New writing assignment

Every now and then Miss H will give me a particular topic she wants me to blog about. Sometimes it's just to get some new posts up (I get a bit busy, or more specifically, a bit lazy with writing new posts on occasion), and other times it's more of a therapeutic thing. We'll have an issue that causing friction between us on some level and being someone who can often be rather tight lipped with their emotions and feelings, I kind of clam up and shut down any attempt at a discussion to work things out. It's not my best personality trait, and I try to work on it, but it has an ugly tendency to rear up and get in the way of things.

Over the past two weeks or so Miss H have been like a little old married couple. We love each other but any sexual enthusiasm has been sputtering. There have been the usual factors, stress at work, "family" type worries and minor issues, and just the general hustle and bustle of the holiday season. It's not like it was one event, that caused it or was keeping it going, it just seems like it was a whole parade of things that just had the worst possible timing at every turn.

First I got a wicked stomach bug at work that put me totally out of commission for three or four days. Then a close family member got it from me so Miss H and I spent a good deal of time taking care of them. Miss H was teetering on the edge of getting it for several days, she was run down and tired and was dangerously close to getting a full on "wraith of god" type bug until she too finally succumb to it herself a few days ago. Between all the puking and wishing for death, sex or kink isn't high on the priority list so it took a back seat. This unfortunately came after an earlier sex dry spell we had so it had the added effect of magnifying our lack of play and making our sex life rather dead and boring.

 

To make matters worse, I think I'm getting a touch of SAD, or seasonal affective disorder. I'm not usually a hypochondriac but for some reason it just seems like every winter until about mid-march I just feel like I'm constantly in a total funk. Once the spring and nice weather returns I'm back and full of energy but until then these early sunrises are killing me. The dark mornings and dark nights just make me want to crawl up into a ball on the sofa and not move again until the weather improves. I should take a hint from the groundhogs and just hibernate until April.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being overly dramatic.There have been plenty of times in the past weeks that I've not only been in the mood to get kinky with Miss H but downright rabid dog type horny, but it's like our sexual moods are always just on different calendars. When I'm horny, she's not feeling well, when she's horny, I'm exhausted from a rough day at work. When we're both horny a family issue will pop up and suck the time right away from us. We need like a week off from work and life to just recalibrate and get our sex drives back in the same gear.

I know I love her and find her incredibly sexy and I hope she feels the same about me so I'm not really worried that there's any core problem we have to work on, I think it's just making an effort to find time and the right head space to get back into doing what we both love. In other words being a crazy, kinky couple.

 

Back in diapers

A couple of weeks ago I happened to be on Amazon buying some Christmas presents for friends and family. While I was clicking and buying like a mad man I took a minute to check out my own "private" wishlist I had made on the site. Only Miss H and I can see and it provides an excellent way to keep track of future purchases I want to make and gifts I would like to receive. Most of the items on the list aren't exactly what you'd call impulse items, a $500 straight jacket or a $100 pair of platform boots for instance, but one item did catch my eye. A pair of pastel pink, size medium, plastic diaper panties for around $20. I've been eying them for a while and kept telling myself that "next time" I would finally get them. That next time finally happened.

Usually if I see them, I would pass on buying them because I was kind of embarrassed to get them or just didn't feel they were worth it when I still had a mortgage and tons of other bills to take care of first. This time though, with a raging hard on in my panties and an online shopping cart already stuffed with purchases, adding one last item for myself didn't seem like such a bad idea after all.

The packages came in the mail a few short days later. I'll save you the boredom of looking through images of books, movies, and the rest of the vanilla stuff and instead get right to the good stuff...

The color was a little too subtle for my taste, I'd have preferred a bright sissy pink as opposed to the very soft pink of the plastic, but overall it wasn't to bad. I got a size medium because with my first pair of plastic diaper panties I got a size large thinking that with all the extra padding of multiple diapers that a size medium (my normal clothing size) would be way to small. It turned out that the large was big even when Miss H super stuffed in diaper upon diaper. It was still useable, just a bit baggy and not as snug as it could have been. The size medium is almost perfect, tight around the legs to stop any leaks, yet big enough around the waist where I could easily accommodate a whole other diaper or two packed around my current diaper setup if she really wanted to make me waddle and keep me diapered for an extended period of time without changing me.

While we didn't really pack them in last night, we did get to get take the new plastic panties for a test drive and I love them. 

They do look a big white in the picture but I think that's partially due to the coloring of the photo and also because they're semi transparent and the thick diaper directly underneath them is white as well. At some point I'll probably try to get another pair that is a very dark pink and maybe isn't so clear, but for now I hope to get many, many more opportunities to enjoy the pair I have ;)

Back with a vengeance

After what's been a roughly two week patch without any real kink or FLR type activity going on, Miss H and I finally got two seconds to breath last night and had a chance to play. The reason for our "pause" in the FLR isn't because of anything bad at all, in fact it was due to something really wonderful and amazing (I'll catch you up with a more in depth explanation later, running really short on time right now). Last night though really rekindled the kinky fires however.

To be honest I was in kind of a hum-drum mood about the idea of playing yesterday, initially at least. It's not that I didn't want to as much as I just felt it could go either way. If we played, great. If we don't, that's cool too because I have a bunch of other things I needed to do also. Once we got into though, I couldn't believe how good it felt on so many levels. The raging, almost obsessive desire to cum came back like a runaway freight train. Miss H of course didn't let me cum, just tease me for a while before tucking me away in a dress, diapers, and a leather hood. I woke up this morning horny as hell, which is something that hasn't happened in a while. Now, I'm sitting here blogging, tweeting, Tumbling, and do just about anything possible to try to quench a virtually insatiable desire to cum. Something that won't be happening thanks to the cock cage and Miss H's apparent complete lack of interest in having me cum again any time soon.

More to come....

Health update

Just a quick pop in post to keep everyone apprised of my scrotum health, because after all, who isn't concerned with the status of my nuts ;) I got a scrotal ultrasound about two weeks ago and it was kind of nerve wracking, not because I was worried about the actual procedure, but because I was concerned that Miss H might make me do something embarrassing just to mess with me. She had joked about perhaps making me paint my nails before going to get the ultrasound. Luckily she didn't do anything of the sort and the whole thing went just fine.

They said it would take a few days for my Dr. to get the results so I figured when the Dr. got the results he would check it out and let me know what the next step was. Fast forward a week and a half and still no reply from the doctor so I give him a call. The receptionist takes my name and number and says someone will get back to me. Later that day a nurse calls and says the ultrasound showed epididymitis (which he had previously said I didn't have) and they were calling in a prescription for Cipro to my pharmacy.

I'm not holding out hope for the antibiotics to do much but we shall see. Miss H and I are going to be pretty busy this weekend but we may be able to squeeze in some time to play, I know I could use a nice diapering or maybe slipping into some nice long, tight boots.

Out for a walk

I don't exercise nearly as much as I should, but at the very least I try to head out 3-4 times a week and go for a nice 40 minute walk. Usually this is kind of late at night due to the fact that it's about the only free time I have and also because the weather is much more comfortable that time of night. I toss on my earbuds, fire up some podcasts and just let the stress of the day fade away as I have a nice little slice of peace and quite to resettle myself before the start of another hectic work day.

Two nights ago I was getting ready to head out for my walk so I stopped into our bedroom to kiss Miss H goodbye. She was laying down in bed, reading a book on her Kindle, as I walked up to her. I was feeling more then a bit horny at the time so I ran my hand across her ass while kissing her, hoping it would spark something and provide me with some relief from an extended time in chastity. She smiled and kissed me back but that was it, she quickly returned to reading her book, seemingly not interested in going any further with my sexual advances. I made a fake groaning noise like a wounded animal and sighed, "Jesus Christ, I am so horny". "Oh well", was her only response as she dove back into the Kindle.

