a winner and I wanted more. A few clicks later and found this one and especially this one which had my stomach in knots as a different sissy goes shopping.

Miss H knows I get off on public humiliation and just about any other type of humiliation for that matter, so when I sent her the link to the video she was quick to tease and threaten me about it. We're going to Vegas in October and she mentioned that it might be fun to try something like that and make our own video while we're there. Who knows if she'll actually go through with it, but I can already feel my blood pressure ticking upwards.

A maid for the maid?

When Miss H and I first started discussing engaging in a Female Led Relationship, one of the things that really excited me was the thought that I would truly be the submissive and lower ranking member of the relationship, not just in a sexual manner but in just about every aspect. For instance we talked about how I would take a much more service oriented/slave role to Miss H in terms of things like doing the housework, running errands for her, pampering her, etc. This seemed like it would be a win/win for both of us. Miss H is busy with a ton of things and doesn't have time to take care of a lot of the day to day activities like doing the dishes that have to be done in order to keep a household running. I on the other hand usually have a bit more flexible schedule and free time so it would be much easier for me. Not only that, being her maid had a bunch of other "perks" for me as well.

From a sexual stand point, doing what ever it is that Miss H commands really helps put me in the submissive, attentive mindset that she enjoys. With a "honey, could you do the laundry when you get a chance?", I feel like I have a say in the matter and that we're kind of on the same level. When it's "Sissy, make sure the laundry is done by the time I get home. No excuses", then I immediately know what I have to do and there isn't any other choice. It just really reenforces her superior status above me and keeps everything running smoothly in our relationship. There's no anger that I'm being lazy, or not pulling my fair share, she says what she wants done and I happily do it. Perfect, huh?

The problem is, and to be honest it's not a problem, but more of an observation, problem is probably a misstatement, but the issue is that I feel like Miss H doesn't really take advantage of what she has available to her. Let me explain, this week I've had a lot of extra time off from work so I told Miss H I was planning on doing a lot around the house so if there was anything she needed to just let me know. She didn't have much, which was fine, so I took care of it then did some other chores around the house. Today I was off again and she mentioned that she had some prescriptions to pickup from Walgreens that I could pick up if I had time (and to txt her if I couldn't so she could on her way home from work) and that if I was going to a certain farm market near our house to get her some of this special chicken salad she liked, but only if I felt like getting it.

I appreciate the fact that she was being considerate (Miss H's personality type is a real pleaser and non confrontational if at all possible), but in the back of my mind I'm thinking we just got back in the swing of the FLR so why not take advantage of it? If you want certain things done, tell me what you want and I'll take care of it. If I told her I had bought her the services of a personal assistant for a month, would she be so reluctant to use him/her for what they were supposed to do?

I realize it sounds like I'm complaining and trying to top from the bottom, but in reality I feel like I'm just trying to let her know what she has. It's like I bought her a 60" 3D HDTV and she's perfectly content watching an old black and white movie over standard cable. I'm not telling her what to watch, just showing her what features she can choose to use if she would like ;)

Also, it might seem odd to post this here instead of just talking with her one on one but for some reason it's hard to bring up stuff like this in person. I never seem to get my point across properly so writing it down helps me keep things in order and more coherent. Plus posting it to the blog helps in another manner, if I am acting like a dick or 100% right about about certain things I usually get comments or messages clearly telling me one way or the other, which is a nice way to get an unbiased, outsiders opinion on things.

A day off equals a day of fun.

Today was an unexpected day off for me which was a pleasant surprise. This time last week I figured I'd be trudging away at work, patiently counting the minutes till Friday night so Miss H and I could have a night together. Luck worked in my favor though and here I was with a whole day off to myself. Miss H knew I would be out running errands this morning so when I got this text message I figured something was up -

"Let me know when you get home".

I got back from my final trip of the day, a stop at Target, and texted her I was home.

"I just sent you an email", was her followup.

I zipped onto my laptop and read her message. It wasn't long, just about five bullet points, but it basically said that I needed to get dressed in an outfit of my choice, with makeup, wig, etc and that I was allowed to masturbate for a total of 90 minutes broken up any way I wanted till 3pm. I was also to finish up any of the indoor chores that I had already been planning on doing, just now they would be done while en femme.

Its been a while since I did my own makeup so I wasn't really pleased with the results, hence no full body/face shots, but I've posted a few pics of the start of the morning. It's about 1:30pm EST as I write this so I have time to get into some other naughty things before I have to get changed back at 3pm, so you'll have to excuse me. I'll try to post the rest of the pics tomorrow or the day after.

So I think I just milked myself.

