Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My own worst enemy

As I mentioned in a previous post, things between Miss H and I were a bit "off" the past week or so. I was being insubordinate and not doing what I should have been and Mistress just kept getting more and more upset about it which was resulting in a steady stream of nit-picking, hurt feelings, and a sense of disconnect. Thankfully Miss H and I have always been really good about communicating. If a problem does crop up its usually not long before we sit down and talk it out. Letting ugly feelings fester is of no benefit to anyone so we are pretty proactive in discussing things that need to be addressed.

The main issue was that Mistress felt as though once I had been allowed to cum this past week, my whole attitude shifted from obedient submissive slave to insensitive muscle head. To her credit, I think she was for the most part correct. When I'm in my submissive zone, all I want to do is go into super clingy mode, cuddling with her, making her feel good, and generally servicing her every whim. After I cum, for a short period of time afterwards I tend to get out of that mentality. It's not that I suddenly become an evil ogre, but instead of passionately giving her a kiss before I leave for work and gently sucking on her nipples on the way out, I just pop back in the bedroom for a quick "I love you" and a peck on the cheek. It's not a good attitude at all and I'm working on it but I don't always catch myself in time and naturally ( and rightfully so) Miss H feels like I'm neglecting her after I've had my fun.

I thought this was the main thing bothering her the other night when we sat down to talk. She told me how she didn't like how I wasn't being as affectionate this past week and much to my utter shock, her biggest concern was more about how I was neglecting the Principles of our FLR relationship then anything else. That might sound totally obvious to anyone reading this but it caught me off guard. You see, I understand that Miss H and I are in an FLR relationship. That's good, very good in fact, because that type of D/S type relationship is something I've always wanted since the first time I realized I was submissive, and while Miss H made it clear in a very straightforward way that she wanted it too, I never 100% believed that she was as into it as I was.

I'm a person of extremes, I don't get just my ears pierced, I get my scrotum, belly button, nipples, eye brows, lip, and anything else I can get a ring through, pierced. I don't want you to gently smack my butt, I want you to cane me until my ass is a sea of purple welts and bruises. So when Miss H isn't repeatedly beating, debasing, and abusing me I tend to get nervous that this is just further proof that she's not really into it as much as she says she is. That instead she's just simply doing it to please me and that makes me feel horribly guilty and uncomfortable.

So when she seemed to be just as concerned with the FLR/sexual aspect of our relationship as with the "regular" portion of our relationship, it was the first time I think I fully realized how serious she was about FLR. Miss H has told me countless times in the past that she's 100% committed to our new lifestyle and yet it never really sunk in until that moment. I feel like such an idiot for ever doubting her, I suppose it was just so hard to believe that I'm with a women that is not only ok with my kinks and fetishes, but actively wants to take it to another level, that I couldn't convince myself that what she was saying was actually the truth. I was afraid that if I ever fully gave in to that notion, I would only be devastated later when she eventually told me the truth about how she never really was into it.

The fear is gone, for the most part, and I'm diving in with both feet, for it's better to pursue your dreams and risk failure then to regret what could have been.

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