"I'm telling you, I swear to god, any ground hogs or anything like that out there tonight better watch out because I'm going to grab the first one I see and fuck the royal hell out of it, I'm so horny", I said with a laugh. "Well, I don't know about groundhogs, but if you're that horny on your walk I have something you can do. I don't care where, but somewhere during your walk tonight I want you to stop and jerk off for at least 30 seconds. Then txt me when you're done so I know you've done as I've asked", she replied without a hint of humor in her voice.

I of course freaked out because while I don't exactly live in the middle of Broad & Pattison, it's not the middle of nowhere either. I'm telling her how this is a really bad idea and how all it takes is one neighbor or passing car to see me and next thing you know I'm in jail for public indecency or something like that. Unfortunately, she was hearing none of it. "Be creative, it's dark, it's almost 11pm, and there are plenty of little nooks and crannies to slink into", was her only reply. I could have flat out said no, but then that means the cage isn't coming off anytime soon after that and more importantly, it causes a big issue with the real life FLR we're trying to nurture and grow into. The point of an FLR is that the female is in charge, so to disobey a command just because I didn't like it and it wasn't something that really turned me on means that the FLR is nothing more then a sex game to get me off, which  is exactly what I don't want to have this become.

I tried to talk my way out of it, by attempting to reason with her and offer up other potential punishments that she might prefer (and keep the cops from picking my ass up), but she didn't budge. At the time I was pissed, it felt like she was just trying to be edgy for the sake of trying to show who was in charge, but now looking back, she wasn't *trying* to show who was in charge, she was clearly proving who was in charge. She knew I would do it and deep down I knew I would do it too, she did it to just knock me down one more peg. Much like a drill sergeant has to break down his new marine recruits before he can mold them into the soldiers he wants, Miss H was breaking down my resistance and hesitation to fully embrace the FLR with one more display of her power and control over me.

I walked around the neighborhood for almost an hour trying to find a good spot to fulfill Miss H's dirty deed for me. Each time I thought I had a good spot however the problems were always the same, street lights a little too bright, people out in front of their house, or to much activity inside a house. I could have snuck into somebody's backyard but that seemed too dangerous, last thing I need is a neighbor thinking I'm a peeping tom or a burglar. Finally I settled on a curved portion of the road that connects two sections of my neighborhood. It was wooded on both sides of the road, with the nearest houses perhaps 600 yards away in either direction. There was a street light there which made things brighter then I would have liked but if I stood at the middle of the curve I could see down both directions in case any cars were headed to me. I didn't want to head into the woods because they were really wet and swampy from the rain and small creek that flows under the road.

Eventually I walked about 5 feet onto the grass at the side of the road before the woods, looked around for any potential walkers or cars, then proceeded to get down to business. Miss H never mentioned having to take my shorts totally off so I pulled them down slightly instead and started jerking off. The first picture was kind of dark because I turned the flash off on the camera for obvious reasons.

I wasn't sure if that was going to be good enough for Miss H so I decided to take one last quick snap and then hightail it out of there.

Thankfully nobody saw anything and I managed to get back home with no one the wiser of what I had just done for my Mistress.

New-ish pics

No super indepth posts today, just a few pictures from a week or so ago that I never got around to putting up here. Enjoy!

My favorite drink.

Last night Miss H and I started getting into some kinky fun and somewhere along the line I half jokingly mentioned something about how I haven't had to drink any of her piss recently (ok, fine, so I was dead serious about it but still trying to act like I was just joking). She thought about it for a minute, crooked her head to the side, and then smiled. "You're absolutely right", she said with an air of mischief in her voice. "I'll be right back". She returned not long after with a small wine glass, one that she keeps in her bathroom for just such a purpose, filled with her warm, fresh pee.

I reached for the glass and was about to eagerly gulp it down when she intervened. "No, get on your knees in front of me first", she commanded. I did as I was told and soon the first sip passed my lips as I furiously stroked my little boy clit, unable to look at her as I put on this pathetic spectacle in front of her. My mind burned with humiliation and shame but my cock raged and dripped as I thought about what she must think as she watched me drink down every last drop.

Miss H refilled my cup two more times that night, each time making me repeat the same embarrassing process in front of her. Each time feeling a bit worse about it then before, as my eagerness to be her piss slave was becoming more and more blatantly obvious. I tried to act like it wasn't turning me on but it wasn't hard to see the truth. Each time I heard the bathroom door open I would practically run and dive to get down on my knees to await my special treat, jacking off like a madman in horny anticipation.

Near the end of the night she mentioned how much she enjoyed having me drink her piss, how it was so degrading and something that she might want to add to into our regular rotation, perhaps becoming a new "daily ritual", one of those small but significant things that we do on a daily basis that keeps us in the FLR zone even when vanilla life tries its best to dampen that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Craving humiliation

The other night I was reading some posts on one of the fetish/chastity message forums I frequent every now and again. The question posed was, do you feel the need the need for physical pain if you've been locked up in chastity for an extended period of time? The reasoning being that the normal rush of endorphins from sex and orgasm were missing because of the chastity so as a means to replace that, the author was seeking to get that endorphin rush in another manner, S/M play. I think there's a lot of validity to that, because in my own experience I like pain and discipline as part of our sexual play, it's not always my first choice (I prefer bondage, dressing, humiliation, etc more then actual pain) but I've definitely noticed that the longer I'm in chastity and the hornier I get, the more I seem to want a good caning or paddling at the hands of Miss H.

It's like I need the emotional charge and buildup of the pain and then the eventual release of it stopping to be able to get any sense of mental calm and put myself back into a more docile state. Otherwise I get so overcharged sexually that I'm like a maniac, unable to do anything else other then focus on my desire for sex. A few days into chastity and I'm secretly hoping Miss H will keep her cane on the shelf, yet fast forward a couple of weeks and I'm on all fours begging to be hit harder and harder.

I think my desire for humiliation and verbal abuse is very similar as well. The more I'm denied sexually, the more I need deeper and more intense forms of humiliation and degradation. Comparing day one of chastity with day 30 is like night and day.  Maybe it's that I'm so horny that it allows me to be more open and accepting of what really turns me on and be willing to actually enjoy it as opposed to being totally embarrassed and ashamed of the same things when I'm not in a horny mood.

Case in point, the other night with Miss H. She has a pair of shoes she often wears to work, they're a pair of patent leather flats that she likes because they're comfortable yet stylish enough to wear for her job. Normally I only really like the total whore, 6" platform type stripper shoes but for some reason these shoes intrigued me. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've been kind of turned on by them recently. To the point where I actually asked her to wear them to bed for me. Miss H was nice enough to humor me and wear them and they looked amazing on her. She normally doesn't dress up or "accessorize", mainly because she doesn't need to (she's super hot like that) so her wearing shoes of any type to bed instantly did it for me.

It wasn't long before I was at the bottom of the bed worshiping her shoes eagerly with my tongue. Kissing and licking every inch of the shiny, smooth material. The humiliation of licking her shoes, especially when they weren't even "sexy" footwear was getting me hard and dripping in no time. While it was wonderful and a big turn on, I needed more. More humiliation, more degradation, more abuse, so I muttered something under my breath that I had been up until that point to scared to ask.

"What was that?", Miss H snapped, unable to hear what I had said.

"Nothing", I meekly stammered. "No, tell me what you said, now", she replied as she lightly tapped my now hanging head with her foot.

"Could....could...I please lick the bottom of your shoe?", I said with a wave of utter shame crashing over me. Without skipping a beat or hesitating, she ordered me to lick the bottom of her left shoe. I was both disgusted with what I was doing and yet turned on immensely at the same time. The physical sensation wasn't anything to write home about, it just tasted like rubber, but mentally it was crushing.

