An epiphany

I know, that's an overused term. People say it all the time. I get it. That's not going to stop me from saying it though because I really feel like I did have a sort of an epiphany or, if you insist, a bit of a revelation today. I was literally standing in the bathroom checking my phone to see if I had any new email. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was reading a blog entry over at All Mine, which is with out a doubt one of my favorite blogs that I consistently follow.

First though let me take a minute to get you up to speed with the last few days. Friday night Miss H was pleasing, or torturing me, depending on your point of view, with an extended tease and denial session. Time after time she stroked me to the very edge of orgasm only to stop right before I would cum. I was thrashing around, desperately trying to tighten up and prevent myself from orgasming as her hand never seemed to stop playing with me. She told me in excruciating detail how I was to set up our metal dog cage first thing Saturday morning because she had something in store for me on Sunday. She was going to be nice and let me watch the Eagles game but the catch was I would be naked in the cage with her cock tied securely to the bars behind me and my hands tied above me. A large water bottle (the kind you would have for a rabbit cage) would provide something for me to drink after she attached it to the side of the cage. No doubt there would be other tortures to come, but just those that she mentioned were enough to keep me dripping pre-cum in a constant flow.

Fast forward to Saturday morning. We were going to a wedding for one of Miss H's friend and we were a little bit late getting up. So were already running a bit behind when I realized I had forgotten to add oil to my car like I meant to the day before. I was long overdue for an oil change so when I checked the dipstick I was nearly empty. I didn't want to take a six hour roundtrip drive with no oil so we would have to make an additional stop on the way. Between that, getting up late, and some other minor issues, I was in such a rush I totally forgot to set up the cage like Miss H asked. To make matters worse, I also forgot to put my CB-6000 cock cage back on and lock it up.

We ended up getting to the wedding in time and everything went pretty well. During dinner Miss H made a subtle joke about being in the cage tomorrow. I responded sort of negatively to the idea, I wasn't really in the sub zone at that particular moment and I almost remembered that I needed to get a few things done for work on Sunday also so naked in a cage didn't sound as comfy as relaxing on the couch and getting my work done.
She looked kind of taken back by my reply and even more so when I told her that the cage wasn't a good idea.

We changed the subject and we didn't say much else about it for the rest of the night. The mood between us was still good for the most part but I soon forgot about the whole cage thing again until Sunday morning. I woke up before Miss H and walked out into the living room. I wasn't really sure what to do, should I go ahead and put up the cage anyway even though I wasn't super excited about the idea or just let it go because Miss H hadn't mentioned it again since last night. I decided on the latter and got started on my work. Miss H got up a few hours later and the day was for the most part uneventful. She didn't say anything about the cage or anything kinky for that matter.

Now back to my quasi-epiphany, I was reading this blog entry on All Mine and read the following -

"...Those are the rules, whether I'm halfway around the world or sick in bed.  What happened yesterday can be viewed as an isolated incident but is most likely an indicator of a bigger problem.  Where else is she cutting corners?

This isn't a lifestyle where you weave in and out of at your convenience.  That's not the way I want it.  It takes a 100% commitment. We've had this conversation before and admittedly, I've agreed that there will be times when living the lifestyle completely is difficult, and I'm totally understanding of that.  There are also times when I willfully cut sissy more slack and give her more free time.  Yesterday wasn't one of those times."

That's when it kind of hit me. To often I like to "play the role" when it suits me, when I'm horny or when I want to dress, and when I'm not in the mood, I tend to shut things down. When I'm horny, no amount of work projects can get in the way of me sucking on Miss H's toes, but when I'm not in the sub zone the slightest vanilla task becomes an insurmountable task that requires my undivided attention.

I constantly tell Miss H that I would love for her to be as cruel as she wants, to take full control over all aspects of our lives, to fully make me her submissive sissy bitch, yet get upset when she doesn't. Now I used to, very selfishly, assume the problem was Miss H wasn't being dominate enough. Sure, I was being bratty by not listening to her sometimes but that's only because she wasn't being strict enough to control me in the proper manner. 

Maybe it was the whole "I can't see the forest through the trees" type thing, but it wasn't until I read that passage from Suzanne that I realized it takes two to tango. A perfect Dom/sub relationship works when both parties are doing their respective jobs. A good slave is a slave that does what he or she is supposed to and that's please their Dom. If Miss H tells me to do a certain task I should do it regardless if she's standing over me with a whip and beating me senseless or simply at home by myself doing something she emailed me about last night. 

It should be a yin and yang type relationship where Miss H is there to provide guidance and correction when I need it and I'm there to please her. Like any machine, when one part isn't working properly, things don't run the way they should. There will no doubt be times (probably quite frequently) where Miss H will need to provide discipline or punishment for things I do but my only motivation shouldn't be to avoid punishments, the reward of serving her should be an equal if not greater push to do what's right. 

It won't necessarily be easy because as much as I love Miss H and want to see her satisfied, I personally get off sexually on her being cruel, completely controlling, and dishing out constant punishments and humiliations. I know I sound like a selfish prick and I do need to act much differently. I am however glad that at least I've finally realized that I do want a full 24/7 FLR relationship with Miss H and that's going to mean doing things when I'm not in the mood to and putting her wishes in front of my own in a lot of situations. I have to be proactive and be a good slave. If Miss H says do XYZ then that's what I need to do regardless if I can "get away with" not doing it or whether or not she's monitoring every little thing I do.