Ok, here's the situation, I was off of work today because we were having a guy come out to look at our water heater. He wasn't coming till at least noon so Miss H wanted me dressed in some nice panties, a bra, and a butt plug. Here's what that looked like -

I was allowed to masturbate but obviously not to cum. So after an extended period of edging myself over and over I decided to finally put the plug in. It took a minute to go in even with plenty of lube because its been a while since there has been anything in my ass (guess I need some more practice/training...). Once it was in I just groaned, it felt so good to be filled up and plugged again. My cock was already hard and twitching from playing with it earlier but it seemed to get even stiffer with the plug in. I knew better then to touch my little cock when I had a plug in because that would virtually guarantee an accident and I would end up cumming all over the place.

I wanted to be gentle so instead of fucking myself with the plug in and out like it was a dildo, I merely pushed on the base softly and in sort of a clockwise motion for maybe 20-30 seconds without touching myself at all.

 Then it happened.

Something I had never fully experienced before. I felt a soft flow of liquid out of my penis and into the sink I was standing in front of. It had the consistency of pre-cum but was slightly cloudier. I know what some people might be thinking, it was nothing more then a minor orgasm or ruined orgasm, but that wasn't it at all. I've had "accidents" where I've cum while trying to hold it in and plenty of ruined orgasms and this was different. There were no muscle contractions or feelings of forcefully ejecting anything. It just sort of spilled out on it's own. There were none of the usual stages, the build up, the feeling of being about to cum, the relaxation after ejaculating, none of that. 

Furthermore there was definitely one other major difference, as soon as I was done there was absolutely no post orgasm crash. Normally the minute I cum I want jump out of what ever outfit I'm wearing and watch ESPN or mow the lawn, or anything else to avoid the shame and embarrassment of thinking about whatever kinky, sissy thing I had just moments before been enjoying so much. This time, nothing changed at all. If anything I felt hornier.I guess that even though I hadn't been trying to, I had managed to massage my prostate enough to milk it into releasing some of the excess seminal fluid that had been building up into a massive reservoir inside me thanks to all the edgings without orgasm or ejaculation.

Now who knows if I'll ever be able to do it again, it just might have been one of those things were the stars were aligned correctly and luck was in the air, but it was a real eye opener this morning. Makes me wonder if I should try one of those prostate massager toys or maybe not give up so quick on cumming/getting milked when I'm being fucked by a dildo. Only time will tell.

Like night and day.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post this past Friday night was our first toe dip back into that great big pool of kink. It started like most of our kinky nights go, relaxing in the bedroom having a drink or two of our favorite adult beverages while watching some TV before the action starts to heat up. I don't know about Miss H, but I was much more calm about things then I expected to be after having such a huge amount of sexual downtime. I was by no means relaxed but I wasn't freaking out like I thought I might. Even when Miss H told me to get dressed it wasn't an overly big deal, sure I cringed a bit while standing naked before her as she watched me put on the garter belt and stockings, but it was manageable.

Then all of a sudden things just clicked and it felt so normal, so right, once more. We were back on track again and I could feel our proper roles sliding back into where they should be. Miss H wasn't overly demanding or cruel (which I kind of missed) but she had a renewed air about her, like the captain of a ship back at the helm and in control.

We cuddled, she allowed me to be inside of her for a while, without being allowed to cum of course, and I eagerly licked her pussy like a maniac. It was really awesome, a new beginning if you will, I know it sounds overly dramatic but our FLR plays such a *HUGE* part of keeping things running smoothly in our relationship. It provides the answer to so many needs and wants we both have, and I'm glad it's back.

Here's a few pics from when we were done and Miss H diapered me up for bedtime -

And so it begins. Again.

What started as a "slow" few weeks of not getting kinky some how transformed into a very extended period of no kink with little if any sex at all between Miss H and myself. It wasn't really one thing in particular that caused it, just various circumstances that seemed to constantly get in the way. On going issues with my epididymitis, work projects for Miss, etc. Suddenly it was, "you know we haven't had sex at all in like a month?", and it was kind of shocking to say the least. We're not an old couple that's been married for twenty five years and burned out on any type of physical contact, far from it, Miss H is always ready for fun and my sex drive when it's running at full speed is insane.

Earlier in the week we decided that needed to change, this past Friday would be the start of our FLR again, something that I had missed and I know Miss H was dying for. We had the night to ourselves with no other obligations so we could just relax and slip back into our previous kinky lives. I stopped and got a bottle of wine on the way home to help smooth the transition and any awkwardness from our vanilla day to day life back into the female led relationship that worked so well for us in the past.