"Are these the ones you wear to outside to work?", I asked, already knowing the answer. "You mean are these the shoes I wear out on the public streets, in my office, in public bathrooms, and everywhere else in town? Why yes they are", she said in a totally relaxed voice. "Now why don't you start on the bottom of my other foot".

I continued on both of her feet, moving back and forth between the two shoes, licking all over and underneath them for a while longer before Miss H finally told me to stop. As a reward for being such a good foot slave she allowed me to touch her and even put on a condom and enter her. That of course didn't last long, after just a few strokes I was already ready to cum and had to pull out. Miss H chastised me for my poor performance and told me to continue. I warned her I wouldn't be able to last much longer but she didn't care, she was either in the mood to finally get fucked hard (if only briefly) or to just have me finish so she could end things because she was bored. What ever the reason, I slammed into her as hard as I could and almost immediately I felt I was about to cum so I kept pumping away, a huge load of cum filling the condom. I groaned in ecstasy and then rolled off of her.

"Now go ahead take that condom off and drink it, you know the rules, no cumming without drinking it right back down", she mockingly said. I knew there was no use arguing so I did it like a shot, one quick hit and swallowed it as fast as possible. We then both got up and went to clean up and get ourselves ready for bed. As we laid down to go to bed I leaned over to give her a kiss like I do every night, she pulled her head back though which was a first. "Do you really think I'd let a dirty shoe licking, cum drinker kiss me? I don't want to get anywhere near that filthy mouth", she said with a scowl. It hurt to hear that but my now throbbing hard on told a different story. I was allowed to snuggle with her but my lips didn't get close for the rest of the night, Miss H made sure of that.

It was a good night.

The day our FLR became real.

In the midst of this recent streak of medical issues, things have been tough for Miss H and I. I think I can speak for her when I say both have us have felt really out of sorts since our FLR relationship has been put on various stages of hold. We'd make attempts at restarting things but whether it was an argument, a new diagnosis and set of rules from my doctor, or one of us just not being in the mood, things have been on hiatus. As I said yesterday, it wasn't a "ripping apart the fabric of our relationship" type thing but it was definitely a small crack in the dam, or at least felt like it. I'm not going to rehash things I've already talked about in past posts, but suffice to say, the FLR was one of the best things we've ever done and was working beautifully for us when it was in full effect.

About a month and a half ago during a particularly trying week, Miss H and I got into a rather heated argument because she made several passing comments about wanting me to get better so we could finally get back to the FLR. I overreacted and initially got really upset and pissy about it. Here I am worried that I could have everything from a simple UTI to a case of testicular cancer, and all she can think about was when I'd be well enough to fuck her again? I know that's not what she meant but at the time it set me off. She was upset because she thought that I thought she didn't really care about my health, which wasn't the case by any means. I was mad and scared about what was going on with my scrotum so things went in a direction that they really shouldn't have.

It took me a while but something finally clicked in my head that made me feel better then just about anything I've ever felt before.

Since I first realized I was turned on by so many things that were kinky/fetish/alternative, I've always been hyper self conscious and nervous about it. I was ashamed about what I liked and it made things very difficult in virtually all aspects of my sex life. Even when I was by myself, as soon as I would cum I would immediately feel horrible and guilty about what I had jerked off to, what I was wearing, etc I would then proceed to toss the clothes or what ever as soon as I had managed to get back into my regular "guy" clothes and get that "perverted filth" into the nearest trash can.

I guess I was super lucky in the sense that in my first real relationship, my now ex wife was very understanding initially about my fetishes. It took a long time but eventually I came out of my shell to some degree and I started to explore some new things with a slightly lesser degree of shame and self hate. Of course it ended badly and most of the negative feelings came rushing back soon after. I thought lightning must have struck twice when my next girlfriend was also very cool with my kinks. My luck didn't last though and it ended up crashing and burning just like before. Surprisingly, in both cases the kink wasn't the cause of the actual break up, but both made it clear that it didn't help and neither really enjoyed it that much in the long run.

Both of  these events made me feel even more alone and less trusting of people. At one point I even went online looking for a male Master. Not necessarily because I wanted to be with a guy sexually, but at least a random guy online was not going to bullshit around. If they say they want to meet up with a sissy transvestite then that's what they really want, unlike a girlfriend who was only saying she liked it to make you happy. There was a real sense of relief and piece of mind knowing that someone was being completely honest with what they wanted and what they wanted from me.

When I met Miss H it didn't take to long before I told her about all my kinks. I was amazed when she was not only accepting but actually kind of into them too. Shortly after that out sex life began to get more and more fetish related and experimental., eventually leading up to our FLR that has only recently been in a holding pattern. I was thrilled that Miss H seemed so open and interested in my fetishes but I could never shake the feeling that she was only into them because either she was worried I would leave her if she didn't, or she was simply doing them to make me happy. Miss H is a total pleaser and goes out of her way to make people happy (except of course when it comes to letting me cum ;) so it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine her feeling as if it was her "duty" to try to make me happy in order to strengthen our relationship as a couple.

She constantly tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case and that she really did enjoy everything we did, but no matter what I could never fully believe her. That doubt in the back of mind always made me hold back a little, to never really enjoy things as much as I could, to always put that strong facade out just in case she didn't actually like my kinks. I'd try to play down how much I liked things, that way when she would eventually get around to telling me she was only doing this for my benefit I would have an excuse to protect myself. I could play it off like it was just something that I was goofing around with, not something that was an integral part of who I am.

Then it happened.

I started to think about it. Miss H starting asking about the FLR not even a couple of days after we first started a medical break. In some form or another she asked about it or mentioned things about it many, many times since then. If she really didn't want a true FLR this would be a perfect way out. We could take a "break" and it wouldn't be her fault, she was just doing what the Dr. suggested. Then even if the Dr. eventually said it was ok to resume things, she could easily say she didn't want to because she was worried about how it might affect my health. It was the ultimate get out of jail free card for her and not only did she not take it, she did the exact opposite. She wanted to get back into it as soon as possible. It was that mental break through that made me really reevaluate everything.

I'm not going to sit her and lie and say I'm not positive she loves the kinks we engage in and that if we broke up she'd be dying to find another guy that was a sissy into diapers, bondage, humiliation, etc but it did bring about a whole new level of comfort and commitment to our FLR. Now why exactly is Miss H so into our FLR? I think the sex and the kink are obviously a big part but I think she enjoys the emotional connection we have when we're in the zone as well as it provides a way to level us out and take what was almost a lesser role in our pre-FLR vanilla relationship into a much more domineering one in the FLR (due to a few personal/family issues that I'm not going to get into here).

I'm probably just over analyzing things (and more then likely rather badly at that) but what ever the reason, I do now honestly think that Miss H is not only serious about the FLR but *actually* does it because she enjoys it and gets something out of it too, as opposed to just trying to keep me happy and that's pretty major for me.

It's a pretty great feeling.

Still up in the air.

After weeks of trying different things and multiple doctor visits, I seem to be back just where I started. What was originally prostatitis, then became diagnosed as epididymitis, which as of my most recent Dr. visit was now changed to Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome. CPPS is, according to my doctor, sort of a catch all phrase that encompasses just about any type of symptom/pain in the pelvic region that the medical community can't figure out the cause of. He said it might be caused by stress or a sports type injury I didn't realize or who knows what else. He told me basically that I probably just need to chill out, relax, and because the pain I'm experiencing isn't out of control, just basically forget about it and move on. Maybe if the pain gets worse he'll order an ultrasound.

Nice.

