Diapers, along with feeling quite good, are like a laser beam right to the part of my brain that processes both sexual enjoyment and feelings of embarrassment, hitting both of them simultaneously. The nervous rush of adrenaline you might get when speaking in front of a large audience comes crashing over me like a wave when I have to wear a diaper, it's just that now it comes mixed with an equally large degree of sexual excitement as well. The same could be said for any number of other humiliating things Miss H likes to make me do, but often times diapers are the quickest, most efficient, and direct route Miss H has to turning me into a almost crying puddle of shame.
Last night she made me ask her to wear a diaper to bed, the asking part was just an additional humiliation for me, we both knew I wanted to wear them, I just hate having to ask for them out loud. So during the process of putting them on, which Miss H always makes sure to watch, the awkwardness and shame of putting them on is horrible. I feel idiotic and embarrassed, there's no "scene" going on, it's just the two of us watching TV until she decides it's time to put on the diaper. That jarring break from "normal" to "kink" is shocking yet exciting. The crushing anxiety I feel in my chest as I feel her eyes watching me putting it on is almost physically painful. I definitely don't feel turned on at this point yet somehow I always have a raging hardon that is leaking precum all over the place.
Soon after the diaper is on and secured underneath some pretty plastic panties we kind of get back into our regular routine and I almost forget about the fact that I'm wearing it. It's those times that Miss H's cruel barbs sting the most. For instance I'll be in the kitchen making a snack when she will walk by and gently pat my now padded crotch and softly laugh, or lean over on the couch while we're watching something on tv and gently whisper into my ear "how's my little cock sucking diaper bitch doing?". That sudden jolt of unexpected humiliation makes me both wet and shaking from embarrassment at the same time.
Miss H revels in my humiliation, her amusement was on full display this morning when before work she made it a point to have me stand before her and pee in the diaper before she left. I was desperately holding it, hoping that I could somehow hold it for just a little while longer, just until she had finally left the house. I honestly didn't think she remembered I was even wearing the diaper, she seemed rushed so I just assumed she would grab her lunch and be out the door thus saving me the shame of wetting my diaper while she was still around. In true Miss H fashion though she wouldn't leave before first reminding me I was wearing that thick padded diaper, then ordering me to stand right in front of her and take care of business. I couldn't even look her in the face, I just hung my head in shame and did what I was ordered. I was actually literally shaking a bit, I was so embarrassed to be doing this in front of her while she watched.
I always want to impress Miss H and put my best foot forward. I want her to be happy to be with me and absolutely hate looking stupid in front of her. I quietly curse myself every time I get a question wrong when we watch Jeopardy because I don't want her to think I'm not intelligent. I panic if I think my abs don't look as tight as they used to because I want her to find me attractive. Yet at the same time the more I humiliate myself in front of her, the bigger the rush of sexual pleasure I seem to get. It's emotionally crushing yet sexually exciting like nothing else.
Damn, I just looked at the clock to see what time it was, I totally went off on a tangent today and now I'm late. I had seriously intended to write about the task Miss H assigned me, which is related to diapers btw, but got kind of off course and now I have to get back to a few work related things I need to take care of. I'll get part 2 of this post up hopefully tomorrow. Until then...