To be totally honest about things, while I was excited and definitely ready for a little kink, it wasn't the "Christmas morning, right about to open presents" type of excitement that I used to have in the past. For that I take the blame, or more specifically I blame some excessive masturbation. Miss H used to forbid me from masturbating without her permission and had me locked in a metal chastity cage. I was edged almost nightly and it kept me on a level 10 horniness level virtually around the clock. Anything even remotely sexual (writing posts for this blog, tasks for Miss H, being dressed and getting made up, etc) could take hours and it wouldn't matter because all I could focus on was sex, kink, and Miss H.

When we had to take a break from that due to my health issues I got lazy.

 Really lazy.

Initially I wasn't masturbating or wearing the cage anyway because of the epididymitis but because we were playing it safe, all kink kind of stopped. We got out of the FLR groove and a month or so later I was in the bathroom about to take a shower when I felt kind of horny. I started thinking that if I wanted to masturbate why shouldn't I? Neither of us were in a particularly kinky mood (at least outwardly) and suddenly bringing up the topic of dressing or actually doing something about it would be awkward. Besides, I had plenty of things to do that day and didn't have time for anything in depth anyway.

So I did it.

I fired up Tumblr on my phone, jerked off like crazy and came all over the place. Most importantly, I also didn't tell Miss. H. In the past, before our FLR, Miss H never gave a shit if I jerked off or not. She's not one of these people who considers it cheating so she never even gave my masturbation habits a second thought. With an FLR though, it was another story. That little act of defiance, choosing to give my self pleasure instead of Miss H making the decision of when I receive pleasure, was big.

Normally in those rare instances when I was allowed to cum, Miss H would immediately get me back in the right head space by requiring me to drink my cum from a glass and then be diapered and dressed for the rest of the night regardless of how much I protested. She knew that my sex drive instantly crashed after orgasm and that any desire to continue as her proper sissy and act accordingly would go up in smoke. By re-enforcing the proper dynamic it wouldn't take long for me to quickly get back in the swing of things and be her dotting submissive in no time at all.

Now though, by masturbating (and cumming) by myself there was no system of checks and balances in place. If I got horny or bored I would just jerk off and it was the end of it, what ever kinky thoughts and needs entered my head could be taken care of quickly and discreetly without bothering Miss H. Unfortunately the more I did it in private, the less I talked to Miss H about anything kinky, the more self conscious I got about the kinks I love. I've always been very kinky but also very shy and embarrassed about them. When Miss H and I are in FLR mode then things are right as rain. When we aren't I get all nervous and ashamed and don't have an outlet for some of stuff that really turns me on. To remedy that I masturbate, which in the long run makes things worse because I use it as a crutch rather then deal with them head on with Miss H.

I masturbate which means I don't go and tell Miss H directly I want to dress and get kinky, which leads Miss H to think I'm not into the FLR or her anymore, which leads her to step back and cool off, which makes me think she's getting sick of dealing with my kinks so I retreat to the safety of doing things by myself, and then the whole thing repeats and gets worse with every cycle until the loop is broken.

That all changed this past Friday night and I couldn't be happier. More details soon.

All over the place.

I think I'm either hitting menopause (which is hard to do if you're a 37 year old man) or having a mid life crisis or perhaps just afflicted with seasonal affective disorder. For the past few weeks my hormones seem to be all whacked out. Miss H and I were in the middle of a nice almost two month long period of tease and denial with no orgasms and I was flying high, horny as hell, and generally loving life. Then all of a sudden I got a little bit of chafing on my penis and things just fell apart. We had to take a few days off to let my junk heal and then it just seemed like one thing after another kept popping up to keep us from getting back on track. I was exhausted from getting up early for work so I was falling asleep around 9pm for a while, then Miss H wasn't feeling good for a couple of nights, and so on and so on.

A few days ago Miss H seemed a bit perturbed with things and said something to the effect of us not having had sex or played around in nearly a month. I thought she was crazy at first, that was after all a super long time for us to go without any kind of adult time between us, but after thinking about it for a minute and doing a mental rundown of the calendar, she was absolutely right. I have no idea how that much time passed because it sure didn't seem like that long and the strangest thing was I don't even remember being that horny in that time either. I suppose the stress of day to day life mixed in with some extended bouts of lack of sleep can put the sex drive in neutral for a while.

Several days something just kind of kicked into gear again and I was back to being really horny. I don't know what it was, there was nothing I can put my finger on, but just like that the testosterone was flowing again and Miss H and I dove into one another like horny high school kids. Feeling her touch, her warmth, once again was incredible and rekindled a sense of sexual urgency once again inside me. She said we would definetly be getting back into the FLR again in a few days but for now she wanted me to cum as much as I wanted to, a kind of final hurrah before I'm on extended lockdown again. I'm excited about that but not sure how long that will actually last, she's off to visit a friend in upsate PA this weekend and when she comes back who knows if her mood will have changed and she'll be more interested in putting my cock in a cage instead of putting it inside her.