Well, that's just unacceptable to me. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't explain the full level of our kinky sex life (chastity, tease and denial, etc) in completely graphic detail, but I mentioned enough where he got the general idea. Even if I didn't, chronic pain over weeks and months should garner more concern then essentially saying that it's all in my head and take a few ibuprofen when you need it. I'm in the process of beginning to look for a urologist in the hopes that their expertise in the matter might find a solution to the problem. Hopefully I can get a referral from my current Dr. but if not then screw it, I'll pay out of pocket if I have to.

In the mean time, Miss H and I have decided to slowly but surely return to our regular FLR lifestyle full time that seems to have taken a spot on the back burner over the past few weeks and months.  The chastity cage has returned since the beginning of the week, although a minor pain flair up yesterday at work has me taking a short hiatus (just to be on the safe side). My toes are back to being painted full time and full body shaving is now back to normal. We're trying to ease back into things, and it's already a much better mood around the house. In the past seven days or so there's been a dramatic difference in how we interact with each other both physically and emotionally. Less arguing, more intimate, and definitely more of a loving couple then a roommates kind of vibe going on.

It's not that we've been going at each others throats or being totally asexual, it's just that it was starting to feel like we weren't connecting like we had been. After enjoying the passion, excitement, and closeness of over a year in a full on FLR, this vanilla, "your average suburban couple" type thing felt very weird for both of us. It's good to be getting back into things.

Healing

Not a lot of news of the kink front, Miss H and I are still keeping things kind of mellow as we wait out the current medical condition. I got my lab work back from the Dr. about a week ago and there was no bacterial infection that they could find so while that's good, it doesn't explain the cause of the epididymitis. I'm scheduled to go back in a few days for a follow up with my primary care doctor and at this point I'm assuming he'll either try to put me on a multi week dose of anti-biotic just to ensure there isn't an infection of some sort hiding out in a remote location or a referral to a urologist for more tests or what not.

Miss H and I have had sex (of the actual intercourse variety) several times since all of this started but its been kind of nerve racking on my part at least because I can't seem to really enjoy things because I'm constantly in medical mode trying to analyze what's happening while we're in the middle of things. Is there any pain in my scrotum? Does it feel any different when I thrust hard verses softly entering her? When I'm cumming does it hurt? Is the force great or less then it usually is? It feels like I'm kind of observing things from afar as opposed to being in the moment and enjoying it.

Thankfully there haven't really been any major problems or pain pop up (although, of course, today I'm a little sore after being fine for a few days) so I'm thinking of asking Miss H to see if she's interested in possibly, slowly, ramping things up again and see how that works out. Then after I see the Dr. and hopefully get the all clear, really returning to how things use to be even if that's initially at a much slower pace until things are totally healed up.

Update

In my last post I mentioned that it seemed I had prostatitis. Well after doing a bit more research on my own and getting a second opinion, it seems as though The earlier diagnosis was incorrect and in fact it appears to be a case of epididymitis. To make a long story short that's an inflammation of some tubes in the testicles. It seems to be a very minor case of it, which is good, but it's still a pain in the butt because sex is temporarily off the table. I'm going in for a more in depth urinalysis sometime in the next few days which should help determine whether it's bacterial based, and therefore will be treated with antibiotics, or caused by something else. Until the results are back I'm supposed to hold off on any and all sexual activity whether it be masturbating or anything with Miss H.

Right now I'm worried about whether the epididymitis may have somehow been caused by the constant edging/tease and denial/chastity play we've been engaged in and enjoying for the past year or so. I'm going to try and do some investigating online and see what I can come up with while I'm waiting for things to heal. It's kind of scary to think that something both Miss H and I liked so much might be no longer a viable way of life is kind of a big blow and an issue we definitely need to sit down and talk about. I really hope we will be able to find a way to keep on doing what we were doing and finally get back into our FLR groove.

The dick is cursed.

You know for someone who's not even 40 yet, I sure do seem to have a lot of health issues related to the cock. Most of the time it's just various scrapes, bruises, and other assorted injuries from an overly aggressive sex life, but this time it was something I didn't expect. Prostatitis. Or at least that's what my own extensive self diagnosis (thank you Google) has led me to believe. Basically I was getting some minor pressure and discomfort that would occasionally crop up during or sometime after an extensive session of tease and denial from Miss H.

Basically what was happening was all that tease and denial with no release was causing a lot of pressure to build up in the area near the prostate. That pressure would normally be released from ejaculation or from teasing that wasn't happening multiple times a day, virtually every day for weeks. The prostate gets annoyed and starts giving you problems ranging from painful ejaculation to trouble peeing. Luckily for me my only symptoms were, like I said, just some amount of pressure in the area that just didn't feel right.

I was a little to embarrassed to mention all the tease and denial stuff to the Dr. (I know, I should have), so he kind of just mentioned possible prostatitis and prescribed some antibiotics because he thought it was probably bacterial in nature. Miss H has kindly allowed me to fully cum multiple times recently to kind of "clear out the pipes" and hopefully help fix things. She's been very understanding about the whole thing and we're slowing things down a bit until things get better. So far things seem to be proceeding nicely, no real pain or complications, and I finished the antibiotics yesterday. With any luck we'll be back in the swing of things in no time ;)

Two nights of fun.

The past two nights have been the most fun I've had sexually in a while. Nothing major was pre-planned, the two of us just decided to relax and just "see what happens", knowing full well a good amount of kink of fun was in store in some form or another. Trash TV on in the background, a few bottles of adult beverages freshly opened, and all night to do what ever we wanted. There are to many things we dabbled in to fit into one blog post so I'm just going to hit a few of my personal highlights -

1) Being dressed in my go to slut outfit, a micro short, shiny silver club dress with white garters and stockings, and my 6" white platforms. No makeup or wig, other then polish on my fingers and toes. I stayed dressed like that the majority of both nights and it was awesome. The best part was around 11pm we started to see lightning outside (this was the night of that big storm here in the mid atlantic area). Miss H asked if my car windows were closed because it was going to rain soon. "No, they're down about an inch or so", I replied. "Well, you better hurry up and put them up before the rain comes", was her smug reply. I started to voice some opposition about having to get changed and not wanting to get back into boy clothes. "I never said I was going to let you change", she quipped and pointed to the front door. Thanks to probably one to many shots I barely even argued, just got up and walked to the door.

While we don't live on Broadway or anything, there are still enough cars going by and people sitting outside on a hot night to make this a bit of a risky proposition. I poked my head out the front door and seeing as how the coast looked clear I started briskly walking the two hundred feet or so to my car, my heels clacking away on the concrete with every step. I was to nervous to look around to see if anybody had spotted me so I kept my head forward and made a bee line for the car. I did was needed to be done and then high tailed it back inside. Miss H watched the whole thing from our front door, smiling as her lingerie clad sissy marched out in public, just yards away from all of our neighbors. I'm not sure what I would have done if someone had seen me, but luckily that didn't happen.

That particular task that Miss H made me complete was both extremely scary and a huge turn on at the same time. I guess you could consider it sort of a "mean" task because it didn't really bring about any pleasure, it's sole purpose was to scare and potentially seriously embarrass me. Strangely though the "meaner" Miss H is the more I feel she loves me. When she's "nice", I can't help but feel she's just indulging my fantasies. But when out of the blue she pushes my limits and does something cruel and unexpected, then somehow that translates to me that we're on the same wave length sexually and she's just as much into being kinky as I am. Like, the FLR is our thing that we share equally and by being dominant and vicious she's just reinforcing that dynamic. The more I become submissive, the more she becomes dominant, it's our relationship's method of maintaining homeostasis.

2) Last night after getting into some tease and denial for a while, Miss H wanted to take a small break. Not stop any sexual activity entirely, but just take a pause to grab another drink or two and just relax before getting back into things. I on the other hand was nothing but a raging hardon so the whole concept was just bizarre to me. I tried snuggling up to her, rubbing her breasts gently, hoping to get her back in the mood, but she seemed more intent on doing other things. She put up with it for a few minutes before basically telling me to back off, and leave her alone. Of course that kind of bitchy attitude (which she normally doesn't have in more vanilla times) only causes me to get that much hornier. "No. Wait", she said as I was starting to roll over in bed to my side. "I've got a better idea, go get your fleshlight", she said.

I shot over to the closet and returned with the fake pussy masturbator. She was already sitting up in bed as she unscrewed the cap of the toy and held it up in front of her so I could squirt some lube in it. She then held it down by her side like she was holding a TV remote or something, firm grip but very nonchalant about it. "Well, what are you waiting for", she said with an almost angry tone in her voice. As I quickly rolled back against her and slid the cock between the folds of the silicone sleeve, I saw her grab the actual remote with her other hand and begin checking the on screen guide to see what was on TV. At first I thought she was being so inattentive as a way to belittle and humiliate me (she knows I love that with a passion), but after the first few minutes passed and she seemed completely uninterested in dealing with me what so ever, I became equally mortified and completely aroused. Here was her soon to be husband, dressed in women's clothes, furiously pumping into a fake pussy just inches from her and she was completely oblivious to anything other then the episode of Bridezilla's which happened to be on. The feeling of rejection was deep, almost physical, as five minutes turned into fifteen, which turned into half and hour, and before I realized it, almost a whole hour had passed, and then it was only  over because Miss H stopped because her wrist was getting sore from holding the Fleshlight. Emotionally I felt horrible, like Miss H was utterly disgusted by me, yet once again, no matter how much I felt emotionally battered and on the verge of tears, the cock betrayed me my darkest desires, for it stayed hard and dripping the entire time, desperate to cum, desperate to finally earn release.

Diaper Chastity

Miss H has been battling some form of strep throat/virus/bubonic plague on and off for weeks now. It gets almost completely better then suddenly the sore throat and general feelings of fatigue, aches, etc kick right back in. We seem to be in the midst of another outbreak, this time her doctor saying it's a virus and not strep. So anyway to make a long story short she has been a trooper but she really isn't feeling quite up to snuff. Last night, as usual, I was straining in my cock cage from being overly horny. I started massaging Miss H all over and occassionaly rubbing up against her with some dry humping on her leg. She always seems to get some amusement from this and gently rubs my head while I slide against her fully clothed leg like a dog in heat.

I think she just likes to screw with me because I can never tell what her true intentions are. I'll be rubbing against her and gently playing with her nipples and she'll just continue on reading a magazine like I don't even exist. I start to feel guilty like I'm just being overly needy and hounding her so I back off. I'll start to calm down and then a few minutes later out of the blue she'll roll over next to me in bed and start whispering the dirtiest fantasies I can imagine into my ear. I instantly get all charged up again and try to start something with her once more. She might continue, teasing the cock through my shorts with a few strokes before dismissing me with a, "I'm bored with you, that's all for tonight". I'll try to do as she asks even though I'm leaking pre-cum every where by this time and groaning in pain as the CB-6000 cock cage clamps down tight around me. She might continue on like this for the next hour or so or, she might just roll over and go to sleep that very minute. 

By the end of the night I was practically delirious I was so horny. If Miss H made even the most subtle sexual comment or just lightly touched my leg with her beautiful toes, I was off like a rocket to snuggle up with her and try to put my hands on every inch of her sexy body. At some point I guess she had enough of me following her around like a little puppy needy for attention so she told me to flat out roll onto my side of the bed, go to sleep, and not try to touch her again. She was in no mood for any more of my fumbling sexual advances. I don't remember exactly what I said, probably just complaining and asking for more attention from her, when she finally got fed up. "I guess I'm not going to get any sleep or will you as long as you want me to touch that little clit of yours", she said. "I suppose the only answer is to put you in a diaper to keep it safely tucked away so no one will be able to touch it anymore tonight." I immediately started back tracking, telling her not to worry, I would leave her completely alone now that I realize she wasn't in the mood to play any more. "No, no it's to late for that. I like that idea, go get your diapers for me", was her only reply.

When I'm pretty deep in subspace, the thought of diapers just sends me through the roof. When we're just kind of chilling out in bed as vanilla couple though, it's a bit different. I don't hate the idea of diapers but the humiliation they arise in me, especially in front of Miss H, makes them a much less enjoyable experience. Two minutes before bed and having pretty much calmed down from anticipating there wouldn't be any more fun to be had is not exactly the perfect mind set for the embarrassment I feel of getting diapered in front of Miss H. Within minutes I was getting my regular diaper ensemble ready, a pullup, extra liner insert, thick plastic ultra absorbency diaper, duct tape to run around the top to keep things nice and tight, and pair of plastic panties. All of which hidden beneath my regular shorts and t-shirt that I normally wear to bed.

I assumed the new rules Miss H implemented the last time she diapered me were still in effect and I was right. Any time I had to pee during the night I was to wake up Miss H and ask for her permission and then do it while I stood up in front of her. I was only allowed to take off the diaper once I had peed before taking my morning shower before work. If I had not peed then I wouldn't be allowed out of it and would have to wear it to work and keep it on until I had. Not wanting that to happen I drank some water before bed, a *lot* of water, just to be safe. I would soon regret that.

The first time I woke up was around 2 in the morning. I didn't really want to wake up Miss H because I knew she wasn't feeling well but at the same time I didn't want to disregard a direct order so I did as she asked. It didn't take long but the mental burn of standing there wearing a diaper and asking permission from the woman you love to be allowed to piss yourself was rough. Thank god the lights were off and it was dark because some times she makes me look her in the eyes when I'm peeing and that just kills me. Anyway, the diaper was soon warm and full but not really wet as the inner material seemed to wick most of it away. I fell back asleep quickly and hoped that would be the last time.

It wasn't.

Around 5am I woke up again and had to repeat the whole process once more. Then again a third time just as I was getting up to take a shower. That time I did it myself alone in the bathroom because technically I had followed her orders as far as peeing before taking my shower went. When I finally did cut off the diaper I noticed not only that I was still surprisingly dry (probably could have gone an entire day if I had too) but that the cock was fully hard and dripping pre-cum like a leaky garden hose. Here's a picture I snapped when I was finished.

Being forced to wear the diaper was hot, but the thing I enjoyed the most was just the sheer spontaneity of it. We hadn't planned anything for that night and in fact her diapering me was probably more to shut me up and give her some time to sleep then it was to try and get me off, and that's what's the biggest turn on, having a beautiful, dominant woman, who is just as comfortable diapering me to keep me quite as she is picking up a prescription at Walgreen's. The fact that things like this are becoming interwoven into the fabric of our daily lives and not just a "game" we play on the occasional weekend, is more awesome then I can really put into words. Life is good.

A cruel game.

While I was never a huge fan of movies like Saw, I did find the evil rules and horrible choices they had to make, appealing in some weird way. Having to do something so unpleasant in order to earn something they so desperately wanted kind of played into the submissive streak inside me. The one that craves abuse (not on the Saw type level of course), humiliation, and utter lack of control. I like the feeling of being pushed passed my level of comfort in order to receive some relief or as a means to get something I want.

This tends to happen all the time when I get beyond the level of my normal horniness. Now I'm horny on pretty much a 24/7 basis but the thought of drinking my own cum doesn't really get me going till I reach that place where I'm "really" horny. For instance, when Miss H has spent a good portion of the night relentlessly teasing me with both her hand and her verbal abuse, I start out by begging for release. Asking for her to allow me to cum or to perhaps even be inside of her. This is of course just lip service because I know she's going to say no but I still have to try, because every now and then she'll allow me a ruined orgasm if she's feeling nice.

Like I said though, that's rare, so before long I try to bargain with her. I don't really have a lot of chips in my corner so I offer up the only thing I do have, the willingness to degrade myself in order to receive the brief pleasure of an orgasm. I'll offer up drinking my own cum from a glass if she'll just let me have even a ruined orgasm. She makes me do that anyway when I'm milked every two weeks so that offer is usually met with immediate scorn from her. So I ramp things up a bit, sexual release in exchange for a a larger then normal butt plug inside me. Or being made to lay naked in the shower and forced to pee on myself. Anything that I can think of that make pique her interest enough to give me what I want so badly.

She almost never relents to my offers, I'm not sure if that's because she simply won't negotiate and "no cumming tonight" means exactly that, "no cumming tonight" under any circumstances or if my offers of humiliation aren't severe enough for her to enjoy. I've subtly suggested that I really get off on the idea of having a truly nasty humiliation/punishment of her choosing available to me in order to trade for the opportunity to cum. It would have to be something that really pushed me into uncharted territory, a task that pushed the line of what I was willing to do. The idea of having one orgasm any time I wanted to take it, just as long as I was willing to face the consequences. 

A task like walking into Target to buy a designated item but having to do while wearing some obvious piece of women's clothing (bright pink ballet flats or women's jeans and frilly shirt) or dress in my normal guy clothes but be forced to wear my big double D breast forms under a tight t-shirt with my nails painted neon pink. Perhaps made to wear full diaper gear and made to wear them for 24 straight hours before being allowed to take them off. Who knows, the possibilities are endless, anything that straddles the line between turn on and causing a near panic attack would fit the bill.

The idea of the stress and internal arguments I would go through as I struggled to decide if I was really horny enough to do something that terrible to earn that pleasure. Every time Miss H teased me and stroked the cock knowing I could get what I wanted, all I had to do was just say yes to what she offered me. Each passing day making the decision harder and harder until it becomes almost unbearable to not do it yet at the same time being scared silly of actually having to do through with it. It's one thing to deal with the hopelessness of being denied something, it's another to know you have the power to get it, you just have to be brave enough to reach up and grab it.

Fun in the sun.

Today is just balls ass nasty outside. Temperatures in the 90's, humidity like a sauna, and just an unpleasant experience to be outside. Luckily yesterday was a bit nicer when I had the day off. Still, it was pretty hot out then too so not wanting to just sit inside all day, I decided I'd take a quick trip down to the beach. Didn't want to go all the way down to Rehoboth, Delaware or any where that was going to be to packed with obnoxiously loud crowds of people, I instead figured I'd head off to a small tucked away beach that for the most part quite serene and quite, except for the occasional bird watcher or fisherman putting their boat into the water.

It was low tide when I got there so the beach stretched on for a couple of miles or so (it's much smaller when the tide comes in). It was quite the picturesque scene with seagulls running along the edge of the water and the waves gently lapping at the shore. I walked for a while along the beach admiring the sites and saying hello to the random people who popped up now and again.

It's amazing what a few days in chastity can do to you however, because even among all that beauty I couldn't stop thinking about the caged cock tucked inside panties that were neatly concealed by my cargo shorts. On a whim I decided to txt Miss H and let her know what I was up to. She enjoyed the pictures I took, hopefully you will too.

Back in the cage

Miss H and I have been slowly but surely moving back into a full time FLR again and it's been going quite well. I don't think either of us are exactly back to where we want to be, but like I said, they're heading in that direction. I haven't been wearing the cage at all in at least the last month or so. A combination of health issues in regards to the penis (all of which are now resolved and healed) and a minor disconnect between Miss H and myself led to putting the cock cage on hold for a while. A week off for some penis chafing, a few days because we were fighting, etc and before you know it I had to take a minute to remember where the CB-6000 even was.

Miss H has tried gently nudging me into wearing it again for the last few days but it just never seemed to happen. It wasn't because I was directly refusing her suggestions, but more because it was something I meant to get around to but just never did. That came to a sudden end yesterday when Miss H laid down the law. Since her subtle suggestions weren't working she went back into Dom mode and simply told me the cage would be on me Monday morning or else. There wasn't a discussion about it, just an order to do as she commanded.

Having finally gotten back into our FLR and more specifically into our kinky life again, I was a bit reluctant to have to have the CB-6000 cage back on. I had gotten lazy and used to having complete control of my penis again. If I wanted to pee I would just walk into the bathroom and stand up. If I wanted to jerk off I could. That level of control was like a power rush and probably didn't help my submissive attitude toward Miss H. Having my cock back again meant I was emboldened to occasionally get snotty with Mistress. If I didn't do the chores I was supposed to, it wasn't as big a deal because that fear of no sexual contact was suddenly gone. The shift of power had swung in my direction.

A small part of me however did miss the cage. I missed the thrill of trying to keep Miss H happy, the challenge of trying to earn even a few minutes of her stroking the cock after releasing me from the cage. I loved the uncertainty of never knowing when my next orgasm was going to happen. It must be a sign of how submissive I really am though because even when I wasn't caged and could have cum as much as I wanted, I didn't. I jerked off a few times but it just didn't feel right to orgasm without having Miss H's permission. Sitting at home alone, horny, and Miss H would have never known yet I still couldn't do it.

Today though none of that really matters because of this.

The cage is now officially back on and this is day one of who knows how long. I thought it might be uncomfortable to wear it again full time but it's been like reuniting with an old friend.

An old friend who'll be close by me for a long time if Miss H has her way.

Full speed ahead.

A few days ago Miss H and I finally got the opportunity to spend some time together without the pressures of work or anything else hanging over our heads. We had an entire night set aside without the slightest responsibility to worry about. Based on her previous txt's and emails, I had assumed we would be going straight back into the kink and FLR with full force. One day prior, boring old vanilla life, that night, crazy kink filled fetish fest complete with dressing, maybe a little strap-on play and who knows what else. It didn't quite turn out that way but it turned out much better than you might imagine.

The night started with a shower and full body shave to get that neat, clean, appearance I prefer. We had a couple of drinks afterwards and just basically chilled out in our bedroom watching TV. I expected at any time she was going to stand up and start barking orders at me. "Go get dressed, sissy" or "find a nice diaper for you to wear". Instead we found ourselves just enjoying each others company and finally talking things over about what had gone wrong with our FLR recently. The misconceptions we had both had, the things that were troubling us, and so forth. It was nice to clear the air and see that an FLR relationship was still something we both wanted.

Of course one thing led to another and before long we were cuddling, then licking, then fucking. I could feel myself getting ready to cum and although I already knew the answer, I asked anyway, "Mistress, may I please cum?". "Not a chance sissy. Not a chance", was her only reply and it was at that moment that I knew things were once again right in the world.

Like flicking a switch

While not a complete 180 degree turn around, my sex drive is suddenly renewed. A couple of days after writing my last blog post I got that little "itch" again. I'm not sure exactly caused it, the usual issues (lack of sleep, stress at work, etc) are all still there but all of a sudden I got the overwhelming urge to get back into things again. Sliding into some silky lingerie, feeling the confinement of the cock cage, hearing the ridicule from Miss H. I wanted it all again.

I'm not quite back to the "been in chastity for three months with no release and I'm fucking dying here" level of sexual need but it's definitely better then it's been for the past few weeks. Miss H and I have talked a bit since I wrote that last blog post and although we haven't had the long in depth conversation we probably should, it at least feels like we're on the same general wave length again. I'm sure at some point real soon we'll sit down and really hash things out but for the time being I'm happy we're at least easing back into things.

We've set aside tomorrow night as our first time to play in a long time. She's pretty insistent that I'll be dressed, probably paddled and who knows what else. It's going to be a bit awkward at first seeing as how we've been so vanilla lately but I don't think it will take to long to settle things down and get to the point where we can both enjoy ourselves.

A bump in the road.

You may have noticed a recent lull in posting on my blog over the past week or so. It's unfortunately due to a bit of a rough patch Miss H and I have been having in terms of our FLR and kinky life in general. Don't worry, nothing catastrophic, just as this post is titled, a bump in what was other wise a very smooth trip. I don't know what exactly is wrong but I just seemed to have totally lost the energy for sex, specifically kinky sex. That is naturally a problem when our relationship has been rather kink focused the past year and a half.


There wasn't really one incident that caused it, it was more of a perfect storm of circumstances, I think, I'm not really sure because I can't exactly pinpoint the exact cause. Work has just been crazy as usual with my hours taking a toll. I'm staying up to late and getting up to early and by dinner time I'm dragging and just looking forward to going to bed to sleep. "Free" time to play with Miss H is always a challenge so we never get nearly as much kinky time as we would like. This causes days to go by with out any FLR type interactions and kind of puts us out of the zone so to speak. Dirty txt's or internet links that we would shoot back and forth to each other without a moments hesitation begin to slow down because you don't feel quite as comfortable sending stuff like that when you haven't even seen each other naked in half a week.

Then there's the issue of me having an injured penis would required us shelving all sexual activity for about a week and a half. That was like throwing cold water on an already small flame. By the time I was healed up and ready to go, things like dressing, getting diapered, or fucked with a strap-on seemed like distant memories, far from the life we were living now. Sorry to sound like such a drama queen, but in a way that's really how it feels like two separate lives, the one we once had and what we're living now.

I blame myself for this because Miss H has tried everything to kick start the deviancy but I just can't seem to get it going. I'm interested in my mind but I can't seem to get the body moving to do it. I'll check her out when she walks out of the shower naked or I'll browse Tumblr all the time, and while I get turned on, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. Then on those times when I am really horny it's always at the most inopportune time. The middle of the night when Miss H isn't feeling well, when I'm at work and can't get a hold of her, or any of a million other times when it feels like destiny is keeping us on different wavelengths.

I hate feeling like this because I know it's filling Miss H with all sorts of doubt, doesn't he find me attractive anymore? Is he interested in someone else? and all that sort of stuff that can creep up when your sex life changes so drastically. I need to do a better job of communicating with her, to let her know that it really isn't her and that I still love her very much, now so probably more then ever. Things are looking a bit brighter however, we had sex the other night, nothing kinky, just regular sex between a couple in love and it was great. I miss that connection with her and it was nice to feel it again. I also jerked off a few times in the past 4-5 days. I didn't let myself cum but it was nice feeling that wave of horniness swell up again, even if only for a little while.

I'm worried that subconsciously I'm kind of  sabotaging our kinky side because I feel uncomfortable engaging in it after such a long time away from it and more importantly to a much lesser degree then we did during our FLR peak last year. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully accept that someone can be as awesome, sexy, and understanding as Miss H in regards to my kinks so any drop in the intensity level just ramps up my panic meter and my paranoia about her "just doing it to please me".

I'm also considering go to my Dr. and asking him to check my Testosterone levels. Who knows, maybe my lack of energy and sex drive has an easy explanation and easy fix. I'll keep you posted, but for now I'm going back to bed because my head is killing me and I need to slip off into some blissful sleep.

Waiting patiently.

I am just going absolutely crazy horny the past few days. The phrase, "the grass is always greener on the other side comes to mind", because now that I definitely can't have any sex at least for the next week or so due to the injury to the penis, it's all I seem to think about. For the first day or so I was so concerned that I had a blood clot or something that would end up killing me I didn't focus on the whole lack of sex thing that much. Now that I seem to be healed for the most part and just on some extended rest, I'm going stir crazy.

Not one to make the situation any easier Miss H decided to lay out on the bed wearing nothing more then a skimpy top and a pair of yoga pants which oh so accentuated her gorgeous ass. I couldn't help myself so I carefully walked up behind her and gently kissed her ass through the pants. She didn't object so I continued on, massaging her legs and kissing her ass before pulling the pants down and slowly working my tongue around and into her ass. This continued for a few more minutes until I just couldn't take it anymore and got up to walk away in order to calm down and relax. Miss H just laughed and went back to playing on her Kindle Fire. In my rush to get out of the bedroom I had forgotten to pull her pants back up, so when I walked past the door a short while later she was still there on the bed, pants still down and her ass just begging to be kissed and worshiped even more. I was soon back between her legs tonguing her while my hands ran the length of her body. I was dripping wet and dangerously close to going farther then I should so once again I stopped and retreated. Miss H paid me no mind and just kept on playing with her Kindle.

This repeated itself at least three or four more times before I had to just almost barricade myself in another room and turn on the Phillies game to try and cool off. I want more but I know I shouldn't. I keep telling myself to think of the big picture, I don't want to jeopardize what is an amazingly fast recovery of the penis, but the urges are just getting stronger and stronger. I'm actually getting kind of hungry and want to head into the kitchen for a snack but the sight of her on the bed is only going to start things up again. 

I really need to cum and blow off some of this pent up "energy"

 

The penis is broken.

Damn it.

God damn it.

God fucking damn it.

There, now I feel a bit better after venting. What was supposed to be a fun night this past weekend turned into yet another sex related injury. I'm either the most unlucky person on the planet when it comes to sex or just need to be a lot more careful. The night itself was great, dressing, masturbation, some actual intercourse (no orgasm of course), verbal abuse, cock and ball torture, and everything else I love. So far so good. Now jump ahead to the next morning, I wake up horny as hell and rock hard so I do a little stroking. As I'm doing it I start to notice that something doesn't feel right. I look down and on my penis it looks like a large vein popping from the side of the penis. Nothing super crazy but definitely raised which is strange because unlike some guys with huge veiny cocks, I'm very smooth in that regard so I've never had anything like that before.

It isn't painful, red, or warm so those were all good signs. When I wasn't erect it seemed to be much smaller, not at all visible from the surface but if I pushed slightly I could still feel it underneath the skin. I did a little research and what I initially thought was an enflamed blood vessel instead seems to be some irritation and/or blockage of a lymph channel. Unlike a blood clot type issue which would have the aforementioned symptoms and usually be painful if it was in the genital area, a lymph blockage seemed much more likely. Not to get all medical, but where as blood is pretty easily returned from extremities like the penis, lymph moves much more slowly, so when an area receives trauma it can pool up there and produce a "backup" which enlarges the area as looked to be the case with my injury.

I was freaking out because there didn't seem to be any real cure for the problem other then abstaining from masturbation and other sexual activity until your body cleared up the problem on it's on. The time frame for that to happen varied from a matter of days to months. Any "cheating" on the rest period would only slow the healing and most likely make it worse, making you just have to wait that much longer. You might think that somebody that has been in chastity for extended periods of time over the past year and a half wouldn't have much problem going a few weeks without any type of sex. You'd be wrong. Very wrong. I might not get to cum nor get played with nearly as much as I would like, but those times I do mean the world to me and I was more then a little concerned about possibly having to give that up for any length of time.

The good news though is that the wounded area has been slowly going going down over the past couple of days, to the point now where I can't even really feel it anymore. We're going to give it week to fully heal and then take it from there.

Tomorrow night.

As with virtually every other adult in the world, Miss H and I never seem to have enough time to spend together. Whether it's work, social obligations or just doing the laundry, we never have as much free time as we'd like to just chill out and have some good, dirty, kinky fun. The past week or two has been especially rough because I had a bunch of stuff I needed to do for work so that pretty much sucked up the entire weekend last week and the rest of the time was filled with everything else imaginable that kept us from really being together. The lack of kink time has had me alternating between frustrated (not the fun sexual kind either) and kind of bummed out. To be honest we did sneak in a quick bit of bondage fun last Saturday night but, selfishly perhaps, I'm dying for so much more.

That's why I'm so amped about Saturday night, nothing on the calendar except the two of us, maybe a few drinks, and hopefully a night of mind bending kink. I'm trying not to get to overly excited about it because I have a bad tendency to get so hyped up for upcoming events (a three day weekend, a new movie I've been waiting to see, etc) that no matter how good it ends up being, my expectations were so sky high that it ends up feeling like a huge disappointment. Then because I feel let down, I start looking ahead to the next big event and focusing on that, again ramping up the hype and continuing the cycle over and over again.

The other problem is that because we don't necessarily engage in as much kink/fetish play as I would like, when we do play it never seems enough. For instance, Miss H might do an amazing tease and denial session that will easily go for thirty minutes or even a whole hour. Mercilessly alternating between crushing verbal abuse and humiliation and teasing the cock with her hand. She'll end things and all I can do is beg for more. It seems like it's been five minutes but when I look at the clock it shocks me how long she's really been at it. She likes to say that when I'm in chastity there's no end for me. If we were a regular, vanilla couple, we would have sex and when I came, that would kind of be the signal that we were done. I'd be exhausted and done, Miss H would have a clear sign that the activities were over and that would be that. With tease and denial there really isn't and end until Miss H says so and at that point I'm at the ultimate peak of horniness so stopping seems like the worst torture imaginable so naturally I beg for more.

Hopefully things work out because I think both of us need a night to just relax, get turned on, enjoy each others company and connect again in a way we haven't in a long while. I'll fire up an update on the blog in the next few days to let you know how it went.

Busted

Sometimes its the smallest things that have the biggest impact. As I've written about many times before in this blog, I love sexual humiliation and verbal abuse. I'm not sure at what point in my life those synapses in my brain got crossed, but they did and things that probably should excite me in a sexual way now do. Degrading my manhood, humiliating me, belittling my penis size, etc all fire me up like few others things do. Now while I absolutely love this when it's Miss H and I in the privacy of our home, in public or with strangers it becomes more of a double edged sword. The turn on is still there and even magnified, but the actual humiliation of looking stupid in front of someone who doesn't get off on it just makes me cringe (I'm very self conscious so any bit of negative reaction from someone freaks me out).

Some of the best/worst experiences I've had sexually was when Miss H has made me do things like go out diapered in public. I'm sure nobody was the wiser as we walked around, but the fear that somebody did notice or might say something had me sweating bullets the whole time. It really ramps up the emotional aspect of your sex life and I both dread and wish for more of those experiences. Yesterday at work I had a little misadventure that would fit into that category nicely though.

Miss H and I managed to find some time to play this weekend so naturally, my nails were painted.  When I worked rolled around I took off the polish on my fingers before jumping into the shower that morning. There was still a tiny bit of polish I couldn't get off around my cuticles but that happens every time so I didn't think twice about it. The day started off normally enough, and was relatively boring for the majority of the day. Then at some point after lunch I was sitting around with a couple of co-workers just talking and killing time. Then out of nowhere a female friend has a weird look on her face and suddenly reaches out to grab my right hand. "What the hell?", she asks with an inquisitive tone in her voice. "You've got bright pink nail polish on!". All eyes are now on me and I get panicky. I freeze and try to act as nonchalant as possible and just kind of laugh under my breath like it's no big deal.

"Oh, that.", I stumble. "my fiancee thought it would be funny to play a joke on me and paint my nails last night. She was pissed I fell asleep during the movie we were watching so this is how she decided to get back at me", I blurted out at like a million miles an hour, doing my best to sound like it wasn't even worth talking about. There were some giggles and jokes about how hot pink was definitely my color, but thankfully they believed my explanation and basically just let it go without any more questions or drama. Our little group soon disbanded and while sitting there by myself I felt my heart racing and was super nervous but at the same time I felt a raging hard on beneath my panties. The humiliation of being embarrassed about something so feminine as wearing nail polish in front of all those strong, outgoing women, had totally done it for me in a sexual way.

As we were leaving for the day the one woman who had initially noticed the last bits of polish on my nails jokingly shouted, "next week you should come with me to my nail place. They do a great job and I'm sure they'll have a color you like!". I feigned disgust and laughed as I got in my car. Funny thing is that she had no idea how much I really wanted to take her up on that offer.

This morning.

I'm sitting here getting ready for work today and I have absolutely no motivation what so ever to actually get up and head in. All I want to do is be plugged, diapered, and wearing the most humiliating sissy outfit Miss H can choose for me. I don't want to deal with the paperwork and stress today. I just want to grind slowly against the inside of my diaper while the plug pushes in deeper with each thrust. The whole time hoping Mistress will allow me the pleasure of ruining my own orgasm for her amusement. But instead it looks like work is calling and it's time for me to go. Oh well, perhaps another day...

Puking is not sexy.

Today was going to be a good day, I had off and even though it's wet and nasty out from all the rain we got over the weekend, I had enough stuff I need to get done inside today that I figured I would be rather productive. So productive in fact that I was going to try and sneak in a little bit of dressing time today (with Miss H's permission of course). I mean if you have to be stuck inside, why not be stuck inside wearing a pretty little pink satin sissy dress or maybe a tight, shiny pvc outfit with matching platforms. What a wonderful way to spice up even the most dreary day.

But it was not to be, instead I woke up feeling like I was going to dry heave a lung out of my chest. Nauseous, and generally not wanting to get off the sofa was how the day has gone so far. I'm doing shots of Pepto like it's water and not exactly seeing any positive effects yet.

I do feel a bit better when I go into corpse mode and just lay perfectly still but it's driving me nuts because for some reason I'm just overly horny today and I'm dying for anything even remotely sexual. Tumblr, dressing, sexting with Miss H, etc. The mind is willing but the body is not even close to able. It's still early in the morning though so hopefully I'll feel better soon and the day won't be a total waste. Ugh, this sucks.

Red PVC

I generally prefer pink or black, occasionally white, but I thought I'd try something a little bit different. Hope you like them.

Like a bear, but not the furry, leather kind.

There's no real way to explain it any better then to just say I'm crazy horny right now. The kind of horny where just about anything is turning me on in a serious way. But the strange thing is that I'm not really sure if I like it or not. You see being horny all the time is fun when there's lots of sex stuff going on, teasing and denial, kinky talk, etc. However a sudden rush of horniness in the midst of a lull in the sexual action is more of like an itch you can't quite reach to scratch. The past week or two so has seen Miss H and I rather tame in terms of our sex play. When things go an extended period like that with out much kink I can't handle it and it's not a big deal.

After a few days of crushing horniness I tend to kind of "hibernate" for lack of a better term. Like a bear in winter my sex drive kind of slows down and sleeps until I reach a point where I'm horny, but at a level where there are plenty of other activities that can take up my time. When the spring comes, or in this case Miss H's hand returns to the cock, I spring to life and suddenly sex is all I can think of again. The past two nights Miss H has given me enough attention to get the fires stoked and burning but not enough to really enjoy things. Two nights ago it was some minor dry humping and masturbating me for a couple of minutes through my shorts. Last night I was allowed to stroke myself for exactly 7 minutes (she set a timer on her phone) while verbally abusing me. I was also made to use one of her shoes to masturbate with as another means to humiliate me.

So I'm once again all fired up but with no real chance of any real pleasure or relief. I feel like a starving man getting the slightest taste of a delicious meal. Not being fed is bad enough, but having to be constantly reminded of it makes it that much worse (or better in my case?). One the one hand if we're not going to play I'd almost prefer to totally put it on the back burner so I wouldn't have to think about what I'm not getting, but on the other I want it so bad that even a little taste is enough for me to do just about anything to earn it and want more.